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Unread 05-04-2013, 10:46 PM   #1
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Default Don't Understand Why He Is Mean To Me But Nice To Everyone Else?

There is a boy I like who hates me, and I wish he didn't hate me.

The guy (Yuriy) has always confused me, even before we ever had sex (we were acquaintances with benefits), when we were just in class together. He made me nervous. Sometimes he seemed dark and irritable and disinterested (though HE was always the one to make it a point to sit next to ME), and sometimes he was more easily engaged, and funny, and brighter, and smiled easier, and nicer. It was hard for me to know what to make of him. When we traded phone numbers at the end of the class, he seemed much nicer and less scary when he would text me. We texted regularly, ever since we traded numbers.

After Yuriy and I slept together (eight months after the class ended) I found him even more intimidating. The first night he was not intimidating because he was playing me, as in, he was acting really really nice, and interested, and he was flirting, and he was smiling and laughing a whole lot, and he was trying to get me to feel safe, and like he liked me, and like he thought I was special, so that I would sleep with him. I knew it was all an act, but I didn't know that afterward he would be as mean as he was. When I hung out with him after that first night, he was short with me, he didn't smile or laugh with me most of the time, he glared at me much more often than any other facial expression he gave me, or he didn't look at me at all. He snapped at me a lot. I felt very intimidated and tried to think of what strategies I could use to keep him from getting mad at me. One strategy I thought I'd use was that I would stay out of his way, unless he clearly indicated that he wanted me around. He took me to a party one night and turned away from me and made some kind of hand motion, which maybe was a "come with me" motion, but I wasn't sure, so I asked him, "What?" and when he didn't respond, "Are you telling me to come with you?" He snapped at me and said "I don't care what you do; do whatever you want," and I stood in the room, with no one I knew, and with everyone speaking Russian around me (which I do not speak), and I stood there for fifteen minutes, alone, until one of Yuriy's friends came up to me and said "Let's go find Yuriy." Yuriy, also, has this thing about outer clothes touching his bed - after that night, we went up to his room, and while he was on a phone call I sat on his bed (shoes off) and waited. He looked over at me and snapped at me, loudly, "I'm sorry but there are NO OUTER CLOTHES on the bed." He had been angry on the phone with someone, so his snapping at me wasn't entirely about me, because he was already angry for another reason, but it hurt me. I took off my clothes, like he said, and then hid under the sheets in his bed, while he was still across the room messing with his phone - I felt very vulnerable and I felt kind of scared and I feel like this is not normal behavior, that he's doing. I feel like being naked is vulnerable enough, even when someone is actively desiring you and you are actively desiring them, and I feel like it's not okay to yell at your guest to take off her clothes before any actions toward sex are even going on yet.

That being said, sometimes Yuriy is nice to me. There was one night where he smiled at me a lot and shared things about himself that made me feel like he wanted me to know him and he wanted to know me. He was so sweet, his eyes lit up and he shared his poetry with me and he smiled and he looked like a bright-eyed little boy - and he was being sincere, that night, I'm positive. Even on the nights where he is mean to me, there are periods of time where he is not mean to me, and talks to me somewhat. Sometimes he has been extremely cute when we text, such as, telling me sweet dreams, or telling me he's at work and can't text (with a picture of his greasy hands from working with cars) and then commencing to text me anyway. It's strange, because sometimes he'll be adorable through texting, and then I'll meet up with him a couple hours later and he seems angry, and I don't understand what happened. (I sometimes wonder if what I am reading as "anger" and "irritation" and "abruptness" in Yuriy is sometimes none of those, maybe that's just him, maybe he's nervous to be around me, in a way, and that's how the nervousness manifests itself, I don't know.) Additionally, I think Yuriy is going through some stuff - with his parents, with work-stress, with college, with things he won't tell me about, when I met him he was going through a break up with his girlfriend of two and a half years, and also there is this expectation, I think, for him to be a real tough guy - and this is what he tries to make you see him as, generally. But really Yuriy is very sensitive, I think, and gets hurt easy, I think, so I think he's kind of struggling with having these sensitive feelings that he doesn't want to have and doesn't want you to know he has. I wonder if part of the reason he got mad at me so much is because he felt SOMEthing (I don't know exactly what) for me and he didn't want to, because it scared him, and he doesn't want anyone to be able to have an effect on him (I could be wrong on that point, though). So what I'm trying to say is, Yuriy is not a pure and simple *** hole. I really don't believe that at all.

