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Unread 01-13-2012, 08:25 PM   #1
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Alizarasky0315 In the pursuit of happiness
 
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Heart Interracial Relationships: Dealing with Disapproving Family

I am black girl in college involved in romantic relationship with a white guy who is also in college,we are both 19 years old ( born on the same day in fact).We love each other and our relationship couldn't be more perfect. Sadly his parents and brother don't see it that way and without getting to know me and talk to me personally about their issues with our relationship they have stopped at nothing to break us up, going so far to even threaten that his college tuition be taken away if he didn't break up with me. They refuse to talk about the reasons for their disapproval directly to me and I don't really know why they hate me so much. They claim it's not because of my race but because of the person I am. I'm very confused by this however because I have not even met them yet. They have told my boyfriend that they hate me and they call me names and they openly question my moral character. This situation has caused a lot of hurt and confusion to me and I'm very afraid of what lengths they will go to get rid of me. My boyfriend's dad has said "I want to kill her." and his mom has threatened to harm herself if my boyfriend did not end the relationship. We still love each and we believe we might be each other's future mate. We have even talked about marriage. I don't know how to deal with this. I'm growing more anxious and depressed with each passing day. I'm afraid of being consumed with worry and sadness. His parents control every aspect of his life and won't allow us to contact each other.. I haven't spoken to him in 5 weeks. I feel guilty because he tells me his parents believe I have ruined their relationship with their son and I'm the one to blame for their family's undoing. Please help. Is there anything I can do you soften their hearts? Or prove that I' not the person they think I am. How do I show someone that if they say they "never want to see her face,and never want to hear her name." My heart is so broken. I love him. What can I do?
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Unread 01-14-2012, 12:48 AM   #2
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Default Re: Interracial Relationships: Dealing with Disapproving Family

Hiya Alizarasky0315, welcome

I am sorry you are caught in this situation right now. I don't have a lot of experiences with relationships, but what's happening here seems INTENSE. You've never met your boyfriend's family and they are going off like ^this^?!?!? Wow .
No one can control your feelings, or control love for that matter, so these reactions are just not making sence...Try to keep safe too in the meantime, ok. Again, welcome to PC.

Take care.....
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Unread 01-14-2012, 10:10 AM   #3
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Default Re: Interracial Relationships: Dealing with Disapproving Family

Hello and welcome. I hope you have supportive friends; they can give you the positive feedback about yourself that everyone needs to hear. You don't need to prove anything to his parents. I will tell you this about: "his parents believe I have ruined their relationship with their son" -- If you hadn't come along to rock their world, a million other situations and people would, because children have the nerve to grow up and become their own persons and to live on their own!!! Give it time, study with all you have, have fun, enjoy being young, and let your boyfriend deal with his parents.
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Unread 01-18-2012, 11:01 AM   #4
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Heart Re: Interracial Relationships: Dealing with Disapproving Family

Hi Alizarasky

I'm an older white woman who was married to a black man and have an adult child from that marriage. My parents accepted and liked my ex-husband and I'm still close with my ex-inlaws. Still, both sets of parents were a little nervous at first about how we'd be treated in society (late 1970s) - and it wasn't easy.

I know times have changed, but they haven't changed all that much. It sounds to me like your bf's parents are racist and concerned about their own "reputation" within the community. If that's the case, there's nothing you can do about this, and it is most definitely NOT your fault. Maybe your bf can soften their views and get them to accept/love you, but I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for them to change. As long as he's under their roof and under their control, he'll have to abide by their rules.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this type of hatred. I wish you and your bf the best of luck.
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Unread 01-18-2012, 11:08 AM   #5
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Default Re: Interracial Relationships: Dealing with Disapproving Family

I believe it will make you stronger, and more loving to each other.I have been through it, and, my husband of 20yrs, and I, don't give a crap what people think or feel about our family. We have 7 children, beautiful kids, great kids. It's your life, if the love is really there, it will work out. May not be easy, but, nothing good is. Wish you the best!!
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Unread 01-18-2012, 11:54 AM   #6
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Default Re: Interracial Relationships: Dealing with Disapproving Family

Hello, Alizarasky0315. Welcome.
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Unread 01-18-2012, 12:14 PM   #7
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You are in and good and loving place. Welcome!
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Unread 01-18-2012, 12:40 PM   #8
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Default Re: Interracial Relationships: Dealing with Disapproving Family

Welcome to PC! I believe IceCreamKid got it right color has nothing to do with it. They sent their little boy off to collage and have all these expectations in their head.....He will never grow up, he will spend 4 or more years in collage become a Dr. or Lawyer and his mother will be his 1st and only women he will ever love. He will live happily ever after in their little fairy tail world! Be the best you can be and try to enjoy collage life if the relationship blossoms great, if he can get out from under his parents hold on him great, if not you know you did your best. Sending hugs your way!
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Unread 01-18-2012, 05:07 PM   #9
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Default Re: Interracial Relationships: Dealing with Disapproving Family

Your timing is off by... well, you missed Martin Luther King Day, where
they have a marathon of racially themed movies that dealt with the
question of how can a Man know a black person and remain a bigot?
The answer is , only through blindness.

I can not remember the movie but once a black man and blind man were being
friendly, then someone came up to the blind man to tell him
he was speaking to a black. The blind man then retreated.
Nothing had changed, only the blind man's awareness that he was suppose to
condemn the person who he had accepted, based on something that
was beyond his perception.
At first, I thought your issue may be just overprotective parents feeling
no girl is good enough, but your statement "I want to kill her" from dad,
and the mom's self-threat are just ... bizarre.

so sorry you have to see such ignorance.

SandU.

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Unread 01-18-2012, 05:12 PM   #10
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Default Re: Interracial Relationships: Dealing with Disapproving Family

Archie Bunker (sitcom) represented Archie's contempt for blacks, but this was
shown because of the actor's feelings. Carroll O'Conner was the most loving,
open, receptive person and in everyway the opposite of the character
he portrayed on TV.
If your parents in law know this show, they should know what kind of kind man
Carroll O'Conner really was.

Rest In Peace (Hero)

Sandee
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