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Unread 07-04-2011, 06:41 PM   #1
Anonymous33005
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Unhappy Need to leave husband but I can't afford to

The Background:
I met my husband in 2007 - we had a whirlwind courtship which when I look back now was probably a manic episode for both of us. I'm diagnosed bipolar he is not but has a lot of symptoms. We were engaged 1 month after dating and were living together immediately. i gave up my apartment after a few months to move into his home. I got laid off around the same time so it worked out really well, but was hard after having many years of independence.

I'm 41 and he's 42. When we met we were both earning close to 6 figures...after I got laid off, he supported me taking the summer off to relax which I did, and I've been contracting since then. I recently took a work from home job that paid less because I was getting so stressed out at work.

He thinks i'm defective for having bipolar, even though his mood swings are wild and often.
My finances are horrible right now - all of my savings i had before i met my husband went towards the wedding. We've kept all of our money separate, which has been good and bad, as he's run several credit cards up and i only have one.

The Current:

We've been fighting a lot. He's very insulting and I've been aware for a while that he's been mentally abusive and just trying to deal with it and figure something out but it's getting to the point where I need to make a plan. He's also violent, not towards me, but he broke a big tool box today, and i've watched him break other things. My T told me recently that i'm showing signs of PTSD and having been in an abusive relationship before, I know this is really bad.

I told him today that his anger petrifies me and he said I should leave.
He has refused to go to any kind of marriage counseling or anger management anything. His idea of trying is being nice to me till he gets frustrated and says something mean, then pretends it didn't happen.
I talked to his mom about his temper, since he's an only child and she knows him very well. She feels bad for me and also said i'm in an abusive relationship - but she can't really do anything - she can't say anything because he'll freak out on her too.

So now I know i need to go, but I can't afford to go anywhere. and I have cats who he hates, so i can't just leave them here. I don't earn enough to pay rent with my expenses.

He told me today that he can't deal with me crying all the time so it's going to have to be soon and I just don't know what to do.

Last edited by Anonymous33005; 07-04-2011 at 06:51 PM. Reason: added more
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Unread 07-04-2011, 06:48 PM   #2
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Default Re: Need to leave husband but I can't afford to

Been there. I'm proud that you recognize you need to leave. Why do you have to leave as opposed to telling him to leave? I know all too well about the fear of not being able to make ends meet. It's hard and scary. Reach out, talk to family and friends and community resources. Best of luck to you.
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Unread 07-04-2011, 06:55 PM   #3
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Default Re: Need to leave husband but I can't afford to

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Originally Posted by cantstopcrying View Post
Been there. I'm proud that you recognize you need to leave. Why do you have to leave as opposed to telling him to leave? I know all too well about the fear of not being able to make ends meet. It's hard and scary. Reach out, talk to family and friends and community resources. Best of luck to you.
It's his house. Actually, it's his mom's house - her name is on the deed. It's the house he grew up in and i wouldn't want it.

I have friends I can stay with for short term, but nowhere to go with the cats. they are my biggest worry, other than rent.

I'm petrified to tell my parents. They aren't good with the whole support thing. they try but they end up stressing me out more than anything else. i've been holding out as long as possible.
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Unread 07-04-2011, 08:12 PM   #4
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Default Re: Need to leave husband but I can't afford to

Well at least you are recognizing that you have to take steps. You did have a good job so I suggest you find another job that can support you again, on your own. If you did it once you can do it again. I know the economy is tough but you need to have a plan. In the meantime you need to find ways to be busy and away from him as much as you can. Maybe you could find a place where someone is looking for a roomate to help cover expenses. You only have two cats and most people don't mind cats that much. You have to roll up your sleves and get into those newspapers on online and start looking for options. You did it before and you can do it again and that is the way you have to look at it.

I am sorry that you have to be in such a position, I understand how hard it is to feel so uncomfortable and exposed in your situation. But your still only in your 40's so your still young enough to try to find a job that you can get back to taking care of yourself.

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Unread 07-05-2011, 08:45 AM   #5
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Default Re: Need to leave husband but I can't afford to

So my plan is to find a job that pays more so i can afford to leave.
Once i have that in place i can go - my awesome friends are so supportive - my best friend told me she will buy me whatever i need, like a vacuum, toaster, microwave, whatever stuff i got rid of when I moved in with my hsband.

My actual career is helping people find jobs, so hopefully I can do it for myself.

After the latest blow out with him last night where he basically told me that "he can't deal with this anymore blah blah blah" he came in my room and acted like nothing happened and talked about us moving to another state!
like moving away would solve everything.
and i just said ok.
If I pretend to be a stepford wife it goes great. And i will do that till I can leave if i can because it works better than crying.
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Unread 07-06-2011, 11:35 AM   #6
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Default Re: Need to leave husband but I can't afford to

Bless your heart ~ this is NOT a good relationship and the sooner you can get out of there, the better it will be for your mental health.

You have enough to deal with already, without an abusive husband too!! I think I'd head for a women's shelter temporarily -- until you can find and afford proper housing. I'm sure your friends would look after your cats until you can get into your own place.

The longer you stay, the more harmful it will be to you. You don't want to "undo" all the progress you've made in therapy. I lived with an emotionally & psychologically abusive man for 26 years -- and it took me a long time to "recover" from the insults, name-calling & general abuse. My self esteem was in the gutter -- and it's hard to get that back.

