Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > General > Relationships & Communication



advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 11-18-2010, 12:31 PM   #1
Member
 
Distressed2010's Avatar
Distressed2010 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2010
Posts: 295
My Mood:

3 yr Member
7 hugs
given
Default How to deal with a mother that constantly criticizes you and constantly complains?

I live with my parents, I turn 27 tomorrow. My problem is that my mother, although she is caring with everything she does for me, she lacks that caringness whereas words are concerned.

she's constantly criticising me and says things like "you do this you do that.. you dont know how to be tactful, you suck at diplomacy, you're so messy always are.. sinc eyou came my house is so messy!"

I literally have maybe five shirts folded lying in the room and the rest is all HER mess from her cupboard and her clothes lying all over the place. Fault isnt hers either, its just that we don't have any space and she blames me for it.

she's constantly telling me i'm messy and I'm this an dthat and i'm just sick of it all, most of it is so darn untrue. Ok, I dont cook or anything, but i'll do tiny tasks like theres a lot of peopel comeing in and out of the house and i'll open/close doors, put food for her and give it to her, to my dad... tons of tiny tasks but she still says "you're useless, you dont do ****. you never have. you dont help me, i do so much for you. etc.." and it makes me so angry so

i finally told her that this was really damaging me psychologically, i really hated it when she said I don't know diplomacy. She yells at me if i ask "why" to a certain situation. When I expressed to her that this accusatory tone of hers really hurts me and I'm still trying to recover from the past, she totally got defensive and started saying I'm so unappreciative. it really hurt me

I used to tell my mom i can't sleep with her because she snores and she said "what? there's something wrong with you, everyone snores and everyone sleeps fine, wth is wrong with you? you're too much, its because you've been living on your own for too long, its messed you up.." all these things are really hurtful and damaging.. and when I said this to her she said "look at the outside world, when you go there, there arent gonna be people caring about your feelings etc".. but she's my mother, not the outside world!

She's constantly irritated, I just don't know how to deal with her and how to not let her comments hurt me. HELP!

Last edited by Distressed2010; 11-18-2010 at 03:31 PM.
Distressed2010 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-18-2010, 01:03 PM   #2
TheByzantine
Guest
TheByzantine has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: How to deal with a mother that constantly criticizes you and constantly complains

Hello, Distressed2010. Perhaps the articles that follow may be of use?

http://www.ehow.com/how_4545889_get-...p-nagging.html
http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_d...id=9777&cn=353
  Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 11-18-2010, 01:09 PM   #3
Elder
 
Leed's Avatar
Leed has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 6,543 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

3 yr Member
189 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: How to deal with a mother that constantly criticizes you and constantly complains

Hi ~ Do you have ANY idea why she is so unhappy?? Obviously she IS unhappy or she wouldn't be so negative and mean all the time. Is her health okay?? Do your parents get along? Or are they constantly arguing?

I have a feeling that she's really not mad at YOU. You're just in line for her anger, so she takes it out on you. I think she's mad at something else, or she has something else bothering her. Perhaps she's unhappy about her lot in life - maybe she had dreams of something totally different than what she got. Maybe she feels she's in a rut and would LOVE a change - a trip somewhere, something new and exciting to do. She's probably sick and tired of seeing the same old thing day in and day out. I would BET that ALL OF YOU take each other for granted. Families do that. No one EVER says "Thank YOU" to family members. For instance, when was the last time you ever thanked your Mom for a good meal??? You probably can't remember. LOL See??? We take each other for granted --- ALL families do that. Your Mom takes YOU for granted too.

Just a little simple kindness will undoubtedly put a smile on her face - or else she'll think you're up to something. LOL Just try some human kindness and see what happens. If you can afford it, take Mom out to dinner. Give her a break. Let her dress up and take her out. She'd enjoy that. Best of luck and take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee
Leed is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 11-18-2010, 02:15 PM   #4
Member
 
Muser's Avatar
Muser has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2010
Posts: 356
3 yr Member
44 hugs
given
Default Re: How to deal with a mother that constantly criticizes you and constantly complains

As carefully as I try to speak to my daughter she often gets upset with me anyway. It's complicated to say the least. I found this article helpful.

http://www.drlizhale.com/?p=52
__________________

Noun1.muser - a reflective thinker
"A true friend will keep your secrets and love you without judgment or conditions"

Muser is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 11-18-2010, 02:35 PM   #5
Done
 
lynn P.'s Avatar
lynn P. sick of being hurt
 
Member Since: Feb 2009
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 12,236 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
2,702 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: How to deal with a mother that constantly criticizes you and constantly complains

I agree with all the other posters and the helpful links and advise. I think your mother sounds frustrated in general and she's taking it out on you. It also gets more difficult when children become adults, yet the parent still takes the liberty to criticize. There's now 2 adult women in the house and personalities can clash.

You mentioned there's stuff out of order due to lack of space. Maybe you can both do an overhall of your storage spaces. If you haven't worn it in a year give it to charity. If you live where there's 4 seasons - store away summer clothes. Throw away anything that doesn't qualify for charity.

