Psych Central

Go Back   Forums at Psych Central > General > Relationships & Communication



advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Unread 07-06-2005, 01:30 PM   #1
Magnate
 
mrb020377's Avatar
mrb020377 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2005
Posts: 2,252
8 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Why do i keep setting myself up for disappointment? Can someone tell me?

I am 28 years old and by now you would think that I would have learned not to take her word! I am so frustrated with my mother that I could scream!!!! She is sooooo selfish, or course this is not something i have just found out. I have known it for a long time. It is just that I am having some major issues with her right now and it is becomeing more and more prominent that she is only out for herself.

She doesnt have anything to do with my children, but let her friends ask to watch their kids and she is all over it!

This past weekend she had a pool party and invited the family...... with the exception of her three kids and their families! SO my brother and his kids and me and my family felt that we were very unimportant!

I am not sure why this bothers me so much! She is still married to the man who molested me for more than 8 years........
we were supposed to go get a haircut together today but well she called in sick to work. When i called her at home to see if she was still going..... no answer!
The lady needed to know if we were coming and I was so mad that I just cancelled both appointments!!!
If i go without her she will throw a fit!

I know that she has her own issues that she has to deal with, but why does she have to push me away?
(She was physically abused by an alcoholic mother.)

Any suggestions, how do i stop setting my self up for disappointment?
__________________
Live life passionately, love unconditionally.
Hope for the best, laugh your heart out.
Cry when you need to, learn from the past.
And remember what is meant to be will find its way.



mrb020377 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-06-2005, 02:29 PM   #2
New Member
sunflower05 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jul 2005
Posts: 1
8 yr Member
Default Re: Why do i keep setting myself up for disappointment? Can someone tell me?

Oh I'm sorry. That is really hard. My best guess would be that you keep setting yourself up because she is still your mother, regardless of everything else. You can't help but control the urge to be in her life, because you are her child. I would love to give you some speech about dumping her, and how dare she stay married to the monster that molested you, etc. But... the bottom line is that is up to you to decide. It is up to you to decide if it is ok with you or not. But, at the end of the the day, she's still your mother, and no one can fault you for having trouble disconnecting from her.

The best advice I can give is to hang in there and know that someone is empathetic to your situation.
sunflower05 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-07-2005, 02:03 AM   #3
Poohbah
 
jennie's Avatar
jennie has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2002
Location: DC metro area
Posts: 1,366
My Mood:

10 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Why do i keep setting myself up for disappointment? Can someone tell me?

has your mother ever really been there for you?

i used to pretend . . . i needed to pretend that my mother was a good mother. she didn't protect me from the sexual abuse. she got more of her emotional needs met from me than i would receive from her. i gave her more. i always felt i needed to give to her, buy her things, take her places, etc. once i realized she was never really there for me, i was able to let go of "needing" her. i still love her, but i'm not giving more than she gives me. and, i'm not making "first" moves anymore. i only recipricate the love she initiates.
jennie is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-07-2005, 02:18 PM   #4
Most Legendary Elder
 
SeptemberMorn's Avatar
SeptemberMorn Count your blessings, name them one by one, And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
 
Member Since: Jul 2003
Location: CA
Posts: 20,195 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
196 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Why do i keep setting myself up for disappointment? Can someone tell me?

Your post touched me in a soft spot. At 61, I'm still wishing I had had my mother's understanding, caring and PROTECTION! I still look for it from others since she's been gone for over 20 yrs. It's a hole I can't fill even if I get that from other loved ones, which in reality, isn't all that much.

There's a saying I like very much, but I have yet to prove it 100%. "If it's going to be, it's up to me." What that means is that *I* have to find a way to fill that hole because I'll never get it from my mother. Maybe you won't either?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mel}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} }
__________________



Neither is there salvation in any other:
for there is no other name under heaven given among men, whereby we must be saved.

Acts 4:12
SeptemberMorn is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-07-2005, 11:42 PM   #5
Grand Magnate
 
jmo531's Avatar
jmo531 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,600
My Mood:

8 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Why do i keep setting myself up for disappointment? Can someone tell me?

((((((((((((((((((Mrb))))))))))))))))))))


I know how you are feeling. It is hard to accept other people behavior especially our parent when they continue to reject us over and over. There comes a time when you have to say enough is enough. You have to protect yourself and not keep putting yourself in the position not to be hurt. I know its not easy when it is one of your parents but we have to protect ourself. I am sending lots of hugs and love your way.
jmo531 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-08-2005, 08:35 AM   #6
Guest
has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: Why do i keep setting myself up for disappointment? Can someone tell me?

