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Unread 05-03-2014, 03:28 AM   #1
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Trig I feel...

like I have no identity. Like recovery isn't worth it. Like nothing is worth it (no, not suicidal, more like apathetic - which atm feels more dangerous to me). I feel like I will never fit in anywhere. I feel like I'm just a speck of dust floating in the wind, drifting into oblivion. I feel like I am so tired of trying to communicate that it would be better if I just curl up into a ball and live the rest of my life under my blankets. I feel so much, and yet so little. And mostly I just feel like depression is kicking my butt. And then I feel like letting it.

ETA: I also feel like there's no point posting this. I feel like it won't change anything. Then again, I feel like nothing will ever change. I feel like I'm wasting my time and everyone else's time. I don't know what I expect. I don't know what to expect from anything anymore.

They have months and days and weeks or whatever. To spread 'awareness' of some of my disorders. I see people flood my FB news feed with all this BS about how they care. Yet, when you try to talk to them about it, they brush it off. It's funny. Funny how life works like that. I feel like some people only 'care' when it's convenient or when people are watching.
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Some nights I don't care anymore..

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Last edited by bronzeowl; 05-03-2014 at 03:46 AM.
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Unread 05-03-2014, 06:54 AM   #2
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I wouldn't advise looking for support on FaceBook. Most people don't understand or if they do they want to help but don't know how and say stupid things. This is a much better place to get help and support. We understand and have been through what you are going through.

Copy and Paste from a post I just posted in another thread.

I totally know what it is like to give up all hope and think nothing will ever change. I hit that wall over two years ago. I had given up all hope that anything would help. I had been trying so many things for so many years. So many different meds that would sometimes work and then quit working. Ever since the beginning of 2011 nothing was working no matter what meds i was on. I moved back to Michigan in the worse depression I had ever been in. My family forced me to keep seeking treatment. I didn't see the point at all but I went through the motions for them. Six months in a horrible suicidal depression, then one day I just snapped out of it. I was kind of good for four months, a lot of anxiety and paranoia but not depressed. Then in Sept it was right back into the depression. Six more months of hell and no hope. Then recently I switched meds yet again. A flippin miracle these meds have worked better than anything I have ever tried. I can't believe it. I never would have thought it would happen. So I learned that it was worth it to keep going to my pdoc and T and doing what little I could even though I had absolutely no hope.

Maybe it won't last I don't know. I am gonna ride it out though for as long as feeling this good lasts.
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Unread 05-03-2014, 07:01 AM   #3
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Unread 05-03-2014, 10:41 AM   #4
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No words of comfort from me, only that i know those feelings only to well.
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Unread 05-03-2014, 03:18 PM   #5
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Hi bronzeowl, I know you felt that there was no point in posting but thankyou!! What you're feeling does matter to us!!! And I know the bit about people "caring" can be thrown around so casually now-a-days (like zinco said: facebook!!!), but here you are going to find people who truly care.
And yes, nothing we can say is just going to "snap you out of it", nothing is going to just evaporate the way you're feeling. The road to "recovery" can seem so long (sometimes impossible!!) and have so many "up's and down's" but getting there can be something else, something different than you're probably envisioning it right now. This has taken up so much of you it's probably hard to see things a different way, but...............
And just like zinco said (zinco's amazing by the way!!) finding the right medication can make the world/life look so different.
So keep on talking, and giving us the chance to try to support you through this, please!!
Here for you if you want to talk more...........
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Unread 05-03-2014, 03:59 PM   #6
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Thank you Alison!!! You are pretty amazing yourself. I needed to hear that right now and it is bringing tears to my eyes.
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Unread 05-03-2014, 11:02 PM   #7
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Oh, no, I don't mean necessarily that I turn to Facebook for help or anything like that. I actually very seldom use Facebook except to check on family members and share pictures of my dogs and my rodents (which actually sounds pretty pathetic when I put it like that, but I'm content using it solely for that purpose). Facebook was just one example, as when I do use Facebook I am so often flooded with things like that. The most recent one seems to be some picture floating around "Share this if you'd stay up all night to talk someone out of suicide". And I guess I felt bitter when I saw it, because one of the people... well, definitely did not when I tried to speak to him when I was in that frame of mind. As of late, I admit, I have become... a bit bitter toward people in general. Logically, I know depression likely has much to do with this.

