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Unread 01-06-2014, 03:02 PM   #1
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Trig Financially drowning, depressed, & no help...

In my introduction post (Newbie, here for an introduction) in the New Members forum, I explained how I'm basically, financially destitute & I have no one to go to. My father is well-off, but won't help me anymore because he helped me pay my bills after I got a divorce 6 years ago. I was in college when my divorce came up & he wanted me to finish school so I could get a decent job. Well, I was a wreck & couldn't get through school. I had trouble finding a decent job & took whatever I could find at the time. My father eventually cut me off & hasn't helped me since. I have struggled since then, living week to week, day to day & always paying my bills late, including my rent, which he co-signed on when I moved into my current apartment because my credit was/is so bad. I'm currently about to lose everything, but I can't go to my dad because the last time I asked for his help (my car was about to be repossessed for late pymts) he claimed all I ever want from him is money. He is my father & I love him, but our relationship has always been strained. So, I had to ask him for money again. That certainly doesn't mean that's all I want from him. My dad is a 'pull yourself up by your bootstraps' kind of guy & doesn't believe in hand outs. He also knows I'm so broke that I could never pay him back...at least not anytime soon. So, I haven't asked him for help since (3 years ago) & I'm scared to death to go to him now. (Back story, my parents divorced when I was 2, he left town for work when I was 10, & we just never got close.)

I work a job I hate because I can't find anything better & I'm not surviving. It is literally making me so hopeless, I'm suicidal. This isn't anything new & I did attempt suicide 6 years ago during my divorce. One of the reasons, I'm sure my father helped me. My January rent is due ($1000), my phone bill is due by Friday ($200) or it will be turned off. My cable/internet is going to be turned off in a few days ($200) & my car insurance is due to be canceled by Jan 15th is I don't pay $180. My checking account was closed on December 24th because it had been overdrawn for more than 30 days so, now I'm in Chex Systems & can't get a new account. If I pay off my overdraft ($800) by Jan 24th, the bank will let me re-open my account. If not, I'll have to go to one of those 2nd chance banks like what is at Walmart.

Anyway, I have no one to go to. I'll never be able to come up with almost 3K this month & I feel so hopeless. I realize the cable/internet isn't important, but I do have a teenager at home. I have a great boyfriend who has helped me in the past, but I refuse to go to him again because I don't want to be that woman, if you know what I mean. I don't want to be a burden & again, I feel like such a failure. I don't want to be a desperate woman who needs rescuing. He lives out of town & currently has his own financial issues to deal with. I am 42 years old for pete's sake.

I've had a plan for the past few months which involves suicide this summer. My son will be out of high school & hopefully, going to college. My plan was to move out of my apartment when my lease is up & into something cheaper, but I don't think I'll be able to get approved because my credit is destroyed. Now, I feel like I should just end it all. I don't see any change in the future. I literally have $100 to my name which I've been holding onto for gas & food this week. My boyfriend & I have talked about me moving to where he lives this summer, but again, I don't have any money & I don't want to be the woman who needs to be rescued. How attractive is a charity case?

Anyway, I am completely lost. I feel like I can't even talk to my dad about my situation because even if I don't ask for his help, he'll assume that's why I'm telling him about my problems. He'll just get mad & tell me to get my act together & learn how to manage my money better. I've tried telling him it's not about managing my money, it's about not having any money to manage. He's never been in my situation. He had a great career, retired at 55, & received a huge inheritance from his mother.

I apologize for the length of this post. My situation involves a lot & I have no one to talk to. By the way, I do go to counseling every few weeks although, lately I can't afford it. I am also on an antidepressant....which does help. My T says I need to call my dad & ask for help asap. She says that's what he's here for & she doesn't think any father would want to see their daughter suffer. If he has the money, he should give it to me. You can't take it to the grave. Unfortunately, my dad doesn't think that way.