.....i don't often post about myself and forgive me if this is somewhat of a hijacking of the original post.......but all of the previous accounts of "life with mother"....or more correctly.."without mother"....hit me like a ton of bricks.....i relate to all of you in one way or another and my heart aches for all the pain that you have all been through and are still going through......i've been there too and it is the worst pain of my life....after a lifetime of abuse and emotional neglect from my mother,i was put in the position of caring for her for the last 3 years of her life after she was diagnosed with a brain tumor which slowly made her completely dependent on me and my family who gave up our home and everything we had to move in with her and take care of her and for as long as she was able,she made our lives hell....but we all persevered....i...because of the promise that i had made to my dad on his deathbed.....during this time i had to have back surgery and eventually i was no longer able to care for her at home and she was put into a nursing home...by now she was in a comalike state.....6 months later.....i got the call that she had passed away.......alone.........in spite of all that she had put my family through.....this thought consumed me for years........but through the love of a wonderful husband and family i was finally able to let it all go.......my life after that was wonderful and continues to be so........please......to all those who suffer from the lack of love and support of a mother.....try hard to not let it consume you....get help.therapy if needed.......God bless you all.......julia
  Reply With Quote
Unread 07-08-2005, 07:48 PM   #7
Magnate
 
mrb020377's Avatar
mrb020377 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2005
Posts: 2,252
8 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Why do i keep setting myself up for disappointment? Can someone tell me?

well guys, i am about to sit down and write a letter to my mom...... I am not going to mail it.... I just have to get these feelings out!!!!!!

I feel so lost and confused that I have to write it before i start to scream. Wish me luck!
__________________
Live life passionately, love unconditionally.
Hope for the best, laugh your heart out.
Cry when you need to, learn from the past.
And remember what is meant to be will find its way.



mrb020377 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-13-2005, 11:44 AM   #8
Magnate
 
mrb020377's Avatar
mrb020377 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2005
Posts: 2,252
8 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Why do i keep setting myself up for disappointment? Can someone tell me?

Well my mom finally called me today..... one week later. She didnt apologize for anything, but asked if I wanted to try to reschedule the appointment. So question to you guys...........Do i try once more and hope that she doesn't stand me up .....again?

Could really use some help on this! Thanks
__________________
Live life passionately, love unconditionally.
Hope for the best, laugh your heart out.
Cry when you need to, learn from the past.
And remember what is meant to be will find its way.



mrb020377 is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-13-2005, 07:34 PM   #9
Legendary
 
bebop's Avatar
bebop has no updates.
 
Member Since: Oct 2004
Location: Ga
Posts: 13,812 (SuperPoster!)
My Mood:

8 yr Member
23 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Why do i keep setting myself up for disappointment? Can someone tell me?

omg...I thought someone had been spying on my life. with all you ladies...what is it about mothers and daughters? I was the same way with mine right til the end. it seemed like I was a gluton for punishment. always going back. but I do know one thing. My mind is clear and so is my heart. I did everything I could to make her love me. I will never tell you to back away from your mom. To me no matter what she was still my mom and it was my duty to keep her in my life. only after she passed could I move on. Hang in there..I am here for you anytime
__________________

He who angers you controls you!
bebop is offline   Reply With Quote
Unread 07-15-2005, 02:01 PM   #10
Magnate
 
mrb020377's Avatar
mrb020377 has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2005
Posts: 2,252
8 yr Member PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Why do i keep setting myself up for disappointment? Can someone tell me?

well that settles it!!!!! I am about to totally give up!!!!!
I went out of my way to set up the first appointment only to have her stand me up...... I resecheduled that appointment.... again she didnt call me or anything......
I made the post asking if i should set myself up for disappointment yet again....I didnt get the chance!!!! i called to see if we could get in again.... but the lady never called me back nor did my mom.....
I get an email this morning from her saying that since she didnt hear from me, she couldnt stand it any longer and went to get her haircut!!!!!!!!

I know this sounds trivial and it is........ but had I dont that to her....... the SH** would have hit the fan!!!!!!!!

sorry i am gripping and seem to be on a soap box, but it just irratates me!!!!!
__________________
Live life passionately, love unconditionally.
Hope for the best, laugh your heart out.
Cry when you need to, learn from the past.
And remember what is meant to be will find its way.



mrb020377 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
disappointment Tiffanitter Depression 7 05-16-2008 10:36 PM
Disappointment and sadness serafim_etal Psychotherapy 12 05-01-2008 08:58 AM
disappointment skittles Creative Corner 1 10-03-2006 03:37 PM
Disappointment...... Parker10 Other Mental Health Discussion 12 07-23-2005 10:16 AM
disappointment Kalamity Depression 8 05-24-2005 10:21 PM


All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:11 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.

advertisement

 

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice,
diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.
Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.

 

HomeAbout UsContact UsPrivacy PolicyTerms of UseDisclaimer
Forums HomeCommunity Guidelines Help

Helplines and Lifelines
eTrust Pro Certified