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Unread 04-17-2013, 11:00 AM   #1
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Default argh, I just ran out of a therapy session

My appointment was at eleven and I was running about five minutes late (not typical).

I probably just should have gone back to t's office but I waited a few minutes and finally he came (and told me I should just go back if I'm running late, athough I won't do that). I was/am so anxious that I'm shaking (being late makes it worse, but I'm like that most of the time)...

We sat in silence for a few minutes (felt like forever) while I fidgeted and felt awkward and angry and frustrated and kept thinking obsessively, "I-hate-this-I-should-leave."

Then I said that out loud and put my shoes on. Sat there a few more minutes trying to psych myself out the door and T said, "So bad you have to leave?" Then I said "I can't do this," and bolted out the door. I pretty much ran down the hall and out the door.

Gaaah, I am so weird, and such a jerk. I hope I didn't rattle him too much (probably not, as I think he is un-rattleable). I don't think he will call/email me or anything and he hasn't yet. Honestly, I think he doesn't like me, either, and wouldn't care if I never went back. I don't think he really gets people who are so shy and self-effacing...I almost think it's confusing to him.

I was thinking in the waiting room that I should just get up and leave before he came, and this morning and last night and the day before I was thinking I should just not go.

I've had this impulse before but not acted on it...like, I'm thinking all these disasterthoughts like something is wrong/nobody cares about me, including this therapist/I'm annoying/why am I bothering?/this is stupid/everything is stupid/you're never going to be different/T is annoyed and frustrated by you, too/give up/leave . Then I feel overwhelmed and want to bolt.

I am wondering if I should get a new therapist or give up on therapy. I am so frustrated with myself. I think I'm not working hard enough or not doing something right. I still have so much trouble talking and have been feeling SO ANGRY at t because he just doesn't ****ing talk when I don't (he has all these stupid ideas about respecting silence and not being intrusive) but kind of blaming myself and pushing it back for months.
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Unread 04-17-2013, 11:09 AM   #2
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Default Re: argh, I just ran out of a therapy session

((((((((((((((((( athena )))))))))))))))) breathe......


when you are calm, that's the time to think about making a change. Not now. take good care of yourself today.
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Unread 04-17-2013, 11:14 AM   #3
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Default Re: argh, I just ran out of a therapy session

I don't think a client leaving is that big of a deal to a therapist. I understand that much anxiety is hard, because I shake at appointments too. If you tell the therapist what would help, assuming you know, do you think he would try it?
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Unread 04-17-2013, 11:19 AM   #4
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Default Re: argh, I just ran out of a therapy session

That sounds sooo hard. I wish it was easier for you. I don't know if an issue is the T or not. I wish it was easier to tell.
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Unread 04-17-2013, 11:24 AM   #5
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Default Re: argh, I just ran out of a therapy session

Quote:
Originally Posted by athena.agathon View Post
I still have so much trouble talking and have been feeling SO ANGRY at t because he just doesn't ****ing talk when I don't (he has all these stupid ideas about respecting silence and not being intrusive) but kind of blaming myself and pushing it back for months.
I don't think you sound weird or like you're a jerk. FWIW, I've *very casually* walked out of a T session after 15 minutes. I was having some pain issues and couldn't physically sit down and then I just felt like going back home. I told T I was going to leave-- I wasn't upset-- and he said, okay, and I walked out. I went back the next week and carried on. I talked about all the things in my life I couldn't walk away from.

Have you talked to your T about being angry because he is silent, and how it might help you for him to talk more? My T was big on silence, too, and there might come a time when you are grateful for it, as when silence isn't so spooky it can feel like a safe opening to talk about what's floating across your mind, and then therapy can be more like an in-the-flow thing rather than so constricted and difficult.

But then I talked to him about how when I talk about the most difficult stuff I need less silence and more interaction, and he changed. And part of working in therapy is bringing this stuff up to your therapist. Maybe you already have, and that's where he gets his dumb ideas. If that's so, maybe it is time to change therapists or of course, you may do that at any time. I personally think there's a lot of value (just like in other kinds of relationships) to try to work on making it work for you, to learn to tell someone what you need and see how they respond to you. Many of our difficulties will follow us from one T relationship to another, and resolving them sooner rather than later can be really helpful. On the other hand, sometimes the fit between T and client is just not good, and you can learn about what's you and what's T by switching.

