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Unread 06-06-2013, 06:15 PM   #1
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Default My spouse doesn't want to be intimate at all

I've been married for 3 years. I'm only 33 and my wife is 30, we both use to be extremely sexual but for the past couple of years she's not wanted to have any intimacy in our relationship. She even told me that she loves me more than anything but that she's so repulsed by being intimate with me that she can't even force herself to as much as open mouth kiss me. She will pop kiss me on occasion if I sneak one in before bed. That's another thing, we haven't slept in the same bed since our first year of marriage. Anytime we talk about it she tries to make me feel bad by telling me I'm disgusting and a pervert. It's hurt my feelings so bad and completely destroyed my self esteem. I use to be so confident and productive but now I feel worthless and can't get anything done because my mind is constantly corrupted by this. I usually just go along with it and don't put any pressure on her in hopes that she'll one day come around but it's killing me.
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Unread 06-06-2013, 08:04 PM   #2
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Default Re: My spouse doesn't want to be intimate at all

Maybe try sex therapy - AASECT :: American Association of Sex Counselors, Educators & Therapists

She is clearly in the wrong calling you disgusting and a pervert. She is also wrong when she claims that she loves you more than anything, because, normally, people do not call those whom they love more than anything "disgusting and perverts". To take it a step further, polite, nice people do not call ANYBODY "disgusting and perverts" for wanting conjugal relations - ANYBODY includes ANYBODY and not just people you "love more than anything".

There might be all sorts of reasons for her not wanting to be intimate (although it is a bit weird since she was very sexual with you in the beginning), such as depression, pharmacological agents, some kind of a trauma, location of the stars, global climate change, and if she were to share those reasons with you, you might be quite sympathetic and understanding, but there is no good reason for telling you that you are disgusting and a pervert - that behavior is completely inexcusable.

I hope that if you realize that her behavior is completely inexcusable and demeaning to you, you will regain some of your earlier productivity, confidence, and self esteem. Since her case is pretty extreme, it probably is hard to change her ways and predilections, but, at least, you should not blame yourself for anything and should not internalize her insensitive, unkind, and rude remarks.
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Unread 06-07-2013, 01:03 AM   #3
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Default Re: My spouse doesn't want to be intimate at all

Quote:
Originally Posted by aintworthlivin View Post
I'm only 33
Well that part is great - so you are young and with a record of being productive and confident. Cannot complain about that, right?

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Originally Posted by aintworthlivin View Post
userid=aintworthlivin
At the same time, you chose a truly "dark" userid. Food for thought.


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Originally Posted by aintworthlivin View Post
1) She even told me that she loves me more than anything


but 2) that she's so repulsed by being intimate with me that she can't even force herself to as much as open mouth kiss me. Anytime we talk about it she tries to make me feel bad by telling me I'm disgusting and a pervert. It's hurt my feelings so bad and completely destroyed my self esteem.
Most people would realize that (1) and (2) are mutually exclusive.

So, three possibilities:

a) she has an extreme degree of mental retardation with IQ in the 3rd percentile and cannot comprehend that (1) and (2) are mutually exclusive. Either you love somebody, or you try to make him feel bad and destroy his self-esteem.

b) she has an unusual concept of what love is, and while it may be valid per se as all kind of unusual concepts are, it is not fitting for YOU.

c) she does not love you.

(a) is unlikely because one cannot be so retarded selectively in the area of hurting one's chosen husband. Were she retarded, there would be other manifestations. So, ruled out.

(b) means that she can live on her own and continue to love you in her unusual way, while you live on your own and eventually find women whose concept of love is less unusual.

(c) means that you should divorce her, because she is not just passively not loving you, but she is actively destroying your life. So, the earlier you get out, the better. And, you have no kids, you are young, not much ties you to her, you will have lots of options, so just cut the losses and hire an attorney.


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I usually just go along with it and don't put any pressure on her in hopes that she'll one day come around but it's killing me.
I do not know what you mean by "come around". If you mean "will get her desire for you back", yes, everything is possible, though not highly likely. But the main issue is not her lack of desire but how she treats you, since you suffer so much not from her lack of desire, but from her aggression. Calling you a disgusting pervert is an act of aggression, so, essentially, your home is currently a war zone.

All sorts of things can happen to people that make them lose the drive. If all that is at issue is the loss of drive or attraction towards you, then there are things worth saving and you can engage professional help in the form of a couples therapist or a sex therapist. You do not have her lack of desire or attraction for you as your main issue. Your main issue is the war zone at home, and therapists do not resolve such issues, generally speaking.

So just be happy that you are only 33 and have wasted only a couple of years of your life, tell your wife that you will go your own way now and that you appreciated her and wish her the best in her future endeavors.
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Unread 06-07-2013, 02:08 PM   #4
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Default Re: My spouse doesn't want to be intimate at all

There is always a reason. A real reason, retardation doesn't qualify as a legitimate reason.