I wish you the very best -- I hope you can leave soon. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee
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Unread 07-08-2011, 07:00 AM   #7
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Default Re: Need to leave husband but I can't afford to

Thanks Leed.
He has some really crazy mood swings.

Monday till today, Friday, he has gone from
Monday
at 1pm after i witness him kicking the cr*p out of something
telling me if I can't deal with his anger then i need to leave
5pm - asks me why I don't seem happy
6pm - tells me he can't deal with me crying and this much crying isn't normal...when i mention that his mood swings aren't normal he has nothing to say...when I ask him if he loves me enough to try to change or to get help, he says he knows the scars are too deep and he can't change what's done in the past.
8pm - comes into my room and tells me about looking at houses in another state and wouldn't it be great to live there

Tuesday
He knows I have the pdoc today so he is very nice, called me 3 times to check on me, tell me he missed me and couldn't wait for me to come home.
Wednesday still loved me most of the day and we rescued a baby bird together which i think he felt brought us together.
but he didn't like the way I answered his question....so black mood came back on and he stopped talking to me.
but now I have my plan in place...I keep acting the same, no more crying. i will be my nice self, because that freaks him out and keeps him guessing.
Went to bed not speaking but when he left in the morning on Thursday I said "bye Honey" the way I always do...
He called me 3 times Thursday - texted me while I was with my girlfriend to say how much he missed me.
When I came home last night,you'd think we had the best marriage ever.
Telling me how much he loved me, how i'm such a wonderful woman.
How he tells everyone how lucky he is.
He does not fool me.
i will be out by the time he gets home from work and out for most of the night.
I'm sure by the end of the weekend he will be on the other side of the spectrum again.

i have friends that will take me and the cats. if I have to do it that way. i'm seeing a friend in the next few weeks who has an empty house that i'm really hoping will offer it to me.

in my head i want it to be all done in one clean sweep, like where he comes home and I'm gone, all my stuff is gone....
Maybe i'm being naiive or foolish to believe that can happen.
Now that I have this plan in place of how to act, it's helping me stay more together. I'm focused on getting a job and getting out.
i really appreciate everyone's support...i know I will leave, it's just a matter of when.
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Unread 07-08-2011, 07:38 AM   #8
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Default Re: Need to leave husband but I can't afford to

Wow ~ You poor thing! That would be impossible to deal with! He obviously has some serious problems and needs HELP. I'm sure he realizes that how he's acting isn't "normal." But men seem to have a mental block when it comes to getting counseling. It guess they think it isn't "macho" to ask for help, or something. I don't know. My ex and I went to marriage counseling - and on the FIRST visit, the counselor said something to my ex that he didn't like, and he got up and stormed out of the office -- never to go back.

You can't live while walking on egg-shells all the time -- you never know when he's going to blow up! I sure hope you can get out soon -- and I hope HE comes to his senses and gets help. He sure needs it.

Keep us posted on your progress -- I'd really like to know! Hugs, Lee
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Unread 07-08-2011, 07:58 AM   #9
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Default Re: Need to leave husband but I can't afford to

Hello, jadedmoonbeam. Is there a safe shelter in your area? Talking to someone there about your situation might be beneficial. If you are worried about getting your possessions out of his home and the division of any joint debts, you might see if you can find a domestic relations attorney who gives a free initial consultation. Many times the unwary get a lot of debt dumped on them, especially since he seems interested in moving out of state.

A safety plan is a good idea. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/ste...stic-violence/
http://www.thehotline.org/
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Unread 07-09-2011, 10:03 AM   #10
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Default Re: Need to leave husband but I can't afford to

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leed View Post
Wow ~ You poor thing! That would be impossible to deal with! He obviously has some serious problems and needs HELP. I'm sure he realizes that how he's acting isn't "normal." But men seem to have a mental block when it comes to getting counseling. It guess they think it isn't "macho" to ask for help, or something. I don't know. My ex and I went to marriage counseling - and on the FIRST visit, the counselor said something to my ex that he didn't like, and he got up and stormed out of the office -- never to go back.

You can't live while walking on egg-shells all the time -- you never know when he's going to blow up! I sure hope you can get out soon -- and I hope HE comes to his senses and gets help. He sure needs it.

Keep us posted on your progress -- I'd really like to know! Hugs, Lee
He has flat out refused to go for help. He just keeps saying that this is how he is, this is how he's always been and he's not going to change, that our marriage isn't worth trying for.

His mood swings are so sudden and severe - when they are good i tell myself I can do this and i can make it but then they change again and it's very hard to maintain that certainty and stay in control in front of him.


Quote:
Originally Posted by TheByzantine View Post
Hello, jadedmoonbeam. Is there a safe shelter in your area? Talking to someone there about your situation might be beneficial. If you are worried about getting your possessions out of his home and the division of any joint debts, you might see if you can find a domestic relations attorney who gives a free initial consultation. Many times the unwary get a lot of debt dumped on them, especially since he seems interested in moving out of state.

A safety plan is a good idea. http://psychcentral.com/lib/2006/ste...stic-violence/
http://www.thehotline.org/
Byz I am going to take your advice - I have a semi plan - i will make a full plan - and I will look into a shelter - I'm just so worried about my cats.

He has wanted to move out of state since I met him though. We go to the same place every year. We only have one investment account together, no joint credit cards (unless he did it without me knowing) no joint bank accounts.
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