But mostly I just wanted you to know that someone else (and there are probably other people on this board here) who have walked/run/skipped early on sessions, and the world doesn't tilt any further on its axis. You can choose to go back and talk about it, or ignore it and carry on, or you can try another T and see how that goes.
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Unread 04-17-2013, 12:25 PM   #6
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Default Re: argh, I just ran out of a therapy session

How do I talk about this?

Because what I am thinking is angry/abusive and I wouldn't ever ever say it, so I need an acceptable script. (Sorry about all the bad language)

(what I'm thinking: I hate you. I hate your ****ing silence. If you notice that I'm struggling, why don't you ****ing say something and TRY to help me? I don't think you even ****ing notice. You're just like everyone else who ignores me and I'm ****ing pay you for this.)
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Unread 04-17-2013, 12:28 PM   #7
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Default Re: argh, I just ran out of a therapy session

I think you should tell your T what you wrote in your post here. And having read how you perceive your T, I'm not convinced you're right - are you sure you're not projecting things onto him, and seeing a mirror of what you think, and what you think he thinks?

What would help you to talk? TELL HIM how you feel. Tell him you're angry. I very much doubt he feels the way you think he does, and I'm sure he'll be up for helping you if he's a good T.

Personally I can't stand silences, but I also need my T to let me talk. Poor guy has a hard time getting it right.
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Unread 04-17-2013, 12:42 PM   #8
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Default Re: argh, I just ran out of a therapy session

Did your therapist contact you afterwards?

I ran out of a Pdoc appointment once and I know the terrible feeling. I couldn't stand the anxiety and bolted. It was SO HARD to go back after that.

I wouldn't beat yourself up about this. It happens.
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Unread 04-17-2013, 12:48 PM   #9
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Default Re: argh, I just ran out of a therapy session

Quote:
Originally Posted by athena.agathon View Post
How do I talk about this?

Because what I am thinking is angry/abusive and I wouldn't ever ever say it, so I need an acceptable script. (Sorry about all the bad language)

(what I'm thinking: I hate you. I hate your ****ing silence. If you notice that I'm struggling, why don't you ****ing say something and TRY to help me? I don't think you even ****ing notice. You're just like everyone else who ignores me and I'm ****ing pay you for this.)
This is therapy. It's okay to be angry and abusive. It's okay to say exactly this, and will probably help.
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Unread 04-17-2013, 12:50 PM   #10
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Default Re: argh, I just ran out of a therapy session

Quote:
Originally Posted by athena.agathon View Post
How do I talk about this?

Because what I am thinking is angry/abusive and I wouldn't ever ever say it, so I need an acceptable script. (Sorry about all the bad language)

(what I'm thinking: I hate you. I hate your ****ing silence. If you notice that I'm struggling, why don't you ****ing say something and TRY to help me? I don't think you even ****ing notice. You're just like everyone else who ignores me and I'm ****ing pay you for this.)
You can talk about it by sticking with the observable behavior that you are pointing to as not helpful to you. You can leave out your interpretations that (1) he's noticing that you are struggling (I don't think that T's have any magic to distinguish struggle, where most of us hide this pretty well, from working-it-out or getting-it-together); (2) he notices but he refuses to help (he might think or hope he's helping by sitting there waiting patiently for you); and (3) he's ignoring you, like other people. Can you imagine the possibility that your interpretations are actually coming from your own issues, and probably aren't true?

You can say something like, "I have a problem with silence. I often sit here and can't think of what I want to say. When you are silent in response, it makes me feel angry, because I think you could be helping me and you're not."

You don't have to spew expletives to get your point across. Or you can spew them, t's have heard them all before. I'd bet actual money that your T would really hear what you think and feel in any words that you can put to it than you not say what's on your mind.

My perspective on therapy is that you can't wait around for your T to fix it for you. If you're not getting what you need out of therapy, you have to speak up about what's wrong. If your T doesn't respond well, then it's time to look elsewhere. But in my experience, being honest about what's going on with you while you're in the room is a fantastic start to changing how you relate to people and the rest of your life.
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