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Unread 05-23-2012, 07:21 PM   #1
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Trig Passive Death Wish

This post is a huge trigger. Don't say I didn't warn you guys. I want to know how many of you have a passive death wish? The reason why I'm asking this is my T seemed to be SO concerned that I have a passive death wish. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me at all. She asked "Is it because you don't value your life?" Duh!!! Of course I didn't say "duh" to T. I only said it in my head. She asked why I didn't value my life and man we dugged so deep into it that I cried so hard. Now I feel like I'm more messed up than I thought I was. I didn't think I was that sad. WTH? Now I can't stop crying. I feel like my life should be given to someone who would value it. I feel emotionally numb at times and I hate it so much. My interest in life has been severely lacking for almost ten years now. A life without much interest isn't a life worth valuing. So what's so wrong about having a passive death wish when I'm mentally tramatized and it's not like I chosed to be. It was inflicted upon me. I've tried to cope with it and it's been a tough battle.
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Unread 05-23-2012, 07:29 PM   #2
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Default Re: Passive Death Wish

You are far from alone. I also have a passive death wish and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. I wish I had advice, but all I can say is that you are definitely not alone in this
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Unread 05-23-2012, 07:33 PM   #3
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mine's not so passive... lol no, seriously I'm so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. Last week my latest fantasy was to die a violent death by ... never mind. sigh... I'm just so sorry that you are suffering so much. I don't know you but hope I am sending you good energy.
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Unread 05-23-2012, 07:45 PM   #4
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Default Re: Passive Death Wish

Sorry I'm rather naive, but what's a passive death wish? Like you're not actively planning your suicide, it's just a "I wish I would just die" kind of mentality? I'm sorry you're feeling that way, . I think your T is so concerned because they care about you and want to see you enjoying life of course! If my idea of what a passive death wish is, is correct, then I think your T would be concerned that it may turn into more active planning. I hope you talk to your T more about this, I know it's scary . You're doing good.
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Unread 05-23-2012, 07:46 PM   #5
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Default Re: Passive Death Wish

yang, no... you are not alone in this.
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Happiness cannot be found
through great effort and willpower,
but is already present,
in open relaxation and letting go.

Don't strain yourself,
there is nothing to do or undo.
Whatever momentarily arises
in the body-mind
Has no real importance at all,
has little reality whatsoever.

Don't believe in the reality
of good and bad experiences;
they are today's ephemeral weather,
like rainbows in the sky.


~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~

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Unread 05-23-2012, 07:48 PM   #6
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Default Re: Passive Death Wish

I always think I have one, then I get like bronchitis, and I have to make a choice - go get antibiotics, or NOT? All of a sudden I don't have a passive death wish anymore, I have a pretty active "I want to stop coughing" life wish. When I jumped out of an airplane (many many years ago), my brother said, "Did you discuss this death wish with your T?" T and I figured out, it was my brother who had/has a death wish for me - this was on my bucket list before bucket lists were invented (3 down, 2 to go!). So make sure it's not your family projecting these feelings onto you, as mine were. It's not necessarily personal - it can be unresolved grief over other family members, a sibling, a parent, an ancestor that you may not even be really aware of, but we become the receptacle of these horribly negative, perhaps unconscious feelings. Not knowing where they come from makes them even more difficult to defend against. My brother knew the family stories, but being younger and a girl, I wasn't told, but the consequences were played out more on my neck, not his.
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Unread 05-23-2012, 07:55 PM   #7
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Default Re: Passive Death Wish

Thanks all for your replies. The meaning of a passive death wish huh?

"A passive death wish exists when you prefer to be dead but you are unwilling to take active steps to bring this about."

It's not like I sit and think that I want to die or have fantasies about dying. Lately, it gets triggered by my surroundings. Like last week I witnessed my sister's n-laws in a heated arguement and her FNL said to her MNL "You don't love me? I'm going to kill all of you." It was a threat but I could care less. I was thinking "Go ahead if that will make you feel better and if that will make your anger go away. I could really care less." What I cared about was my sister's kids. They are all under the age of 7. I didn't want the kids to witness such F'ed up crap. I called sis up and asked her if I could remove them from the situation and she consented. I just wanted to protect the kids because they are extremely vulnerable. When it comes to me, I couldn't give a damn. I think this troubles T.
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Unread 05-23-2012, 08:00 PM   #8
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Default Re: Passive Death Wish

Quote:
Originally Posted by hankster View Post
I always think I have one, then I get like bronchitis, and I have to make a choice - go get antibiotics, or NOT? All of a sudden I don't have a passive death wish anymore, I have a pretty active "I want to stop coughing" life wish. When I jumped out of an airplane (many many years ago), my brother said, "Did you discuss this death wish with your T?" T and I figured out, it was my brother who had/has a death wish for me - this was on my bucket list before bucket lists were invented (3 down, 2 to go!). So make sure it's not your family projecting these feelings onto you, as mine were. It's not necessarily personal - it can be unresolved grief over other family members, a sibling, a parent, an ancestor that you may not even be really aware of, but we become the receptacle of these horribly negative, perhaps unconscious feelings. Not knowing where they come from makes them even more difficult to defend against. My brother knew the family stories, but being younger and a girl, I wasn't told, but the consequences were played out more on my neck, not his.
Thanks Hankster. I have a strong feeling that it's from unresolved grief. I struggle with survivors guilt BIG TIME!!!! I hate grief. Why does loss have to exist? Maybe without it, we would not of appreciated the things we had.
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Unread 05-23-2012, 08:23 PM   #9
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Default Re: Passive Death Wish

definitely feel ya! car accident, road sink hole, earthquake anything i am not picky...
just wish it would hurry up!
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Unread 05-23-2012, 08:37 PM   #10
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i forgot this...

__________________
Happiness cannot be found
through great effort and willpower,
but is already present,
in open relaxation and letting go.

Don't strain yourself,
there is nothing to do or undo.
Whatever momentarily arises
in the body-mind
Has no real importance at all,
has little reality whatsoever.

Don't believe in the reality
of good and bad experiences;
they are today's ephemeral weather,
like rainbows in the sky.


~Venerable Lama Gendun Rinpoche~

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