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Unread 10-24-2010, 03:06 AM   #1
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Trig Family falling apart after a death

Six months ago, my Mother-in-law passed after a horrible 7 month battle with cancer. She and my father-in-law had the most well-balanced marriage I'd ever encountered. She had 4 children; the ages of 17, 20, 40, and 45, and two children-in-law. She was a tiny little Italian lady with a huge heart (most especially for her children) who kept everyone in line and kept the family in order. I lived in the house and cared for her while she was ill, I stayed in the house during her funeral week and for a little time after, and I've just been visiting a week because her memorial mass is coming up. Many of the things I'm writing about - I have experienced first hand.

Mom and Dad had a little age difference between them. Mom was 34 and Dad was 24 when they met. In order to marry her, she insisted he join AA first and stick to it. She was raised in a loving family and he was raised by his mother who was very uncaring and mean to him. His sons have taken to describing him as emotionally immature to justify his recent actions. Even six months later the mere thought of this woman makes any of us cry because she meant so much to us. We keep her facebook page open as a support blog for ourselves so we can let her know how much we miss her.

Not even a week after Mom's passing, my Father-in-law began seeing a woman down the street. All they seemed to do is get drunk every night and have parties with loud music at the house when we children were trying to mourn. They have recently broken up and just gotten back together and now act very secretive, quiet, and drink quietly (after a two week binge on Dad's part while calling her the 'woman who gets around a lot' on the street). We think she may have cheated on him but he is so smitten with her that he is somehow ok with it or has justified it.

All of us are very emotionally upset/furious/angry about our Dad's decisions as of recent, but have so far remained silent, not knowing what to do. We are mortified that this woman is sleeping in our Mother's place in the bed while there are still 'I love you' notes from her children posted to the headboard from their last visit to the house before she passed.

In addition, Dad has almost abandoned his two sons still at home. They seem more like day laborers or apartment tenants now than his children. All the while going out of his way to help his new love interest's 8 year old with his homework, taking him fishing, going camping with them (but leaving his own children at home), playing video games, and helping him with his new puppy.

I know that I certainly have some real anger issues with this situation, we all do, and have talked to each out to get our anger out some. I've been speaking with his sons at home and the situation seems dire. Now instead of being a big family, no one comes to visit. Everyone who lives in the house comes home, and instantly goes into their respective rooms and shuts the doors, only coming out for food or to use the bathroom. When they are working on something outside; conversation is limited and coarse with Dad throwing in some not to well 'hidden' jab at one of his sons. Both of his sons are trying to find ways to move out - even if it means they won't finish high school or college. I've also heard that when they are drunk, this woman has been showing Dad real estate every chance she seems to not think the kids are around, but when the kids do come in the room she stops the computer searches.

I'm terrified that Dad was cheating on Mom all this time. Even though we all have had our suspicions due to the speed this lady began sleeping in the house. We are all scared to say anything because are we all going to blow up in an argument and he is going to tell the kids he never loved their mother or that he was cheating? Which will just crush them. I'm afraid he is going to sell the house and kick his two sons to the curb for this woman. I'm also terrified that this woman is using him to get a new house and will divorce him leaving him even more messed up than he seems to be. I have a hard time thinking that their marriage meant that little to him, rather that this is some coping mechanism none of us can understand. Please tell me what you think. Is this common? Is this a sickness or disorder? Is this just running away full speed? I think we ALL need counseling, dad included. But he won't even let the kids turn the heat on in their rooms let alone pay for counseling. I feel like I'm going nuts worrying over my family and everyone's futures.

Last edited by FooZe; 10-24-2010 at 03:13 AM. Reason: added trigger icon
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Unread 10-24-2010, 03:23 AM   #2
who reads this, anyway?
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Default Re: Family falling apart after a death

Wow that is a really bad situation. I don't have any wisdom to offer you but I want you to know that I read your post and I am here to listen anytime.
The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well. anonymous

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Unread 10-27-2010, 06:57 PM   #3
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Default Re: Family falling apart after a death

Well thank you, and the cat cheered me up a bit. My hubby is taking things even harder now that I've been away a few days (job interview), and has said he really wants to start seeing a psychologist. Said all he could do today was eat and poke around on the internet but that this morning he wanted to write a symphony. He's terribly conflicted and is very down.
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