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Unread 03-06-2006, 02:30 AM   #1
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Default Sabotage new relationship/ fear of commitment and intimacy

I'm new to the website and need some serious help!!!!
Here's what I have: ADHD, PTS, depression. and moderate anxiety.

MY PROBLEM: I've been with my boyfreind for two days and i'm already freaking out. The problem is that we've been close friends for many years and worry that this is bad for our friendship. I don't have the best record when it comes to relationships, and have been the cause of most of the break-ups.
Can anyone relate, or am I hopeless when it comes to love?
What should i do?
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Unread 03-06-2006, 02:32 AM   #2
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Default Re: Sabotage new relationship/ fear of commitment and intimacy

Hi Marcy! Welcome!!!

What were the reasons you've broken up with others in the past? What are you afraid of with this one?

Does he have to be considered your boyfriend this early into it? Is just "dating" him acceptable for now?
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Unread 03-06-2006, 02:54 AM   #3
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Default Re: Sabotage new relationship/ fear of commitment and intimacy

Thank you for replying. We're not dating, we were casually dating for about 4 months before we made it official. The thing is that before it was casual and now it's serious. In my other relationships I couldn't handle being fully committed to one person. In previous relationships I wasn't emotionally avaiable and kept my distance. What i'm afraid of is falling back into my old ways. I'm also worried that we won't be friends if we break-up. I've own him for a long time.
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Unread 03-06-2006, 02:59 AM   #4
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Default Re: Sabotage new relationship/ fear of commitment and intimacy

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I've own him for a long time.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

lol - I suppose you meant "known" him, right?

Very valid fears. How much of a commitment is he expecting at this point? Does he know that you're scared?

You know, if it feels right, then you won't be scared. You'll WANT the commitment. There is a lot to be said for paying attention to your instincts.

But maybe this is also a sign that you're just not ready for a committed relationship yet. Are you working on this with a therapist?
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Unread 03-06-2006, 03:11 AM   #5
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Default Re: Sabotage new relationship/ fear of commitment and intimacy

LOL i did mean "known".
I did mention my fears to him and he simply relpied "don't be scared becuase this feels so right." But I don't feel it right. My instincts tell me to try and make the relationship work but there's an huge urge to end it. The thing is I thought I was ready for a commitment before we started dating. I have an appointment with my therapist next month.
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Unread 03-06-2006, 10:41 AM   #6
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Default Re: Sabotage new relationship/ fear of commitment and intimacy

marcy987,

TRUST is a big issue for us, and it takes time to be able to truly trust people again.

If he is your FRIEND, he will understand if you need to back off for a while.

Your therapist will help you to learn to trust again.

ps. Welcome to Psych Central.
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Unread 03-06-2006, 09:06 PM   #7
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Default Re: Sabotage new relationship/ fear of commitment and intimacy

I do this very thing all the time! My luck with relationships is just awful! I'm very into self-discovery and I know I have a problem with commitment. I do pretty well with the intimacy part, but committing is tough for me.

No matter how I feel about someone, once they start confessing that they are in love with me or want more, I start to freak out and do something to cause a fight or a breakup. I'm terrible.

Hang in there. You are not alone.
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Unread 03-07-2006, 12:39 AM   #8
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Default Re: Sabotage new relationship/ fear of commitment and intimacy

That's exactly how I am. Thank you for understanding and sharing. I'm starting to realize that if I want this relationship to work I have to be honest with him and myself.
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Unread 03-07-2006, 12:46 AM   #9
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Default Re: Sabotage new relationship/ fear of commitment and intimacy

Commitment ... I could be wrong, but I guess the closer we are to someone, the better they know us. That can be scary. To know someone is to know the good and not-so-good parts of a person. And let's face it: none of us is perfect. So I admire you for facing your fears. Best of luck, Marcy.
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Unread 03-07-2006, 01:02 AM   #10
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Default Re: Sabotage new relationship/ fear of commitment and intimacy

Dear Marcy,

Could this possibly be YOU............................................... ...... ?

**************************************

COMMITMENTPHOBIA:

This is by far one of the most romantic dilemmas of our century. It is also remains the reason relationships end when the best has just begun. How do you handle a partner who can’t get enough of you one day, and then cannot get far enough away from you the next? How can you tell if they are looking for love - - or an escape from closeness? Can it be both? – Yes if you suffer from fear of another, true intimacy.

Commitmentphobia is just that, a fear of being committed to any thing or person for any long period of time, and this can always be found in these forms: physical, emotional or intimacy (sex included).

The Commitmentphobia person is at their best in love, work and play when a safe distance is kept between them and another. Never to close to actually allow them self to feel, therefore they never risk being hurt or rejected for who they are. While these types of people can truly love another person and honestly desires to be in a relationship, their fear will optimally control them. Most Commitmentphobia people are control freaks and they will constantly control in order to remain safe. This can be seen in many ways: limit in time & availability, denies access to his or her life, refusing to be apart of your life, not sharing special interest with you, not being a part of your needs or wants, unreasonable restrictions on sex, establish a life style that say I want to be alone, uses the word “no” a lot with you, promises you the world but never delivers, always sorry and yet no change follows, and they make it clear that all expectations of you two being close is unwelcome demands on them (you become the needy one to enable them to remain at a distance, your problem not theirs – no responsibility this way).

Commitmentphobia people seem to want what they cannot have at the exact same moment in time that they want it (person, places, work, activities, ect), and yet as soon as they get to close and have what they fought so freely for, they will retreat. They must now withdrawal in order to be or feel safe again, closeness scares them, a vicious and destructive cycle in any relationship and or marriage. Commitmentphobia usually end up hurting others (not on purpose) in their attempt to have love and yet to not love so closely or intimately that they feel trapped or fearful. They will often hold back to keep from creating more problems once they have emerged.

You can best love this type of person by not wanting or needing to much, by waiting for them to come to you, by not demanding, by accepting that once they do need you they will retreat from you as well (cycling), and by creating your own life, fun and interest out side of your partner while you wait. You must be willing and capable of denying your own needs until the other person has a need or feels safe again if you are to remain in and to make the relationship you share with a Commitmentphobia work. Many relationships do not and cannot survive this viscous cycle for to long, and while some may last for many years or as a long term marriage it will eventually run the risk of ending from lack of emotional needs not being meet.

Commitmentphobia people are often Emotionally Unavailable… to self and others.


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