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Unread 03-19-2011, 06:12 PM   #1
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Default how do I deal with a selfish older sister?

Hi, I need some advice. I have an older sister who is 18 months older. As far as I can remember, she has been selfish and sought a lot of attention. My mother always accomodated her needs and gve her the attention that she wanted. There were some sibling rivalry between us, but eventually I passed that mark as I got older. Now we are in mid-30s and I and my partner are professionals (with designations). She has been married for 7 years and has two boys. Her relationship with her partner is somewhat strange to the social norm as her husband is controlling and she is submissive. The problem is that she uses my parents for domestic help whenever they come for visit. We are from a Asian country and my parents don't speak English. Everytime they come, my mother works 24/7 to cook, clean and babysit. My mother is a retired teacher and my dad is retired and not well (lung capacity is 1/7 of a normal person). My mother has to care for my sick father and almost works like a maid for my sister. During the last visit, my mother got so upset and almost had an anxiety attack. The thing is my mother doesn't speak up because she is so worried about my sister's marriage. Since 3 years, she stopped working (due to a move) and has been a stayhome mom who doesn't do much chores. Her husband works a lot of hours and cooks/cleans, etc. Therefore, my mother wants to pick up the slack to somehow cheer up my bro-in law (although she is not the wife). My sister is currently studying in hopes to become an accountant, which seems somewhat unrealistic (I am not trying to be mean but I and my partner are both accountants so we know what is required). She studied more than 5 years to finish an accounting program before she had kids but never finished. She also has poor language skills, which will make it even more defficult. The issue is that my parents are coming back in late April and will stay at my sister's house for a couple of months. I am so tired of hearing and seeing my mother at an unspeakable state and I don't think it is fair for her. However, my mother is not likely to stand up for herself. I don't want to be any savior or anything but I feel very annoyed and somewhat upset at how my sister treats my parents. She has been the source of problem for the family for a long time and caused quite a disturbance to my parents in her 20's. I have written her off so many times in life so far but it is hard to keep the distance from her because she is the only blood relative in the country (my parents and brother are still back home) I feel she keeps her two boys as hostages because my parents want to see their grandkids and in exchange for that, my mother has to work for my sister. There seems to be some problem with my sister's relationship with her husband and that is why my mother feels pressured to work even hard to make my bro-in law's life little easier (i.e. clean house, dinner prepared, etc). I am not sure what do any more because everytime I write off, I end up right back to Sq. 1 My mother always asked me to give in/provide for my sister (although I am the younger one) and that kind of made me grow up. Frankly speaking, my sister doesn't really enjoy motherhood and blaimed my mother for her having children (mom, you asked for it!), which made me laugh. She also acted as if she was doing a favor for the family when she was preg. (as it was the first grandkid). How do you deal with a person like this? I just want my parents to enjoy their retirement and they have done their job raising us so it is not my mom's responsibiltiy to take care of the grandkids. I am just so tired of her and feel really ashamed to say I am related to her. The matuirty is not there and I don't come across people like this in my social circles. I think that she is very insecure in many ways so that makes it very hard to communicate with her; however, she doesn't do anything positive to improve herself/situation. I don't think I can give in/accomodate any more. I feel that she thinks she is the main character in the movie and everyone else has supporting roles. I wish she was born in a royal family! I think she is still like 16 (she wants to be a business woman -without having a clue on what business but just for the look of it). Any though???
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Unread 03-19-2011, 06:33 PM   #2
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Default Re: how do I deal with a selfish older sister?

What a shame you did not get the amount of attention you thought you deserved in your family. Instead of wasting your valuable time writing criticisms of your sister, her husband, your sister's efforts to get an education and establish a career, and her poor command of language, I suggest that you tell your mother: "Mommy, I love you and want to spend time alone with you. Let's schedule regular time together." Then make that a priority. Using this approach you don't need to criticize your sister, her husband, or your parents' relationship with your sister, her husband and the grandchildren.
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Unread 03-19-2011, 07:01 PM   #3
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Default Re: how do I deal with a selfish older sister?

Quote:
Originally Posted by IceCreamKid View Post
What a shame you did not get the amount of attention you thought you deserved in your family. Instead of wasting your valuable time writing criticisms of your sister, her husband, your sister's efforts to get an education and establish a career, and her poor command of language, I suggest that you tell your mother: "Mommy, I love you and want to spend time alone with you. Let's schedule regular time together." Then make that a priority. Using this approach you don't need to criticize your sister, her husband, or your parents' relationship with your sister, her husband and the grandchildren.
Your feedback is not constructive, it is rather condescending. I hope life is treating you well.
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Unread 12-20-2011, 05:23 PM   #4
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Smile Re: how do I deal with a selfish older sister?

