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Unread 06-20-2013, 06:25 PM   #1
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Unhappy Fear over wedding

My own wedding. I am so depressed over the fact that I have to worry about whether I will have presence of mind on my wedding day, about whether I'll even feel like I'm there. I'm starting to dread it. It feels unreal, and like it's not mine. I have major depression, general and social anxiety that debilitates my every day...The stress of planning isn't something I can deal with, I've sluffed most to my fiance, and I'm worrying that I'm just making the quickest decisions to get it over with, even if it's not something I really want. I'm not a spoiled or entitled person, but I know this day is supposed to be special. I want to enjoy my own wedding... The fact I need to ask my psych next week about whether I should take some type of medication to have a good time on my wedding or even just get through it breaks my heart. I want to remember sharing that day with my husband with total joy, and I can't even see a future where that's probable, just one where I ruin it for him and me. I'm dreading it, and my depression is starting to make me think I don't want one, that I should have just gone to the courthouse and continued life as horribly normal. I am in tears over it now and nearly every day. I feel like I am being cheated...This is not how I saw my life going, and not how I thought being engaged would feel like.
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Unread 06-20-2013, 09:29 PM   #2
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Default Re: Fear over wedding

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redsoft View Post
The stress of planning isn't something I can deal with...
Planning a wedding. Planning your own wedding.
Wedding planning drives perfectly functional people to the edge.

I went to a wedding (not my own) a while ago, and I went armed with extra meds and everything else I could think of to help me through it. May you find the strength to tell your psych what you are experiencing and what you fear.
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Unread 06-21-2013, 07:14 PM   #3
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Default Re: Fear over wedding

Thanks for replying, Rohag.

It really sucks - the last few days have been particularly disturbing, like...I've been having different symptoms from my stuff other than depression, probably because of feeling so on the edge. I was "this close" to going to ER.

My fiance asked if I had some Klonopin left over from a period of time earlier this year where I was having a bad time of keeping my mood regulated and getting restful sleep. Poor guy was at wits' end, I know it. Since they were only for a period in between meds (about a week or two), I still had some. Being they're addictive, my psych stated during the original visit in which he prescribed that he was only going to give me one rx. I figured, sure, makes sense; but, when the time came, I was disappointed to stop taking them when I started my new med (mail order), as it has been the only thing that really makes me feel calm, like my old self from 10+ years ago...The last few days I've been out of control in the evenings, it was the only thing that brought be back from the edge, too.

I'm sick as hell of taking medications, and certainly don't want an addictive one, so it's just so frustrating that the one med that I can recall ever helping me feel significantly better is extremely so. That's the last thing by body needs. The one side effect for me is memory - it will make me forget significant blocks of time. I would only take it at home, at night, because of this. So that's out for my wedding - I WOULD like to remember it.

So yeah, now I have to have the courage to ask for a new med for my **** wedding day, and maybe the permission to have another Klonopin rx, for use situationally.

I'm just hoping something gives soon - don't I deserve to enjoy my own wedding? I was hoping that since life has been doling out so much other **** lately that my engagement would be one of those little oasis moments life gives you after a bad time, if even briefly, but not so. I think of my wedding, my tremors get worse, my stomach flips, my anxiety level spikes, and then depression comes rolling in. And on and on.
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