I also have a grapefruit size tumor in my uterus which causes me pain & I need a hysterectomy. I have no health insurance & can't afford to take off work for the recovery time. When I told my dad about it, he said, "let me know how that works out for you". Seriously.

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Last edited by Purpletulip26; 01-06-2014 at 03:02 PM. Reason: Forgot trigger icon.
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Unread 01-06-2014, 03:25 PM   #2
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Default Re: Financially drowning, depressed, & no help...

I would draw up an official looking financial plan, what and how much your expenses are, how much you make, where you would like to get to by when, how much it would take to put into effect, etc. and "sell" it to your father (along with a payback plan as part of it). Pretend you are a business. Figure out what your father would like from you and/or what you would like to give him (time, house cleaning help, home-cooked meals occasionally, what?) and get a relationship going other than just one around money.

If you have a shortfall in expenses, point that out and sell it; my husband moved from where he was to near his parents while in college and figured out a roommate-shared housing arrangement but was $50 a month short of making it work but reminded his father that the alternative was his living with his parents His father gave him the $50/month.

Give your father choices (that you are giving him rather than his doing all the deciding), $10,000 now to get you straightened out (and arrange for insurance/medical care, etc.) and you pay him $X/month back for Y years; or $50,000 over the next 5 years for schooling in ______ subject which you start to pay back in 2020 at 4% interest; do some serious/official-looking financial figuring after looking at what you would really like the future to look like. You have to be a participant in what you would like to have happen and work at it at least as hard as you want someone else to help you with it to help you?
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Unread 01-06-2014, 03:35 PM   #3
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Default Re: Financially drowning, depressed, & no help...

Quote:
My T says I need to call my dad & ask for help asap. She says that's what he's here for & she doesn't think any father would want to see their daughter suffer. If he has the money, he should give it to me. You can't take it to the grave.
I know how crazy frightened money can make you. It must be terribly frustrating. To make matters worse I think your T is a little naive about the situation. Not all parents are nice.

I don't have a lot of advice. Just wanted to say I do get it. The one piece is to call your city services. My city has short term cash assistance. I know you need longer than that but it's a start. There may be other programs that you do not know about unless you call.
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Unread 01-07-2014, 01:03 AM   #4
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Default Re: Financially drowning, depressed, & no help...

Well, my favorite color & my favorite flower, hello!

I am very sorry that you're having such a difficult time right now. I can relate in many ways, but I won't bore you.

In my experience, your T is a bit "off". I have known many elders that most certainly do hold onto their money tightly instead of handing it onto loved ones in need unfortunately. That has been a very sad and repetitive fact that I've seen several times in my life. (I'm 43 y.o.)

I think that I would start off by contacting county authorities and applying for financial assistance. This season is tough, but there are programs out there that you may be eligible for.

Immediately after finding out what help you qualify for, you then should have a clear picture of where you are financially. I certainly can understand how hard it is to go to your father for help, but you need help. Plain and simple. Your creditors don't give a hoot where you get the money, but they want it now! Maybe you should take a course in learning how to manage your income as well?

I digress, Give your father a couple of options. Lay it all out on the table clearly at once. (Instead of going to him every few days or whatever) Make it clear that you will pay him back in payments of $x /month, starting in ___.Work out a payment plan that he agrees with. Lay it out ~ so he can see your income and debts. He manages his money well, so he ought to be able to give you some helpful advice too.

You don't have to kiss his hiney, but you should be ready to swallow your pride a bit. You're in a very difficult spot right now ~ you're going to have to let go of some things to deal with it. Pride level does come down. Extras has to come down as well. A $200 monthly cable/internet bill? That's insane! Is it that high because it's 2 bills in one & only costs $100 something per/month? That is okay, and seems to be the going rate. Realistically though, cable & internet are not monthly necessities. It kind of stinks to be without, but, you * could* manage your life without them.

