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Unread 04-20-2013, 09:29 PM   #1
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Default Hurt, confused, sad, torn .. need some advice ;(

I am very hurt and torn. I have been with this man for almost a decade .. separated in different cities for some years ..finally i quit my whole life and move to his continent to be closer .. he was scared of commitment therefore all my requests to move in together have been turned down. Ok, lets try at least in different places but closer than w were before. This relationship has seen it all, problems, obstacles, emotional abuse, cheating on me with a lot of different women and too many chances given to him to change but never happened. He is an unhappy troubled man, with an unhealthy attraction to women. I gave him many chances, I accepted many things, I tried to be patient but I just cant take it anymore. Too much arguing and emotional issues, intimate inability to please a man who cheats on me constantly and complain about my inexperience (he is my first and only man). Love is not there from his side, he never said he loves me, bc he does not know. Finally I am opening my eyes and starting to love myself more. I dont want this anymore. I am convinced and tired and very hurt. but now..he is not letting me go. He says he realized all his mistakes, his issues, his weaknesses and the reasons for mistreating me. He acknowledges all the great things I am, and he cannot live without me. He wants to show me he has changed (in these past 5 DAYS) and he wants to commit, not marriage but a "real try". I am so confused and hurt. I love this man and loved him unconditionally but now I'm tired and very scared to get hurt again. Everybody, family, friends, acquaintances .. been saying the same thing for years: "you are fool, let him go. he does not deserve you. you will never be happy". Finally I am starting to see clear but he is confusing me now. I dont know what to do. My mind, my logical/rational part knows what to do, just go, move on and thats it. but my heart...is torn...what if he has changed for real? what if he is NOW the man that I had waited for so many years? He says I am his angel bc showed him the real path, the good things in life and helped him decide to be a better man.I am so scared to give up, but more scared to get hurt and be unhappy for the rest of my life. ;( So confused... ;(
Please do not judge..I realize I have been the UNHEALTHY one for a very long time...for keeping up with his s**t. I want to heal...but emotions make me weak and vulnerable ..and when you love someone you want him happy and u love him for who he is yet at the same time you want to help him be a better person.
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Unread 04-20-2013, 10:58 PM   #2
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Default Re: Hurt, confused, sad, torn .. need some advice ;(

Emotionally abusive people typically promise to do better when faced with a credible threat such as you have presented him. Once the crisis has passed, though, these people typically revert to their abusive, cheating behavior.

It sounds like he has lied and cheated for years. What reason is there to believe that he has suddenly changed his entire personality?

Friends, family, acquaintances, logic, reason all tell you the same thing. What could support a decision to ignore the weight of all of those voices?
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Unread 04-20-2013, 11:33 PM   #3
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Default Re: Hurt, confused, sad, torn .. need some advice ;(

leave him and look into some therapy for yourself. You need to heal from dealing with all the emotional hell caused by him.

Your family and friends are correct.

Good luck *** hugs ***
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Unread 04-21-2013, 12:49 PM   #4
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Default Re: Hurt, confused, sad, torn .. need some advice ;(

I must agree with the others. He is afraid he won't be able to "fall back" on you. He may "change" for a month, but he WILL go back to his old ways.

Do yourself a wonderful "favor" and get out while you can. You are DESERVING of a wonderful man who loves you unconditionally, who will CHERISH you, who will STAY with you and ONLY you! You are a kind, loving human being who does not deserve all this abuse -- and it IS ABUSE!

Please don't put up with this abuse any longer. You do deserve so much better. You've wasted too much time already. God bless you and please take care. Big hugs, Lee
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Unread 04-21-2013, 05:51 PM   #5
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Default Re: Hurt, confused, sad, torn .. need some advice ;(

As much as I would like to believe that everyone changes for the best, that doesn't happen. This man has made you miserable for years and never bothered showing you what you meant to him, but now that you want out he gets on his knees and makes all kinds of promises?

He won't change and he took you for granted all this time because he knows he has this power over you. Like Bill3 said, once he feels you're secure again in his life, the old behavior will be back.

I understand that you love him and want to give him this chance in hopes that he's saying the truth. I've done that before, and it ended up with even more pain and destroyed any hope I had in ever talking to him again.

I think it's time that you're a little selfish and worry about yourself. It's time to let your head win, not your heart. It's so hard, I know. You don't want to walk away, but you need to. And often what we want isn't what we need.

Good luck and wish you the best!
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Unread 04-21-2013, 09:49 PM   #6
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Default Re: Hurt, confused, sad, torn .. need some advice ;(

This is for Bill3, ~Christina, Leed and Gloom.
THANK YOU SO MUCH You guys don't know how much you are helping me and your words comforting me and giving me strength. This is the toughest moments of my life and sometimes we really do need to hear the truth spoken by outsiders, people that are not family and friends but can give us an outside objective point of view. I asked him space and time, but I am still thinking of him, and worrying that he is ok and he takes good care of himself. He sometimes goes through some depression moments and i have always been there for him, so this is hard for me..because he said i was his anchor all these years..now i feel like I gave up on him, abandoned him..
I know it's not hte truth but I am still working on "fixing" myself...and get back on track with my own life.

Thanks everybody, I truly am grateful and you don't even imagine how much.
i will keep you posted if you dont mind hearing from me again..
Lotsa love
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Unread 04-22-2013, 12:00 AM   #7
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Default Re: Hurt, confused, sad, torn .. need some advice ;(

Quote:
i will keep you posted if you dont mind hearing from me again..
I and I am sure the others would love to her from you again!

Hang in there!
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Unread 04-22-2013, 02:34 PM   #8
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Default Re: Hurt, confused, sad, torn .. need some advice ;(

Quote:
Originally Posted by ngc224 View Post

He says I am his angel bc showed him the real path, the good things in life and helped him decide to be a better man.
All of that is perfectly fine by itself, but does not in any way lead to your staying with him. Tell him that you are really glad that he now knows his real path, and that he is or will be a better man. In the meantime, you will try to find your own path.

Alternatively, tell him that now that you have shown him his real path - and it has taken you close to a decade to do so - you need to move on to other people, who also need to be shown their real path and who have, all the while, been patiently waiting. You stayed with him long enough to show him the real path; you do not need to stay any longer now that you have fulfilled your mission.
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