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Unread 12-15-2013, 12:04 PM   #1
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Unhappy Depression and Music

It seems that lately I cannot listen to any music I used to enjoy. It makes me cry for when I was younger and not depressed and when my mother was alive and when I felt and looked better. Even when I don't listen to the music, it plays inside my mind and won't shut off. It's like a broken record and I wan't to scream sometimes but when I feel like that and I am at work or in public I have to really hold it in because if I lose it, I lose everything, my job, my apt, and my livelihood. I don't have anyone to care for me. I get really insecure about life as well.

I used to like sleeping but that doesn't help anymore. Tomorrow I see my psych doctor and I have told him so many times how bad things feel to me. There doesn't seem to be a med that can shut off the dark moods I have and the longing I have for my youth and when I was in love.

I have been on so many meds, I can't think of one I haven't tried. I don't want to be on any kind of psychotropics (like Serequel). I want a type of medication that will either numb the depression altogether or replace it with happy stuff (even if it's fake). I have been unhappy for such a long time. I am talking over 3 decades. All of my adult life pretty much. I can't change my circumstances and those circumstances play heavily into why I am depressed. So it's really situational depression. From what I read about it, situational depression only lasts until the situation is either rectified or if the person sees the situation in a clearer light. Not so with me. I cannot accept the situation I am in and never have. And I cannot change it. I cannot just "become someone else" and be a person who has family that loves them and a mate which are the 2 facets I don't have and never will have and know this and the hopelessness compounded and the fact that I am almost 57 and have been alone for 27 years all piles up and the music plays and I want to just "scream out of my head".

I don't enjoy anything and there is nothing to enjoy. Going to the beach (which I loved as a child) I no longer see as fun. Going to Disneyland is more of a chore of walking around being tired holding kids hands. I don't enjoy going to the movies. I don't enjoy movies or even comedy anymore. I used to love sitcoms.

My friends and family don't get me and they don't understand me and I reach out in my own way silently crying out for help but no ears pick up on it. My doctor doesn't really offer much help. One doctor told me a long time ago that there is no happy pill. That's what I need. Not to get high or anything but a "think pill" one that makes you "think" you are happy and your mind doesn't know the difference. I will take fake happy over this anyday. I have considered ECT (electro convulsive therapy) but I asked my doctor if it would make me forget how to do my job and he said it could. So I guess I can't have that until I retire which I cannot afford to do.

I work full time and I have these episodes every day at work. I tear up while working but nobody has seen me which is a relief. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight and I know this. Bottom line is that the only thing that would help would be if I woke up and all of these past 30 some years was a bad dream and I am back in June 1973; 16 again and all of this other stuff is just a nightmare I had.
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Dx: OCD, Depression, Anxiety, ADHD
Meds:
Luvox 100mg (2 in am/2 in pm)
Buspar 30 mg/twice daily
Wellbutrin (Buprop 24 XL) 300 mg 1 daily
Vyvanse 60 mg 1 daily,
Ambien 1/4 of 10 mg tablet at night.

Other meds I have taken in the past:
Imipromine - Dazed, urinary tract pain, Prozac - Intensified OCD symptoms, Paxil - Made me angry and antisocial, Zoloft - Diarrhea, Effexor - Spaced out and feeling in a fog, Ambilify - Made me aggressive and angry, Lamictal - Made me angry
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Unread 12-15-2013, 02:16 PM   #2
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Default Re: Depression and Music

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Unread 12-15-2013, 04:45 PM   #3
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Default Re: Depression and Music

Quote:
Originally Posted by LymaBeane View Post
My friends and family don't get me and they don't understand me and I reach out in my own way silently crying out for help but no ears pick up on it.
Wishing you one moment from one sitcom or a few notes from any music to bring you a smile.
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Unread 12-15-2013, 05:02 PM   #4
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Default Re: Depression and Music

Quote:
Originally Posted by LymaBeane View Post
It seems that lately I cannot listen to any music I used to enjoy. It makes me cry for when I was younger and not depressed and when my mother was alive and when I felt and looked better. Even when I don't listen to the music, it plays inside my mind and won't shut off. It's like a broken record and I wan't to scream sometimes but when I feel like that and I am at work or in public I have to really hold it in because if I lose it, I lose everything, my job, my apt, and my livelihood. I don't have anyone to care for me. I get really insecure about life as well.

I used to like sleeping but that doesn't help anymore. Tomorrow I see my psych doctor and I have told him so many times how bad things feel to me. There doesn't seem to be a med that can shut off the dark moods I have and the longing I have for my youth and when I was in love.

I have been on so many meds, I can't think of one I haven't tried. I don't want to be on any kind of psychotropics (like Serequel). I want a type of medication that will either numb the depression altogether or replace it with happy stuff (even if it's fake). I have been unhappy for such a long time. I am talking over 3 decades. All of my adult life pretty much. I can't change my circumstances and those circumstances play heavily into why I am depressed. So it's really situational depression. From what I read about it, situational depression only lasts until the situation is either rectified or if the person sees the situation in a clearer light. Not so with me. I cannot accept the situation I am in and never have. And I cannot change it. I cannot just "become someone else" and be a person who has family that loves them and a mate which are the 2 facets I don't have and never will have and know this and the hopelessness compounded and the fact that I am almost 57 and have been alone for 27 years all piles up and the music plays and I want to just "scream out of my head".