How about, meds. Has she added any medicines in the past years. Has there been a a trauma of any type. Has there been any abuse in her past or present. I am proof that women don't all come equiped w/ sex drives. Guys laugh and say things about there wives being bought and paid for (meaning now you are married) so they don't have to behave anymore. Women can be this way to. Having sex to keep you around until they get married. Then sex is over with. Unfortunately I can relate to some of what you wife may interpret as gross. I have that issue. Wet, slimy, sweaty, smelly, to much closeness. More time spend to clean up then to have sex in the first place. Those are my hang ups any way.

Loss of sex drive by no means loss of love. I love my H. But my sex drive is dead. The meds killed it. But it was never great to begin with. A regular T can help with this or a sex T. My regular T is working on this right now. I do have trauma's that have affected me. But the sexual issues I have began before the trauma's and have lots to do w/ upbringing. (I think?)

It is something yall need to talk threw or have a T help you to be open and feel safe enough to discuss anything. A T to help her w/ any underling issue she may not want to share, even if it is something that she thinks is no bit deal. A gyno. visit might not be the worst place in the world to start. A hormonal imbalance, an issue w/ pain, fear of pregnancy, or other health issue.A sex T might be necessary if you are both interested in going that route.
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Unread 06-07-2013, 06:38 PM   #5
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Default Re: My spouse doesn't want to be intimate at all

Quote:
Originally Posted by Big Mama View Post
fear of pregnancy
I do not see how fear of pregnancy can make a woman call her husband "a disgusting pervert". Just does not compute. No connection. I can see how fear of pregnancy can make a woman:

- use high effectiveness birth control, or, better, a combination of such

- avoid PIV altogether (penis-in-vagina - an acronym I've just learned to use to save on the number of letter in the word combination "vaginal sex"), or,

- OR... OR... gasp (as this is such an unusually creative and non-standard approach to problem solving that one needs to have IQ in the 99th percentile for that)... tell her husband that she fears pregnancy.
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Unread 06-07-2013, 06:41 PM   #6
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Default Re: My spouse doesn't want to be intimate at all

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Loss of sex drive by no means loss of love.
Name-calling means loss of love. Killing his self-esteem means loss of love. Making him feel his life is not worth living means loss of love.

Big Mama, you do not call your H a disgusting pervert. So even if you and OP's wife share some underlying causes of a low drive (which is possible in the realm of medications; it is highly unlikely coming from the realm of trauma since OP's wife was quite active, sexually, in the beginning of her interactions with OP, presumably on her own volition - of course, there exists a possibility that she was raped by somebody mid-marriage and reacted in the way she did...), you do not share a common way of reacting to the low drive - you did not and do not call your husband a disgusting pervert and she did and does call her husband a disgusting pervert, on more than one occasion, and that difference puts you and OP's wife on the opposite sides of the divide called "knowing right from wrong".
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Unread 06-07-2013, 08:01 PM   #7
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Default Re: My spouse doesn't want to be intimate at all

Hamster, you are correct, no woman should call a man a name like that, nor should a man call a woman a name. I was not making refrence to the name calling. I was making refrences to the lack of desire, or the lack or wanting to have sex.

I at one time believe it or not did have regular sex w/ my H. It was not always this way. Before marriage h was led to believe I liked sex very much. But then I was just afraid to say no. After marriage the first few years were great. I didn't like to have sex but I did want to be a good wife, so we did it frequently. It was after the first child that I didn't feel the need to put out to keep H around. A child tied us together. Then I didn;t feel as strong of a need to be with my H sexually. Lack of sleep w/ new babies do that, as do living w/ toddlers. Plus I saw that having sex w/ him just to make him happy was not very productive.

Do not presume I was always not wanting of sex, though I do have a low sex drive and always have.
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Unread 06-07-2013, 08:26 PM   #8
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Default Re: My spouse doesn't want to be intimate at all

I believe too that there is some emotional reason for this on account of she calls him a pervert for wanting to give her a kiss.
But I hear you on the medicine causing you to not want to have sex or feeling a want for it. I know the antidepressants have played hell with me off and on. The worst had to be Paxil. I could not feel a thing on it.
We kind of go through spells where we have a lot of sex, and spells we don't have sex for a month or more. Since I have had to take pain pills, I don't really feel like it much.
I like to have sex with my husband, so we can have a close and loving time. As far as the actual sex, a lot of times when I have been on antidepressants, I would just as soon not, because then, I will have to go and shower.
I do think this Cymbalta, which I have been on for a couple months now, makes me not have as much troubles as other antidepressants have.
If she is on some medicine, I can sure understand her not feeling real into it. But I don't know why she doesn't want him to love on her at all. Maybe just she figures then he will want sex and she doesn't want to bother with it.
Maybe it hurts for some reason.
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