Plus, I see how Yuriy acts with his other friends, and it is different from how Yuriy acts with me. I see Yuriy light up with his friends, which is so wonderful to see, and I get the sense that Yuriy cares for his friends and that he is a loyal and caring friend and that he would do things for them, if they asked. On his Facebook page, I saw that he wrote "I MISS YOU!!!!!" to some girl, and he posted a video of him affectionately feeding a cracker to an outdoor cat. He left Russia when he was 12 and misses his friends there and still takes the time to keep in touch with them on Skype, which is very sweet. When I was with him doing a project for class, we went out to a farm and there was a horse standing behind the gate, and Yuriy went over to it and stared at it and just petted it, for at least a whole minute. When I look at Yuriy I see someone who is strong, someone who is sharp - he's a real smart kid, I think - , someone who is sensitive, someone who is struggling, someone who is often unhappy, someone who is a loyal friend, someone who has the potential for giving a lot of care to other people. But when he interacts with me, he is mean. And I don't understand why he can treat some people so well but treat me so poorly. I don't even do anything, to make him mad, not really - I stay pretty quiet and submissive because I'm intimidated by him and I want so bad to just not make him explode at me, but then he usually does, anyway.


2nd point: Over xmas break I asked him if he wanted to hang out, and he didn't respond. I have no friends here at home. I wanted to see him, very much. But he didn't text me back. Over the period of time between then and March 11, when I sent him a goodbye message, I texted him often enough. He'd ignored me for a month and a half before, in August/September, and then texted me one day and said sorry and everything between us was cool, and he also PROMISED me a while ago that if he didn't want to be friends anymore he would TELL me so, instead of ignoring me and waiting for me to take the hint. Between xmas and March, I texted Yuriy often enough. As the weeks progressed without a response from him, my texts became longer, and more open and personal and emotional, and more free with making my unhappiness with him known and how he was being a jerk. Sometimes I said straightforward he was hurting my feelings, he had made me a promise, and he should text me back and tell me if we were friends or not, it's real simple, will take two seconds, and frankly I deserve that small request. Sometimes I said he should text me back but did so only by hinting at it, or by drawing parallels between two things, or by embedding it as a light-hearted joke in a paragraph of unrelated amusing anecdotes. The worst of these things came up when my main concern became just trying to get him to respond to me, not so much trying to salvage a friendship. I pushed his buttons to try to get him mad enough so that he would text me back out of anger, I WANTED him to yell at me, so then I would know for sure that we were over with, because that would be so much better than no response. Sometimes I decided that his phone must be dead and not receiving my texts, so then I sent him very long texts about how I was feeling because it felt good to send a text to someone, even if I knew there wasn't actually anyone receiving it. But then I would wake up a few mornings later and I all of a sudden believed that he actually WAS getting all my texts and I felt awful and ashamed and insane. I was really down, during that period of time, because I was hurting because of him and extremely anxious, and because there was a kid in my house who was my main social connection and support (and sex provider) who I was no longer on good terms with, and I felt pretty bad and was having trouble with school and I wasn't sleeping and I found out the guy I was in love with was engaged to the girl he left me for, and so yes, I was pretty emotional at that time, and when I am emotional and am using the written word then I end up saying a bunch of stuff I probably shouldn't, in certain cases. But, Yuriy had been okay with my communications before, he would tell me sometimes that how I go about things is different, but no, not bad, and he said that my goofy rambling observations and jokes were long, yes, but they were entertaining and imaginative. So when he ignored me since December and I started getting more and more straightforward with him, I thought, for awhile, it would be okay, because he was okay with how I talked before, and for a while I didn't feel like I was saying anything much differently than before. This past December was the only time I REALLY got emotional and started behaving badly - he treated me pretty bad up until then but I put up with it. I didn't start behaving badly until when he was ignoring me December onwards, and I was behaving badly in response to HIM behaving badly (ignoring me). But I still feel like I am the bad guy. Like I am the crazy bad one and I deserve for him to be mean to me and break his promise to me and ignore me, and he is normal and in the right and even if he's not, if you compare him to me he is. In my goodbye letter to him, I explained myself, and apologized, and said how much he hurt me, and how I just don't understand, and I also said that I'm not the only bad guy here - he was pretty mean to me, and my recent bad reaction to him was in response to his bad behavior towards me. I wish I knew what I could do to get him to at least acknowledge me - I appealed to his sense of logic, his sense of human decency, I apologized and said I am sorry and I really don't want to see him sad because thinking of him sad makes me sad, I tried to explain myself so whatever bad things I said may make more sense or be more forgivable if he understood the context, I said that some of his actions were not cool and me saying that should have gotten him to not hate me so much, if he realized that he did things wrong and therefore that means I am less insane because he pushed me to that and he's not better than me --- but none of that worked. I don't understand why not a single thing I did worked.

