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Unread 04-21-2009, 12:42 PM   #1
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Default My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore

Hi everyone, I'm a newby. About a month ago my wife said she was not sexually attracted to me anymore. She says she loves me more than anything, and says she could stay in our relationship forever if it didn't include sex. We have been married 12 years together 16. Our sex life has always been pretty active, although she has always had problem with sex drive or desire. I think she might have been just doing it the last 16 years to keep me happy. So now the roles are reversed , we haven't had sex in the last month. I'm not pushing anything because I want her to be happy.
We are getting counseling and it is helping. How can I help my wife get through this? I'm having problems holding it together, because it hurts thinking I'm not the "complete" package for her.
Any advise appreciated.
P
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Unread 04-21-2009, 01:26 PM   #2
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Default Re: My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore

Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul Simmons View Post
Hi everyone, I'm a newby. About a month ago my wife said she was not sexually attracted to me anymore. She says she loves me more than anything, and says she could stay in our relationship forever if it didn't include sex. We have been married 12 years together 16. Our sex life has always been pretty active, although she has always had problem with sex drive or desire. I think she might have been just doing it the last 16 years to keep me happy. So now the roles are reversed , we haven't had sex in the last month. I'm not pushing anything because I want her to be happy.
We are getting counseling and it is helping. How can I help my wife get through this? I'm having problems holding it together, because it hurts thinking I'm not the "complete" package for her.
Any advise appreciated.
P
Hi Paul . Welcome to PC. Is your wife on any medication? Does she have any kind of hormone problems? That would explain alot. Sometimes when women have homonal imbalances, they don't get the proper lubrication and sex can be very painful. I would have her go to a doctor and get her hormone balence checked. The best thing you can do for her is be there for her. I know it's hard on you but you may not be the reason for this at all. Keep your head up. She'll come around.
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Unread 04-21-2009, 02:20 PM   #3
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Default Re: My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore

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Originally Posted by thunderbear View Post
Hi Paul . Welcome to PC. Is your wife on any medication? Does she have any kind of hormone problems? That would explain alot. Sometimes when women have homonal imbalances, they don't get the proper lubrication and sex can be very painful. I would have her go to a doctor and get her hormone balence checked. The best thing you can do for her is be there for her. I know it's hard on you but you may not be the reason for this at all. Keep your head up. She'll come around.
Been to the Dr. no hormone problems. She does take antidepressant medication for head aches. I guess what is puzzling to me is eliminating that hour a week of intimate time makes her happy. Leads me to think it is emotional????
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Unread 04-21-2009, 03:47 PM   #4
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Default Re: My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore

I just wanted to remind you that chances are it has nothing to do with you. Do you know if she's sexually attracted to ayone else? When I first got married I was not sexually attracted to my spouse. It was really hard cause I felt like I was punishing him for my issues. Reasons I wasn't attracted: A. I was raised with nudity as an art form and natural and not to be seen as sexual. So basically my mind was programed to not view things as sexual. And B. I was a virgin and sex HURT! It's kind of hard to get over that. Now I do see him as sexually attractive, but probably not as much as most. And although it doesn't hurt I still have a very low sex drive (which my doctor warned may be caused by my meds which I don't plan on quitting). I also struggle with my brain completely shutting down and shouting 'no' whenever my spouse is the one to make the first advances. Once again, probably due to how I was raised. Overall, I know this probably hasn't helped much, but I want you to know there can be a lot of factors. I think the best thing you can do is be patient and be in counceling. Time will help her, but only when she's willing to work at her issues (and even though it may not seem like she is at times, trust me, she is). As woman we are trained that it is our "job" to take care of our husbands needs (including sexual) and most women experience incredible guilt when they feel unable to meet these needs, which obviously just enhances the problem.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help. All I can share are my experiences.

Good Luck
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Unread 04-21-2009, 04:14 PM   #5
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Default Re: My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore

I agree that it probably isn't you. My boyfriend turns me on because he's sweet, kind, funny and smart. I know that when i was on antidepressants I lost pretty much all my sex drive. And now that finals are nearing and I'm preparing for grad school - which includes a summer internship, a fellowship for next school year, a research project and taking the GRE in less than 2 months - yeah my sex drive has been beaten to death pretty much.

If she openly told you what's going on i think it means that she wants to figure it out too. I think if she didn't care about you or the relationship she would either leave or just hold out and never say a word about it. So the fact that she openly talks to you about it is good.

Is there a lot of added stress lately? My mind just constantly races during this time of year so I can't even pay attention to sex for more than 5 minutes. I would have to say that she most likely isn't sexually attracted to anyone or anything right now - not just you. Talk to her about it and tell her you want to help - but make sure she knows you're doing it FOR HER. If you go to her and make it sound like you want to help but only so you can get some again that will just make the situation worse. good luck with everything!
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Unread 04-21-2009, 05:15 PM   #6
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Default Re: My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore

Agreed that it's probably not you. Many women have low sex drives when they get older, there are medication that will help if she is willing. She should get a full check up to make sure that all her hormones are within normal limits. Depression is another thing, when my depression was at my worst I had no interest in being touched. Considering this is fairly new in the not at all department, I really think you need to push her to see her Dr and you are doing right, as of now, not pushing her for sex. If she refuses or the testing is normal YOU must decide if you are willing to stay in a sexless relationship. While I know that sex isn't the most important part of a relationship it is still a big part of it for intimacy if for no other reason. ~gentle hugs~
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Unread 04-21-2009, 08:07 PM   #7
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Question Re: My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore

Is it the physically attraction that is gone or is it the mental / emotional attraction that is really gone?
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Unread 04-22-2009, 01:02 AM   #8
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Default Re: My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore

Well I've only been married for 8 years and my husband and I are having sexual problems too but you have to remember, and I say this in the most uspportive way possible, eventually the sex always comes to an end. As long as you two are happy together and love each other that's all that really matters. You have to remember that when you're 80 and sitting in your rocking chair it's not very likely that you're going to be running off to the bedroom to have sex. Instead wouldn't it be better if you can sit there and hold hands and enjoy each others company so much that it will fill your heart with more joy then sex ever could.
I hope i've been helpfull. There's more to life and marriage then sex.
I'm not having sex with my husband and we're just as close now as we were when we first got together.
It will all work out for the best. Just hang in there.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul Simmons View Post
Hi everyone, I'm a newby. About a month ago my wife said she was not sexually attracted to me anymore. She says she loves me more than anything, and says she could stay in our relationship forever if it didn't include sex. We have been married 12 years together 16. Our sex life has always been pretty active, although she has always had problem with sex drive or desire. I think she might have been just doing it the last 16 years to keep me happy. So now the roles are reversed , we haven't had sex in the last month. I'm not pushing anything because I want her to be happy.
We are getting counseling and it is helping. How can I help my wife get through this? I'm having problems holding it together, because it hurts thinking I'm not the "complete" package for her.
Any advise appreciated.
P
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Unread 04-22-2009, 08:06 AM   #9
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Default Re: My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore

She says just the physicall attraction. She also says she would pefectly content spending the rest of our lives together, as long as it is not physical
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Unread 04-22-2009, 08:12 AM   #10
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Default Re: My wife is not sexually attracted to me anymore

I think your situation is the most like ours. What you said about your husband is almost word for word of what she says about me. She also takes webutrin(sp). I'm bet that doesn't help the sex either. Through takingwith her I'am sure she has never felt comfortable being intimate with anyone she has ever been with. Not only sex but touching, cuddling....
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