I know, though, that people who have been depressed themselves... or have battled addiction, or an eating disorder, etc. I know they get 'it'. I just don't know what 'it' is anymore.

It's just hard to imagine hope at the moment. About a year ago, I thought it was there. I thought I'd found my 'hope'. But now I'm just becoming cynical. And I see that I am. And I sit here most nights, unable to stop thinking about the various things that have occurred in such a short time span.

The irony is, because of my eating disorder... I look a lot different now. Everyone acts as though they expect me to be happier. And I guess I accidentally give off the impression that I am. But I'm not. I'm more depressed now than I have ever been in my entire life. I'm sorry. I'm rambling. I just never thought I'd get this far.

And I hope that I find something that works for me like you did. I really, really do. Right now, I think the best thing for me is just having someone to talk to. I tried the med thing. It wasn't that they didn't work, per se. It just didn't cure my loneliness. I'd still find myself wondering when that dark shadow I came to call 'loneliness' would stop following me.

I really have no idea why I'm typing so much right now. I thought today was better, but at night, everything starts to hit me again.

Thank you, Alison. I'm not sure how I envision recovery, to be honest. It's hard to imagine a life without the self harm, without the depression, without the binge eating, or the restriction, or the social isolation. As a psych major, I know that's the depression talking. But when one reaches this point... well, logic has no place here.

I'll keep on talking. I haven't been much for PMs as of late, but I'll keep on talking here. Because at the moment, it's probably the only thing keeping me relatively sane. I have become... so afraid. I'm not even sure what I'm afraid of anymore.
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Unread 05-04-2014, 10:26 AM   #8
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Well in one sense it doesn't really matter what "it" is. It is how are you going to treat "it".
There is a saying in AA "That it doesn't matter how the donkey got in the ditch it's how are you gonna get him out." I always hated that saying but there is a lot of validity to it.

Meds can help but they are only a part of the answer. Meds are not going to cure you. Maybe there is no "cure". It can be treated though. Professional help is very important. A support network in very important. These forums count as part of that. Meds and therapy and a whole host of other things can help.

Even though I am doing so well right now, I am by no means cured. I have had to learn to accept and manage my disease what ever that means to me and I am still trying to figure that out. The depression will most likely return. It has my whole life. But I can live with it and even mind meaning and purpose in life. In future depressions I will lose all hope and not see the point. that is what depression does. There is nothing rational about any of this. I get hit with depression and anxiety for absolutely no reason at all. Every thing can be going great. A switch gets flipped.
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Recovering Alcoholic and Addict
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Unread 05-04-2014, 12:40 PM   #9
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I both like and hate that expression. My mom has said it a few times. She was in AA for some time. I suppose that's probably where she heard it. As much as I don't like it, I do admit that there is some validity in it.

I know professional help is important. Logically, I've known that all along. I was speaking to a therapist. The appointments were few and far between, but they helped. I guess, after he retired and I haven't yet heard back about whether I've been set up with a new one... I guess that's when I begun to lose 'hope' again.

I don't mind if the depression returns every now and then. I've accepted that it may always do that, that it may be a part of my life even when I reach recovery. I just want to find meaning and purpose. Depression is far from rational... and anxiety definitely isn't rational (and has been hitting me more and more, I used to not understand what anxiety 'really' was... until I was pacing my bedroom one night, begging my mind to stop).

It seems so... hopeless right now. I have always been one to attempt to find the logic in everything. And that's what has made this so hard for me. Because I can't find any logic in depression. I guess... it just is.
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