I don't enjoy anything and there is nothing to enjoy. Going to the beach (which I loved as a child) I no longer see as fun. Going to Disneyland is more of a chore of walking around being tired holding kids hands. I don't enjoy going to the movies. I don't enjoy movies or even comedy anymore. I used to love sitcoms.

My friends and family don't get me and they don't understand me and I reach out in my own way silently crying out for help but no ears pick up on it. My doctor doesn't really offer much help. One doctor told me a long time ago that there is no happy pill. That's what I need. Not to get high or anything but a "think pill" one that makes you "think" you are happy and your mind doesn't know the difference. I will take fake happy over this anyday. I have considered ECT (electro convulsive therapy) but I asked my doctor if it would make me forget how to do my job and he said it could. So I guess I can't have that until I retire which I cannot afford to do.

I work full time and I have these episodes every day at work. I tear up while working but nobody has seen me which is a relief. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight and I know this. Bottom line is that the only thing that would help would be if I woke up and all of these past 30 some years was a bad dream and I am back in June 1973; 16 again and all of this other stuff is just a nightmare I had.
Dear Lyma! Bless you! I think nobody knows how hard we work at our lives. I have to feel that my doctors like me and expect my improvement. I am just barely old enough to be your mom. I am clear off meds. I got very very angry in the last few days over my situation. I feel I am being trashed in HUD housing by an arrogant faceless corporation and lower echelon leadership that is probably trying to cover everything over.

My high school class of '59 is having its 55th reunion in May. Huge class -- over 700! They sent me a list of the dead or missing. It's almost 400. When I saw the list of people they know are deceased, oh, gee! I can't say "I can't go -- I'm too fat!" I have to say "I'll go -- I'm alive!!!" When my own family trashed me, I turned to volunteering in wildlife rehab. When you put an eye-dropper of special green glop in the gaping beak of a nestling, you're working for God! The little creature doesn't know who you are or if you got your eyeliner on this morning! It so wants to live! Cleaning the bear house is quite a workout and the required long-sleeved shirts can be flattering. But it's not about that anymore. . . . As an "older" lady, I think I can still be a "happening chick" in my own way. I can talk to men of any age. They can tell who was absolutely gorgeous 50 years ago. We have to base our contentment on something else, however. Your beauty depends on your good health, good mind, interesting and useful life. You are smart, responsible, interesting, many-faceted -- and you wear interesting clothes, etc. I was rather a bimbo back then. Let's not wish it back! I'm sorry that I didn't know how beautiful I really was and many people were jealous. But this is now. . . . Like you, I am also frightened that I'll completely flip out and be carried away. I have to be an actress to go check mail or do laundry. I'm surrounded by people who hate me, are stupid and/or hard of hearing. You may notice that with lots of folks, it's all about them! They may be so self-absorbed that they don't see your problem! You don't have to be pretty or have smooth skin; just be kind and loving. Try to smile. People you love may be ugly but you don't see it that way? And I hope you get good help. :love :
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Unread 12-15-2013, 05:06 PM   #5
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Default Re: Depression and Music

I would ask your doctor to reevaluate your medications. There is the possibility of interactions there. If he is puzzled by the fact you are showing no movement toward getting better, find a new doctor.
Are you sure of your diagnosis?
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Unread 12-16-2013, 11:07 AM   #6
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Question Re: Depression and Music

Quote:
Originally Posted by Introvert433 View Post
I would ask your doctor to reevaluate your medications. There is the possibility of interactions there. If he is puzzled by the fact you are showing no movement toward getting better, find a new doctor.
Are you sure of your diagnosis?
I only know what I have been told by several doctors over the years. I have been seriously depressed for many years. I was diagnosed with ADHD by my current doctor. I have had OCD since I was 10. I didn't know that it was OCD at the time of course. It was something hard to deal with, I don't drive a car because of it. In 1982 and 2001 I flipped out because of it. The second time was when I finally decided to get help. I am taking Luvox which is a sanity saver for me otherwise I would not be able to do anything. I was always afraid I would harm others (long long story). Anyway I have that part under control with Luvox.

I am not sure what you mean about diagnosis or which one. My mother suffered depression which at the time I didn't understand because I was so young.
__________________
Dx: OCD, Depression, Anxiety, ADHD
Meds:
Luvox 100mg (2 in am/2 in pm)
Buspar 30 mg/twice daily
Wellbutrin (Buprop 24 XL) 300 mg 1 daily
Vyvanse 60 mg 1 daily,
Ambien 1/4 of 10 mg tablet at night.

Other meds I have taken in the past:
Imipromine - Dazed, urinary tract pain, Prozac - Intensified OCD symptoms, Paxil - Made me angry and antisocial, Zoloft - Diarrhea, Effexor - Spaced out and feeling in a fog, Ambilify - Made me aggressive and angry, Lamictal - Made me angry
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