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Unread 10-23-2007, 10:06 AM   #1
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Default Confusion

Does anyone ever feel confused after leaving a session -- confused by something a T has said or done?
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Unread 10-23-2007, 10:14 AM   #2
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Default Re: Confusion

Oh yes, feel free to read my most recent thread.

What are you confused about?
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Unread 10-23-2007, 10:15 AM   #3
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Default Re: Confusion

Yes, I would often feel confused and it would take me several days to "figure it out". I always took the opinion that it "meant" something (what they'd said or done, not the confusion :-) and that my T wasn't trying to confuse me (and may not know I was confused). I just worked at it until I figured out something to help me and then would check, starting the next session, telling the story of my confusion, to see if I'd gotten it right.
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Unread 10-23-2007, 10:40 AM   #4
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Default Re: Confusion

> feel free to read my most recent thread.

I did. Thanks. I am impressed at how good a job you seem to be doing of trying to understand what is going on between your T and you. I find that very, very difficult: understanding what is really going on, what is my part and what the therapist's.

> What are you confused about?

I think I will leave that alone for a while, until maybe some other people respond to my question. Actually it happens often, and there is more than one subject (on the surface) that is involved. Maybe I will try to be more specific later. I also suspect that when I get more specific people here will not understand why I get confused over such "small" things...
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Unread 10-23-2007, 10:46 AM   #5
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Default Re: Confusion

Well, I am trying but failing Pachyderm. He's given up on me because I've given up on myself. I don't know where to go from here. I feel invalidated and bad.

Anyway, anything that you think or feel is not small to you and it won't be small to us. Some might think I'm fretting over nothing who knows.

Confusion is part of the process but it is also painful especially for those like me who read into every word and tone of voice...
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Unread 10-23-2007, 10:53 AM   #6
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Default Re: Confusion

> Confusion is part of the process but it is also painful especially for those like me who read into every word and tone of voice...

I suspect that is true for many (all?) of us here. It comes from what we learned to be sensitive to as children in a (vain) attempt to cope with what was going on around us. It is our strength and our vulnerability.
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Unread 10-23-2007, 11:19 AM   #7
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Default Re: Confusion

More thoughts on confusion: suppose we think we identify where our T has said or done something related more to his/her issues than to ours. What do we do then? Do we think we can cope with discovering that (assuming it is real), or not? What if the T does this sort of thing frequently? Is it dangerous to us or not? To me it certainly feels dangerous most of the time -- I know why that should be, considering my personal history. Can I deal with it now? Do I really want this new "learning opportunity"?
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Unread 10-23-2007, 12:03 PM   #8
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Default Re: Confusion

Could you explain a little more? I don't think I'm fully understanding.
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Unread 10-23-2007, 12:59 PM   #9
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Default Re: Confusion

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
pachyderm said:
More thoughts on confusion: suppose we think we identify where our T has said or done something related more to his/her issues than to ours. What do we do then? Do we think we can cope with discovering that (assuming it is real), or not? What if the T does this sort of thing frequently? Is it dangerous to us or not? To me it certainly feels dangerous most of the time -- I know why that should be, considering my personal history. Can I deal with it now? Do I really want this new "learning opportunity"?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I have thought that maybe last night was about what you just posted. I'm not clear though because when I asked him for some clarification is invalidated it. It may have been my defensiveness but I felt like he was suggesting that I am encouraging my sons devaluing of my husband lately. This hit a nerve because of my value/devalue issues at times. I say at times because if I disagree with someone's point of view, does that count as devaluing?

I'm assuming he was trying to indicate that I have no earthly idea for sure
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Unread 10-23-2007, 03:58 PM   #10
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Default Re: Confusion

Almeda, "but I felt like he was suggesting that I am encouraging my sons devaluing of my husband lately;" is very confusing to me because there are too many, he said that I thought that he thought that the other guy might be thinking. The more "direct" either with your husband or with your T you can be, the less confusion there should be. But trying to work on your husband through your T isn't going to work. What the other person "sees" is not what you "are" but only what you are projecting (as onto a screen at a movie theatre). For your T, it sounds like what he had heard before from his sister and he gave you his opinion/feelings about that.

It is not up to your therapist to deal with your husband's lying or spanking your child or even necessarily to support you in what you want in that arena. You need to confront your husband and deal with the consequences of whether or not he "complies" with what you want. It sounded to me like some of your T's questions were only looking for what you want, not commenting one way or the other about what you want. Not everyone is against spanking but I can't imagine anyone being "for" lying. What are you going to do about your perception that your husband lied. . . again? That is the question. I think worrying about what your T is doing/saying/thinking/meaning is avoidance of that immediate question.
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