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Unread 05-09-2008, 10:37 PM   #1
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Default Living with the Narcissist

Sorry Narcissists, It is impossible to live with you. You lie, you cheat, and you dissapoint. I know I have one. He hurts me over and over again. I am to blame for everything. I hurt so bad. He doesn't care. He had the nerve to tell me I am fat, I just had a baby 4 month ago. I go to the gym 4x a week. I am working hard. I had a C-section. Yet, while we were dating, he was having sex with his estranged wife of 240 lbs. I weighed 115 lbs at the time. Nothing is ever good enough for a narcissist. So don't ever let yourself think you will be. You can't do enough for them. Making them 3 meals a day, taking care of 5 kids, 2 his, 2 mine, and one ours, will never be enough. He is always tired when it comes to sex, which leads me to believe, what the heck was going on when he had sex with me 5x a week and somehow was with his estranged wife as well. Now I can't even get once the week. The N will beat you down and make you feel worthless. I am telling you get out while you can, before there are so many kids involved you feel trapped. He will come on as your best friend, "your go to guy", sweep you off your feet with words and actions, it''s all a front. He will go behind your back and do whatever he wants. You are nothing. You can never be loved. The N loves himself so much, actually he is in love with himself. He feels he can do no wrong. He believes his lies. Everything you did as a couple is no longer going to happen. It will be what he wants, when he wants, what he wants to watch, telling you there is another TV. Then when you think you are actually making a connection, he will say maybe we'll do that later. Guess what LATER never comes. TOMORROW never comes. Never comes in the loving manner you wish. Seriously, if you have any insight you may be with an "N" run, run run far away. Otherwise, you will be trapped and he will convince you that it is you. Trust me, you can't be to blame for everything. He is not perfect. Noone is. Don't tell him that though, he will hold it against you. Most "N"s have deviant sex. I know, mine has but not with me. I suppose that was the attraction to the ex-wife. She would do whatever he wanted. I have to draw the line somewhere. It really sucks being lonely in a house with an "N". I hate it. I keep thinking it's going to change but it never does. It always goes back to him. He will somehow change everything, throw your past in your face, but if you do it to him, you will pay 10 fold. Trust me. Go away while you still can. I am so confused. I have kids that he puts down. Yet, I would never do that to his kids, because that isn't me. But if I did put his kids down, I know he would go. But expect to be treated like a doormat, walked all over and back again. Don't expect a thing, then you will never be disappointed. My doc asked why I wait for him at night to pay attention to me or talk to me, and guess what, I don't know. I wait keep thinking that he will love me but he is incapable. He is making me hate my ownself. I am rambling but trust me it's all true, very true.
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Unread 05-10-2008, 06:17 AM   #2
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Default Re: Living with the Narcissist

Our daughter has the same personality, and as long as things are her way, life is good! As soon as someone balks at what she wants, it is all over but the shouting. She knows it all, wants to be the boss, no matter what is going on, and it doesn't bother her one bit to hurt other's feelings. She has ruined three kids lives. Her two stepsons, and her own son by her first marriage. Now they have a 7 year old together that she will probably mess up. Guess what? Mom was there for her all these years trying to help, but no more. She refused to work like others so we bought clothes for the kids, etc. It is over!! Things are not going to change for you. Why do you stay, and be treated like that? I don't know why my son-in-law takes what my own daughter dishes out day after day. It isn't right!!
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Unread 05-10-2008, 06:53 AM   #3
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Default Re: Living with the Narcissist

Eureka katiescarlett!!! You have struck gold! (gold of coming to the realization that to the N you are an object to be used or tossed aside - at his or her whim)

I believe once the Victim of Narcissist makes this breakthrough - that nothing they do will make the N behave like the rest of humanity - the time for action has arrived. DO SOMETHING!!! Counselor, lawyer, batterd shelter, anything... ESPECIALLY if kids are involved. My stepson was raised by the N for 5 years and it completely made him an emotional wreck. Plan your escape carefully and secretly, because once the N. gets wind of being abandonded (their secret fear) they can become violent. Make notes of his behavior, recording specific instances. He may try to trick you into thinking those things didn't happen and that it must be YOUr warped thinking. DO NOT FALL FOR THAT!!!!

You deserve a life with real emotions, trustworthyness and genuine love. Your kids deserve this too. It may seem an impossible task, but I am living proof that it can be done and that the grass is wayyyy greener on the 'normal' side of life even if I am alone. Sure, he still stalks me and I am always looking around corners (because he threatened my life once), but with counseling I am standing on my own and very proud of my 'escape'.

I wish you both all the best in this terrible situation.

