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Unread 05-10-2012, 06:11 AM   #1
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Confused Asked to leave Catholic School...do u tell your adhd child?

Hi everyone...I have a question I am struggling with and need opnions. My 10 year old daughter, almost 11 in 2 weeks has been in the same small Catholic since K. She is now in 5th grade. We had some problems with her medicine and had to take he off and am trying to find another medicine that will help her that is a non stimulant. In the meantime, my daughter has behavioral issues such as refusing to do her classwork and talking back to the teachers. She has been warned for years about this but continued her behavior despite all we tried to do to help her. She was classified and was getting extra help. Now the school has told us that she is not welcomed back next year. It is because of her disrespect and her refusal to do her classwork. Her beother, who is gifted and is in only 1st grade, will also have to leave the school becuase I refuse to leave him there and move just her. I think it would cause bad feelings between them to leave him there while telling her she has to go somewhere else. So based on this, I have decided that both children need to be moved.
Since this is a result of my dd actions, is this something she should be told about? My husband thinks we should just say we can't afford that school any more and not tell her but I fear if we don't tell her, she won't know and won't be able to change the behaviaor. I don't want to her think what she did was okay. In her private school, the teacher would tell her to do her work and then she would pick up the pencil but put it down the minute the teacher turned her back. Doing homework was a nightmare with her and she would fight me tooth and nail not to do it. Even reduced homework, she didn't want to do. At almost 11, I think she should be told her actions lead to this consequence but I'm not sure. She is emotional. How should I handle this. She does not have any friends outside of school there yet it's the only school she has ever been too. Please give me your opinons. The public school kind of told she should be told that she leaving and have her come over to tour the school. The public school she will have to go to is a failing school in NJ. Meaning it got a state record of F because half of the children there fail the state tests. She is going from a high achieving Catholic school to a poorly achieving public school. She will be classifed and get more help there, but I worry about her atttude and refusal to do work. Please advise.
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Unread 05-10-2012, 09:23 AM   #2
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Default Re: Asked to leave Catholic School...do u tell your adhd child?

I do not know why you took her off her medicine if it was helping. She has a disorder and needs medical and more personal help than the school can give her. I would tell her you are moving her because the school is not able to provide her the help she needs.

If the public school near you is not very good; is there no private school, no charter school or other school you can afford? It sounds like you are blaming her behavior for the difficulty getting her the help she needs. I don't think she is intentionally being bad and the "now see what you did, you got yourself sent to a crummy school and ruined your brother's life too" feeling I get from your wanting to tell her does not seem like it would help her? She knows she has problems.

Maybe you can find a smaller or home schooling situation that can help?

http://jerseyhomeschool.net/

I would definitely get her individual help, not leave it all to the schools.

http://www.addsolutionsnj.com/
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Unread 05-10-2012, 09:52 AM   #3
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Default Re: Asked to leave Catholic School...do u tell your adhd child?

firstly, it is not right to punish your son by changing schools, especially if he is gifted. i realize that it's more work for you to drop off and pick up children in different schools. but, your gifted son should not be sent to a failing school.

having had 12 years of catholic schooling, i know it can be strict. your daughter's behavior is problematic and is not helpful to the other students. yes, she is old enough to be told the truth. when i was in fifth grade, we also had problem students who acted out and the teachers could not control them. the result was changes of teachers and a shuffling of students to break up power cliques. sadly, it appears your daughter does not have friends at school and that may be a cause of her anger issues. on one hand, she may thrive in a school setting that is less disciplined. on the other hand, well, both my parents and my teachers all made it clear to me at a young age that, until i reached adulthood (more specifically, until i got a job and moved out), i was NOT the boss. disobedience was not tolerated. didn't matter if i had an emotional problem or not. the problems your daughter has can affect her for the rest of her life. please ask your MD for a new med ASAP and make them aware of the schooling problem. have you considered behavioral counseling for her? i am not a big fan of tough love when applied generously. however, in small, appropriate doses, it may help. i also think that you need to work with your daughter to find something that she likes to do; something she will be good at and excel at to give her confidence. it will be a good reward for her following her teachers' (and your) instructions / advice. good luck!
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Unread 05-10-2012, 11:03 AM   #4
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Default Re: Asked to leave Catholic School...do u tell your adhd child?

