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Unread 08-26-2010, 08:50 PM   #1
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Default okay so what is inappropriate touch?

Okay so sometimes I feel really crazy when I remember things. The DSS worker we talked to like 4 years ago said that inappropriate touching constituted "anything under what a bathing suit would cover", like that would be really bad okay.
but what is inappropriate between an adult family member and a younger family member?
like does it change from family to family or are there set boundaries that all should follow? like I know some families are closer than others. My immediate family (ones I live with and have lived with all my life) certainly aren't close and even when we brush up against each other, we apologize. But, like in my aunt's house with her kids, they're physically closer than we are, like they'll sit together and it's okay.

but yeah okay that was a ramble
can you tell i'm confused?
but umm...
is it exactly appropriate for a grandfather to umm...grasp his granddaughter's shoulders from behind and kiss her neck/shoulder once? it wasn't like disgusting, he didn't do anything weird. he just did it, and he said, "don't give me that look (was i giving a look?), grandfathers can kiss their granddaughters on the neck." and left.
was that inappropriate?????



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Unread 08-26-2010, 11:25 PM   #2
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Default Re: okay so what is inappropriate touch?

just reading about it gives me the heebie jeebies.. and that is enough to me to label it inappropriate.

I think it's less about the actual action, in some cases, and more about the intent and feeling behind it. and those can be conveyed quite clearly without words or obviously inappropriate actions. make sense? kind of like non-verbal cues.
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Unread 08-27-2010, 03:32 AM   #3
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Default Re: okay so what is inappropriate touch?

How did you feel about it?
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Unread 08-27-2010, 08:01 AM   #4
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Default Re: okay so what is inappropriate touch?

I don't know. I mean, on one hand I don't think he ever did it before when I was in control of the body and maybe he didn't know that it seemed weird, but it made some inside really nervous and were tense for the rest of the day. Like, we were alone because everyone was either downstairs or out, and I/we were actually afraid that he would hurt us. He didn't of course.
I just don't know if maybe he was just trying to be affectionate or if there was something icky behind it...and if he was just trying to be affectionate then I'm just crazy or way too sensitive.
See how easy it is to feel like a liar and an idiot?
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Unread 08-27-2010, 08:50 AM   #5
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Default Re: okay so what is inappropriate touch?

violet, our family is very close and huggers. But there are limits and anything that gives you the "creeps" is ok to set as a boundary. My grandfather was a loving man and gave hugs and kisses, but never kissed my neck. It would ahve creeped me out too.
Follow your feelings, if it made you uncomfortable, maybe you could tell him something like, "I am not used to being touched like that. Maybe just kiss me on the head or something.I would feel better."? idk, not knowing your grandfather, it is hard to say...you would have to make that call. But anything that gives you the creeps, I would consider inappropriate.
I tend to have very keen "radar" now, after all this crap for the years I had it happeneing. Two different people can touch me the same way...identicly the same way...one is appropraite and the other is not...because I feel creepy when it happens There are underlying intentions and I can feel it. Maybe the touch and energy transfer, maybe the look in the eyes, something there causes my inner self to withdraw.
I hope this helped in some small way...please keep yourself safe....hugs...
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Unread 08-27-2010, 08:53 AM   #6
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Default Re: okay so what is inappropriate touch?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nupoet64 View Post
violet, our family is very close and huggers. But there are limits and anything that gives you the "creeps" is ok to set as a boundary. My grandfather was a loving man and gave hugs and kisses, but never kissed my neck. It would ahve creeped me out too.
Follow your feelings, if it made you uncomfortable, maybe you could tell him something like, "I am not used to being touched like that. Maybe just kiss me on the head or something.I would feel better."? idk, not knowing your grandfather, it is hard to say...you would have to make that call. But anything that gives you the creeps, I would consider inappropriate.
I tend to have very keen "radar" now, after all this crap for the years I had it happeneing. Two different people can touch me the same way...identicly the same way...one is appropraite and the other is not...because I feel creepy when it happens There are underlying intentions and I can feel it. Maybe the touch and energy transfer, maybe the look in the eyes, something there causes my inner self to withdraw.
I hope this helped in some small way...please keep yourself safe....hugs...
I don't know about telling him...I'm really chicken about that stuff and wouldn't want to make him mad or upset..
But the thing is that I often feel vi*lated if someone touches me in any way, so maybe I'm just too sensitive...
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Unread 08-27-2010, 09:01 AM   #7
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Default Re: okay so what is inappropriate touch?

I will tell you what I've been told (because sometimes it's hard to practice what you preach):

If YOU are uncomfortable with it, even if it SEEMS like you are being over-sensitive, it is still YOUR body and you have the right to not allow others to touch you. Even if it is too much for you to handle just being hugged. It's YOUR body. No one has a right to it but you.
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Unread 08-27-2010, 10:19 AM   #8
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Default Re: okay so what is inappropriate touch?

One has to learn what feels good and what does not and society and our families deem appropriate and what not. Generally, inappropriate, to me, is anything I don't like and let known I don't like or, anything "controlling" (holding you firmly from behind and kissing your neck, without asking or indicating what he was going to do I would deem inappropriate by your grandfather). No, your grandfather cannot kiss you or anyone else who does not wish to be kissed by him; there is no "right" to another's body. He can't hit someone, he can't kiss someone. Generally we give some relatives we enjoy, rights to kiss or hug us, etc. and generally kisses and hugs are gentle and on parts of our body we can "see" what is happening and control the situation somewhat. We're supposed to be "half" of a kiss/hug; anything else is theft/assault/abuse.
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Unread 08-27-2010, 11:56 AM   #9
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Default Re: okay so what is inappropriate touch?

If I ever use that word I put quotation marks around it: "inappropriate". That's because there is no universal standard to what is "appropriate" or not. Different situations can be -- different.

It's the feeling you have that makes it uncomfortable to you. You may suspect someone of intentions that you don't like, and you may be right about the meaning of what they do. You may be wrong, too. Still you have the right to make your feelings your guide.

Well, that's what I think, anyway.
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Unread 08-27-2010, 02:04 PM   #10
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Post Re: okay so what is inappropriate touch?

I would say that "inappropriate" is anything that you don't want. It doesn't appear to be a big issue on this one kiss on the neck. How would you have wished he'd done it (given you a kiss of affection?) I mean, grandparents do love their grandchildren

If you tell your grandfather not to do that any more, and he continues, then it's "inappropriate."

(Forget the physical parameters ..."under a bathing suit" that's ridiculous to set that as a guideline! If you don't even want someone in your personal space (generally any closer than 12-18") and they are, then they are being inappropriately too close!)
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