I don't want to be the bad guy. And I don't understand why he treats other people well (I know he is a good guy, or at least "complex," not just simply an *** hole) but treats me pretty poorly. That really bothers me and confuses me. And I wish I knew what I could do to make him at least acknowledge me. I feel like I understand now how to deal with him and his intimidating self, if we were to hang out again, and it's such a shame that now that I've figured it out, he hates me.
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Unread 05-04-2013, 11:04 PM   #2
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Default Re: Don't Understand Why He Is Mean To Me But Nice To Everyone Else?

Quote:
Originally Posted by texascoco View Post
But he didn't text me back. Over the period of time between then and March 11, when I sent him a goodbye message, I texted him often enough. He'd ignored me for a month and a half before, in August/September, and then texted me one day and said sorry and everything between us was cool, and he also PROMISED me a while ago that if he didn't want to be friends anymore he would TELL me so, instead of ignoring me and waiting for me to take the hint. Between xmas and March, I texted Yuriy often enough. As the weeks progressed without a response from him, my texts became longer, and more open and personal and emotional, and more free with making my unhappiness with him known and how he was being a jerk.
When someone ignores me, I don't get up and arms about it for a while. I'm pretty light about it, at least I was for a while with Yuriy in this situation, and I was DEFINITELY light about it when he ignored me for a month and a half in August/September. Like I'll even if I'm texting him often, I would often try to not be too pushy about him getting back to me, although I was more upfront about it over Christmas. Usually I'll just say something silly or a joke and allude to how I'd like him to text me back, wouldn't that be great?, but not super obvious all the time, and sometimes not at all, and then I'll say "Have a great day!" and that is supposed to take the pressure off them for getting back to me right then and there. So it's not like I was texting him every hour or saying only saying "why aren't you texting me back why aren't you texting me back why aren't you texting me back," though I guess apparently it was still bad.
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Unread 05-05-2013, 01:53 AM   #3
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Default Re: Don't Understand Why He Is Mean To Me But Nice To Everyone Else?

I need to go to bed now. I have read halfway through.

No outer clothes on the bed rule... he is telling you not to bring the dirt into his bedroom...

I personally think that he should go **** himself.
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Unread 05-05-2013, 10:23 AM   #4
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Default Re: Don't Understand Why He Is Mean To Me But Nice To Everyone Else?

I can answer your thread question but I'm also going to suggest you reconsider disrespecting yourself by being a breathing sex doll for boys.

Someone who is mean to you but nice to everyone else is able to be nice to everyone else because his outlet is you.

It's a form of abuse.
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Unread 05-05-2013, 12:51 PM   #5
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Default Re: Don't Understand Why He Is Mean To Me But Nice To Everyone Else?

I have to say that this guy is a big JERK. He isn't respecting you at all. And you have to treat YOURSELF better than this, sweetie.

You must try to learn WHY you are willing to give yourself away to a creep like this. Your body is SUPPOSED to be a temple -- something holy, and something to be treated with the utmost care. But honey, you're giving it away. And you're giving it to someone who doesn't respect or honor you. That's not the way it's supposed to be. Perhaps you "love" him -- but it's also possible you don't really know what 'love' really is.

Love is something that has to be earned, just like respect must be earned. Yes, sometimes we love someone for 'no apparent reason' but that kind of love doesn't last. And if YOU love THIS guy, it won't last either.

Think about what you're doing sweetie. You need to respect yourself more than you are. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee
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Unread 05-05-2013, 02:09 PM   #6
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Default Re: Don't Understand Why He Is Mean To Me But Nice To Everyone Else?

I am simply responding to the title of your thread ... it was enough information for me:

He does not respect you (sorry but you really need to get away from him. It has nothing to do with you. It is on him. He has a problem).
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