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Unread 05-10-2008, 07:03 AM   #4
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you know what evry1 i hate bad relationships and sometimes dont see why people stay in these types no body deserves to be treated badly i wish i could make evry girl in this world happy but i am only one person i love to see a girl smile and know it was cuz of me i could no matter what never treat a girl bad its not me i hope you figure things out in the long run
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Unread 05-10-2008, 03:23 PM   #5
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I have NPD and can relate to a lot of what you said but I think you were too harsh about saying you should run from a narcissistic relationship. I mean give us a chance, we are not bad people. We may love ourselves and personally i think non-narcissists are jealous of our self-love.
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Unread 05-10-2008, 06:46 PM   #6
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Hi Katies. (and hi Von),
If you hadnt mentioned your kids I would have said some different sort of things. But from what you said, your children are being hurt by this man.
First and foremost, they deserve your protection, otherwise they are being betrayed.
I dont speak from the moral high ground, but from my own past. I have been involved with a narcissist, I was addcted to him, My child growing up was damaged by his behaviour. You can probably guess my regrets and pain over this.
What ever it takes to protect your children from emotional harm by this person - specially as he's not their father?-

N. are addictive, you get into the situation that reflects thier way of thinking about themselves, that they are the world, and nothing outside them could ever be valuable or nurturing. This is a delusion.

Theres lots of sources of help if you need too.

Its not so much about how good/ bad they are, its about being at a certain developmental stage, but in an adults body this can be dangerous and create a vortex. My mother was an N. What she touched or got close to she polluted and damaged, and worse.

Sorry if this is a bit grim, but first you need to get you and your kids to an emotionally safe place, before you can think clearly and get perspective.
Good luck.

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Unread 05-11-2008, 08:51 AM   #7
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Default Re: Living with the Narcissist

no disrespect intended 90mph, if there is a shread of cooperation I believe there can always be a chance with enough therapy - but as RiverX said, when children are involved it's more urgent to get them to a safe, emotional place for good, healthy development.

Jealous of N's self love? Puh-leeeze. If you could see it from the other angle, it's revolting.

Jealousy has no place in a relationship either. Just doesn't seem healthy. And that's the goal we all shoot for, right? to have a healthy (or as healthy as possible) life?

it seems from the originating post that cooperation is already right out the window. nobody, NOBODY deserves to be treated like a doormat or an object. I'm all for 'fighting for love' (been there done that), but when the proverbial brick wall has been hit and all available help has been called in and failed, WHY STAY????
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Unread 05-11-2008, 03:25 PM   #8
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Default Re: Living with the Narcissist

katiescarlett, I have been married to a narcissist for 20 years and only recently realized that was his problem. It was a lot of pain for 20 years, but we're separated now, and will be divorced soon. Best move I ever made. Now that I have made the move to escape from him and his abusive and selfish ways, I wonder why it took me so long. They can be so charming, and from time to time they give you tidbits to make you think there are better times ahead. The dream of love dies hard. But nothing ever changes, and as you said, you can feel trapped because of the kids. I am so glad I finally woke up and am getting out.

Now that I understand things better about my marriage, I know that I will never put up with this from another man. If I ever go on to have another relationship (and at this point I don't want to), I will be able to recognize a narcissist much sooner and will head for the door as soon as I do. Sorry, but no thanks to that.
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Unread 05-11-2008, 11:38 PM   #9
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Default Re: Living with the Narcissist

For 90mphneutral, I have tried to give him chance after chance, a time to just tell me the truth, time to treat me better, by me treating him better. How many chances does a "N" really need, maybe you need to fill me in a little. I appreciate you speaking and admitting you are an "N". I am amazed in a good way.

But my "N" thinks I am jealous of everything. Well i am jealous of some things, knowing he would cheat on me in a second if he knew I wouldn't find out, knowing he slept with his estranged wife and claimed he was faithful to me. Trust me, she knows very personal things about me, she wouldn't have know, she said they discussed me while having sex, then this "N" claimed his love for me and married me. How could I have been so stupid?

Maybe you are not as big of an "N" that he is.....but he is still lying about it. I did get into it with him the other night, but of course, he yet again denied it. What is he so afraid of? I don't believe him. I pretty much told him so. I said, "I want to believe you I really do"....but I have caught him in other lies, only when confronted with the phone bill, for example, did he fess up. He never would have had I not been so vigilant. I can't control his work phone, but I can check up on most things. Let me tell you why I do....because he lied to me a few times and was caught, he will continue to lie to get what he wants, leaving me in the dust, expecting me to just take it. So again I ask, how many chances?

After identifying the problem and trying to get to marriage couselling trying to talk it out for months, how long should I give chances, please please let me know. Maybe being an "N" yourself, you can tell me why this is happening to me. What am I doing wrong? Help me if you can. Please.
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Unread 05-12-2008, 12:17 PM   #10
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Default Re: Living with the Narcissist

I gave my N. 9 months of 'carte blanche' (anything he wanted)

I gave my N. 9 months of me confronting him on every level, bringing his family and friends into my problems with him (they were not surprised, nither were they helpful but it's important to have witnesses)

I gave my N. 6 months in marriage counseling.

The Therapist told me, when I had had enough, to RUN!
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