That's very unfortunate she couldn't empathize with you, when you explained how you feel. Do you have any plans on living on your own? In the meantime try to figure out what are her main irritations and keep your things organized. Sorry you're in this situation.
__________________
This is our little cutie Bella

*Practice on-line safety.
*Cheaters - collecting jar of hearts.
*Make your mess, your message.
*"Be the change you want to see" (Gandhi)

lynn P. is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 11-18-2010, 03:11 PM   #6
Elder
 
madisgram's Avatar
madisgram has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2008
Location: Sunny West Coast Florida!!
Posts: 6,840 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

5 yr Member
536 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: How to deal with a mother that constantly criticizes you and constantly complains

do u have to live with your parents? it sounds as tho the best solution for you is to be independent of your mom. idk your situation but that is what first comes to mind.
if u have to be there i'd do what is already mentioned in other posts. it sounds like mom's anger is coming out sideways to you. any possibility you could plan to be in your room more when you're home and be out of the house more too? the less interaction with her seems to be best. she's not going to change but how you deal with this you can change.
__________________
Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
madisgram is offline   Reply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Unread 11-18-2010, 03:11 PM   #7
Member
 
Distressed2010's Avatar
Distressed2010 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2010
Posts: 295
My Mood:

3 yr Member
7 hugs
given
Default Re: How to deal with a mother that constantly criticizes you and constantly complains

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leed View Post
Hi ~ Do you have ANY idea why she is so unhappy?? Obviously she IS unhappy or she wouldn't be so negative and mean all the time. Is her health okay?? Do your parents get along? Or are they constantly arguing?

I have a feeling that she's really not mad at YOU. You're just in line for her anger, so she takes it out on you. I think she's mad at something else, or she has something else bothering her. Perhaps she's unhappy about her lot in life - maybe she had dreams of something totally different than what she got. Maybe she feels she's in a rut and would LOVE a change - a trip somewhere, something new and exciting to do. She's probably sick and tired of seeing the same old thing day in and day out. I would BET that ALL OF YOU take each other for granted. Families do that. No one EVER says "Thank YOU" to family members. For instance, when was the last time you ever thanked your Mom for a good meal??? You probably can't remember. LOL See??? We take each other for granted --- ALL families do that. Your Mom takes YOU for granted too.

Just a little simple kindness will undoubtedly put a smile on her face - or else she'll think you're up to something. LOL Just try some human kindness and see what happens. If you can afford it, take Mom out to dinner. Give her a break. Let her dress up and take her out. She'd enjoy that. Best of luck and take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee
Hi Leed

You're partly correct, I know that something is bothering her and shes taking it out on me but I don't feel its fair for her to do that. Also, I try to help her by giving suggestions and she yells at me for just giving one suggestion. She mostly doesn't agree with my suggestions and will start saying I'm stupid and I dont know anything.. Its just a suggestion, take it or leave it..

I do say thankyou quiet a bit to her for many things ... like I said before, I do know shes very caring, she does lots for me but she lacks caringness in her words and words do wound me, since I was emotionally abused throughout my childhood. And i live in a dysfunctional family, so maybe I'm trying to look for ideas of how to deal with that and emotionally/psychologically detach myself.

If you have any tips on that, that would be helpful.
Distressed2010 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-18-2010, 03:19 PM   #8
Member
 
Distressed2010's Avatar
Distressed2010 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Sep 2010
Posts: 295
My Mood:

3 yr Member
7 hugs
given
Default Re: How to deal with a mother that constantly criticizes you and constantly complains

Quote:
Originally Posted by madisgram View Post
do u have to live with your parents? it sounds as tho the best solution for you is to be independent of your mom. idk your situation but that is what first comes to mind.
if u have to be there i'd do what is already mentioned in other posts. it sounds like mom's anger is coming out sideways to you. any possibility you could plan to be in your room more when you're home and be out of the house more too? the less interaction with her seems to be best. she's not going to change but how you deal with this you can change.
Hi you!

ha, the thing is due to lack of space, I'm sharing my room with her and my dad has the other room because of his sickness. So I'm sort of stuck with her and I usually go to bed at 6 am because she snores and I can't sleep with any noise so I'm trying to adjust to the best of my ability.

Also, this is what happens when we start arguing. Usually she keeps going on and on about it and I'll say a couple of things then get tired and move to the other room, but she'll follow me and start there again.

I also want to help her but she doesnt let me. I dont really know how to help her with this lack of space, she constantly complains about it and I just dont know what to do, we dont have extra storage, and we don't have anything to throw away. These are everyday clothes, etc that we use.

I also feel she's stuck in a rut and she's depressed but she won't accept that and thats okay, thats just my feeling and I'm not a T so I can't say much. But she hates Ts and she'll NEVER consider the possibility that she might be depressed, she sees depression as a very negative thing to have and avoids the thought of it.

I just don't know how to help her or help myself in this situation. Every time I've tried to communicate with her, she's said these things to me and this has been the same since childhood, I'm still trying to recover from old wounds and at the same time keep creating new ones

As of right now, i can't really move any place else.. this is what i have to live with for now.
Distressed2010 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 11-18-2010, 08:15 PM   #9
Grand Member
 
Soul Quake's Avatar
Soul Quake is a pariah
 
Member Since: May 2010
Posts: 705
3 yr Member
Default Re: How to deal with a mother that constantly criticizes you and constantly complains

Old people are usually stuck in their ways. Give her the silent treatment and in the mean time save up money to get out of there.
__________________




Rise up above it, high up above it and see


Last edited by Soul Quake; 11-18-2010 at 08:35 PM.
Soul Quake is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 08:40 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
SEO by vBSEO

advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity Guidelines Help

Helplines and Lifelines
eTrust Pro Certified