I understand how you feel. You should tell your mom to stay with you instead of her. It sounds like she has depression issues and maybe you you should tell her she should speak to some one about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mootto View Post
Hi, I need some advice. I have an older sister who is 18 months older. As far as I can remember, she has been selfish and sought a lot of attention. My mother always accomodated her needs and gve her the attention that she wanted. There were some sibling rivalry between us, but eventually I passed that mark as I got older. Now we are in mid-30s and I and my partner are professionals (with designations). She has been married for 7 years and has two boys. Her relationship with her partner is somewhat strange to the social norm as her husband is controlling and she is submissive. The problem is that she uses my parents for domestic help whenever they come for visit. We are from a Asian country and my parents don't speak English. Everytime they come, my mother works 24/7 to cook, clean and babysit. My mother is a retired teacher and my dad is retired and not well (lung capacity is 1/7 of a normal person). My mother has to care for my sick father and almost works like a maid for my sister. During the last visit, my mother got so upset and almost had an anxiety attack. The thing is my mother doesn't speak up because she is so worried about my sister's marriage. Since 3 years, she stopped working (due to a move) and has been a stayhome mom who doesn't do much chores. Her husband works a lot of hours and cooks/cleans, etc. Therefore, my mother wants to pick up the slack to somehow cheer up my bro-in law (although she is not the wife). My sister is currently studying in hopes to become an accountant, which seems somewhat unrealistic (I am not trying to be mean but I and my partner are both accountants so we know what is required). She studied more than 5 years to finish an accounting program before she had kids but never finished. She also has poor language skills, which will make it even more defficult. The issue is that my parents are coming back in late April and will stay at my sister's house for a couple of months. I am so tired of hearing and seeing my mother at an unspeakable state and I don't think it is fair for her. However, my mother is not likely to stand up for herself. I don't want to be any savior or anything but I feel very annoyed and somewhat upset at how my sister treats my parents. She has been the source of problem for the family for a long time and caused quite a disturbance to my parents in her 20's. I have written her off so many times in life so far but it is hard to keep the distance from her because she is the only blood relative in the country (my parents and brother are still back home) I feel she keeps her two boys as hostages because my parents want to see their grandkids and in exchange for that, my mother has to work for my sister. There seems to be some problem with my sister's relationship with her husband and that is why my mother feels pressured to work even hard to make my bro-in law's life little easier (i.e. clean house, dinner prepared, etc). I am not sure what do any more because everytime I write off, I end up right back to Sq. 1 My mother always asked me to give in/provide for my sister (although I am the younger one) and that kind of made me grow up. Frankly speaking, my sister doesn't really enjoy motherhood and blaimed my mother for her having children (mom, you asked for it!), which made me laugh. She also acted as if she was doing a favor for the family when she was preg. (as it was the first grandkid). How do you deal with a person like this? I just want my parents to enjoy their retirement and they have done their job raising us so it is not my mom's responsibiltiy to take care of the grandkids. I am just so tired of her and feel really ashamed to say I am related to her. The matuirty is not there and I don't come across people like this in my social circles. I think that she is very insecure in many ways so that makes it very hard to communicate with her; however, she doesn't do anything positive to improve herself/situation. I don't think I can give in/accomodate any more. I feel that she thinks she is the main character in the movie and everyone else has supporting roles. I wish she was born in a royal family! I think she is still like 16 (she wants to be a business woman -without having a clue on what business but just for the look of it). Any though???
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Unread 12-20-2011, 08:29 PM   #5
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Default Re: how do I deal with a selfish older sister?

I am sorry you are so upset. From your post I don't feel as you stated that you have gotten past your sibling rivalry. You still seem jealous.
If your Mom wants to stay there and help her, that is her choice. Raising two children is difficult. Parents are needed for help. As far as her marriage being strange that's not your place to comment, marriage is private between two.
If you are an accountant "with a designation" maybe your time would be better spent helping her reach that goal. Be supportive. The fact that you put that "designation" in the post when you are discussing a family problem seems to me you think it makes you better because you learned some things from a book, and it does not.
Maybe if you get rid of your attitude you will have some family harmony?
Just the way one person reads the post.
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