Whatever you do, don't avoid the companies that are hounding you for payments! Answer their calls, make smaller payments, show them that you are trying to get them paid off & it may just take a little longer. If you can, go into the bank & sit down with one of the bank managers and explain your plan to re-pay them quickly very clearly. Try not to get emotional, or over-explanatory with them. Simply show that you CAN be trusted. Hopefully, after some quick financial work and a good talk, they will reinstate your bank account.

I hope that I'm not coming across in a mean or judgmental way ~ I really do not intend to at all. My hub and I had to declare bankruptcy before our divorce, because a couple of his bills were out of control. Before that, however, I used every dollar that I could get a hold of to make payments to my debtors. Other than my student loan, I got all of my creditors paid off after several months. My student loan wasn't allowed on the bankruptcy, but as a married couple, I was considered "fair game" to go after in order to pay my exe's debts, so that had to be done before our divorce went through.

It is complicated ~ I understand that. (((hugs))) to you purpletulip. I'm sorry that you're also suffering with your intense uterine fibroid. No fun at all! I had adenomyosis for many, many years before I finally had the support and means to get the hysterectomy done (almost 3 years ago). A very supportive and informative site that I often used to help me with my misery (on the adeno issue) was: hyster-sisters.com mobile They really were terrific in many ways!

I gave you lots of info...hope that it helps you through. You can make it! But, you do have to swallow first a couple of times & keep your pride in check.
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Unread 01-07-2014, 06:38 AM   #5
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Default Re: Financially drowning, depressed, & no help...

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Unread 01-08-2014, 10:59 AM   #6
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Default Re: Financially drowning, depressed, & no help...

Thank you to all for the advice. I greatly appreciate it. The main problem I'm having is that I simply do not make enough money to cover my expenses. When I get paid, I have to choose...do I put this money aside to save for my rent or phone bill or student loan payment OR do I put gas in my car & buy groceries?? This is the main reason I overdrew my bank account by so much. I never have enough money for anything so, I'm constantly having to pick & choose on which bills to pay. Do I buy groceries or do I pay the electric bill? Do I fill my gas tank so I can get to work or do I pay the water/sewer bill?

To set up a payment/financial plan with my dad or anyone at this point seems like a mistake for fear that it's just another bill that I can't afford because I don't have enough money coming in.

I've been going through my monthly bills to see where I can cut back & honestly, I've done what I can. My only other option is to move into a cheaper apartment, BUT I have 6 months left on my lease. I've asked my landlord if I can get out of it without a penalty & she said, "no".

I've considered getting a 2nd job, but the job I have is scheduled differently every week. I'm simply exhausted from all this. I cannot live the rest of my life like this. It is killing me in every way.
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Unread 01-08-2014, 06:34 PM   #7
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Heart Re: Financially drowning, depressed, & no help...

Okay, Purpletulip,

Breathe deeply.....hold.....release. Do it again 2 more times. I will wait.....................................
.................................................

Ready now?

You aren't making enough money to pay your bills now. We do understand this. That is why it's highly recommended that you check into county assistance, to see what programs you may be eligible for AND talk with your father about loaning a lump sum to you now. Enough to pay off your extended bank fees, energy bills, phone/internet/cable, with a little extra to get you through.

However...you still need to show that you're doing whatever is reasonable on your side to take care of these ongoing bills. How much of a penalty fee would you be responsible for if you left before your lease is up? Maybe just a couple hundred $. Paying that might be easier for you to do than struggling for another 6 months. Are you living in a pretty nice place, with extras, or in a nice side of town?

I said that I wouldn't do this in my last post...but I'm going to have to tell you a little bit here. When my ex-hub and I separated 6 years ago, I had nothing. I was a college graduate, but I had nowhere to go. I had to move in with my parents (even though we have a very messy background). I had no other choices! The little money that I was making through my job went to pay those bills that I was late on. During that time, I did what I had to do to get me through. I had to defer my student loan fees, a-g-a-i-n (which I hated doing!). I also drove a lot less than before which saved on gas, maintenance, and insurance fees.