I had to take her off her stimulant medicine because it was causing a rapid heart beat in her. The doctor said she comes off or has to be monitored by a cardiologist. The medicine also caused a long qt interval that went away but now we got a fast heart beat.

I am trying not to blame my daughter but I guess I do to some extent. I don't understand the flat out refusal to do something asked of you. They say she ADHD under FASD. AT home, she has the same attitude, if she doesn't want to do what is asked of her she mouths off. The medicine was helping her keep it in control at school but we still had issues at home. We had been counseling also.

As I'm getting more used to this whole change now, I am thinking that I won't tell her the reason. She is a child and doesn't need to carry any blame on her. I don't want to keep my son there because she will wonder why can't I stay, then I would have to say. I think I am going to tell them we decided to try a change and see how it goes, if we don't like it, we can always go back, but you don't know unless you try. That is message I want to send to them. You have to try different things.

The doctor still wants me to continue with the Kapvay until she is up to her right dosage and we can see if it is working or not.

In the meantime, I realize that we need to work on how she handles frustration and I have contacted a counselor to begin again.
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Unread 05-10-2012, 11:05 AM   #5
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Default Re: Asked to leave Catholic School...do u tell your adhd child?

Thanks ((HappyGuy)) and ((Perna)) for your feeback!!!!
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Unread 05-10-2012, 12:25 PM   #6
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Default Re: Asked to leave Catholic School...do u tell your adhd child?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Amom2Two View Post
I don't want to keep my son there because she will wonder why can't I stay. . .
And you could teach that she is not your son and does not have his needs but her own and that she needs to work on her own problems with doing her work and paying attention to her teachers and that you and the school do not feel that school could help her with those problems well enough anymore. Yes, some of the work doing is under her control but she cannot understand how to make that work yet because of her lack of experience. With proper structure, she can get some of that experience?

I like the slogan, "fix the problem, not the blame". Your daughter has difficulties the Catholic school does not wish to address. That's their lost opportunity (and money). I know Catholic schools have been under siege for awhile now and are losing students because they don't have enough money to attract them anymore; the nuns are gone and that "specialness" of uniforms and hard work are going or not enough in this day and age when there are students like your daughter who need above-and-beyond help.

I'd take her to (or have one come visit) an educational consultant and maybe see if you couldn't get a "plan" that would help her? They will have access to more resources and know laws, more schooling options, how public school might/might not help, etc. Having a special plan just for her might make her feel special enough that she would not see anything wrong with the school change (would not like it necessarily, since it is a big "change" but would be able to follow the logic that it is part of a larger overall plan, just for her needs).
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Unread 05-10-2012, 12:41 PM   #7
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Default Re: Asked to leave Catholic School...do u tell your adhd child?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Perna View Post
I'd take her to (or have one come visit) an educational consultant and maybe see if you couldn't get a "plan" that would help her? They will have access to more resources and know laws, more schooling options, how public school might/might not help, etc. Having a special plan just for her might make her feel special enough that she would not see anything wrong with the school change (would not like it necessarily, since it is a big "change" but would be able to follow the logic that it is part of a larger overall plan, just for her needs).

Thank so much ((Perna)). You have made me feel so much better. My stomach is not churning so much. I had no idea about educational consultants, but will definitly look it up and check it out.

At this school, it's a small Catholic school in a little town. The prinicipal is a nun and there are still nun's there. They just do not have the resources to provide a full time aide for her, as they say, she needs now.

When I sat still with this problems and turned it over to a higher power.....I heard the this message back.....not all flowers can grow in a flower pot......some are just wildflowers and bloom better without the confides of a structure..... We always call our dd ...flower...since the day we adopted her.... Gonna try something else..... ...
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Unread 05-13-2012, 04:26 AM   #8
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Default Re: Asked to leave Catholic School...do u tell your adhd child?

Our son has problems with refusing to do anything it has a lot to do with to much stimuli with him. A good set of noise canceling help a little. However, I would tell her her awesomeness could not be reached there and she has a better opportunites at X school. You could use the tuition for extra Occupational therapy, social skills classes, tutoring, sports and cognitive behavior therapy.
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