I got my exercise by walking a few miles a couple of times per day. I also shoveled the sidewalk and huge driveway in the winter. My point is: I cannot express how much I wanted to avoid what I ended up having to do. Because that thought was a nightmare to me for many reasons ~ but I did what I had to do for 7 months (or so?) and then I got the hell out of there & back onto my own!! I also still had to make sure that my place was much more affordable. It's not my dream town. I miss a lot of the things that I had before. But, I got myself & our girls a membership at the Y for exercise ~ that's a nice, very important thing to me. I live downtown now, where all of the town events occur. I am right there ~ that can be pretty neat. There are a lot of parks within walking distance, I like that. So, those positives help me feel a lot better about the decision that I made years ago.

I'm not telling you that you need to move in with your dad. Don't worry about that. But, I am saying that sometimes we need to do exactly what we do NOT want to do so that we can eventually get into a better place. Rather than stay in the blender that we're in, getting chopped up smaller! Do you see what I mean now?

I hope that I didn't bore you with my story & that you have a better understanding of what I think you should do to help yourself in the long-run.
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Unread 01-08-2014, 06:59 PM   #8
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Default Re: Financially drowning, depressed, & no help...

I hear you, about not being able to ask family for help. For me, it's not from being cut off, it's from personal pride.

I hear what Shezbut, is asking about getting out of a lease? Sometimes, downsizing is the only solution. Sometimes, the bill game needs to get played out, are you in any capacity, to push out one, to pay the other? Anything, books, cd's, dvd's, old jewelry, etc, that can get sold off? I, personally, would rather sit on debt, than borrow such large sums from anyone.

What can you do, right now, to secure, a roof, lights and food? Everything else, is secondary.
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Unread 01-09-2014, 02:42 PM   #9
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Default Re: Financially drowning, depressed, & no help...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Purpletulip26 View Post
Thank you to all for the advice. I greatly appreciate it. The main problem I'm having is that I simply do not make enough money to cover my expenses. When I get paid, I have to choose...do I put this money aside to save for my rent or phone bill or student loan payment OR do I put gas in my car & buy groceries?? This is the main reason I overdrew my bank account by so much. I never have enough money for anything so, I'm constantly having to pick & choose on which bills to pay. Do I buy groceries or do I pay the electric bill? Do I fill my gas tank so I can get to work or do I pay the water/sewer bill?

To set up a payment/financial plan with my dad or anyone at this point seems like a mistake for fear that it's just another bill that I can't afford because I don't have enough money coming in.

I've been going through my monthly bills to see where I can cut back & honestly, I've done what I can. My only other option is to move into a cheaper apartment, BUT I have 6 months left on my lease. I've asked my landlord if I can get out of it without a penalty & she said, "no".

I've considered getting a 2nd job, but the job I have is scheduled differently every week. I'm simply exhausted from all this. I cannot live the rest of my life like this. It is killing me in every way.
maybe you can apply for your states welfare/foodstamps/medical insurance plans.. with the new federal law stateing all americans must now have insurance coverage the state social service programs have had to change their standards so that even those that work can get welfare services if needed....

here is a link to the social services/ welfare program for the location on your profile.....

Missouri Department of Social Services Home | Your Potential. Our Support

just select the county you are in for food, healthcare family slot and it will give you the location of your social services agency, contact information and an online option if you would rather apply online.

I know many people don't like taking welfare because they think its charity but its not really charity, if you have or are working then a percentage of your income goes to the state which means you have already been putting money into the welfare program. Some of that money, foodstamps and health coverage you will be receiving is from yourself and all that money you have been paying in over the years through state taxes and other state fees taken out of your wages.

my suggestion give it a try, even if its only 25-50 bucks in food stamps you end up with thats 25-50 bucks cash you have that will be now for you to use on your bills and you wont have to make the choice between paying bills vs other things. you may even be eligible for a cash grant and medical coverage to boot.
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