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Unread 05-04-2013, 10:41 AM   #1
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Default Iam sorry

Iam sick of me being all me mememmemem..but well

Theres one guy that used to wrote a lot in the past, he never replied me never not even once but i kept wrote him, i dont know why i kept wrrote him to show that i care about him,and to show him that theres hope and maybe to show him not a cruel world , i think i did it for me not for him , he and me have simmilarity he have cerebral palsy and all of his experiences in life ( i know this from his posts) feel like what iam going through, when i came accross his posts i was said to myself i dont want to be like him bitter, cynical and sad , this life has made him a very bitter person, and i remember i really dont want to ended up like him and i hjope pray and wish that i would never be like that but years goes by and my fears become reality ..i found my self bitter maybe more bitter than i fear i would be and i really dont know what to do to.

Iam not saying that i dont have friends, coz even not much i do have a few close friends, we might dont see each other as much a nymore but we still call each other sometimes, we both been friends since in uni and after uni we lives very far away from each other, all my best friends know what happened to me, my depression , my suicidal battle and the discrimination toward me but as hopeless as me theres not much they can do to help me, so we were reunited few days back and we ha da great times, they all are commented on my lookand said i look a lot skinnier and we talked about it, it broke my heart seeing people feel so sad about me because theres nothing they can do to help me, i feel guilty for making them cries , i still remember one of my friends keep saying" why you..why this all happened to you, why did you do to deserved all of this ", i ts so sad that i make them sad, its not that i dont want to have a happy life like everyone else its just i cant , even my psychiatrist cant help me , she feel sorry and symphatized about my situation but theres nothing much that she can do ..i really like her and we both had a very gooid relations but i stopped seeing her coz we both know iam not gonna get any better with an environment iam at now.

since last month i stayed at my brother, and went for interview and i finally got a job , i havent sign my acceptance letter and its been a month, i feel like iam not ready to back to work again and iam not excited about my job and i dont know why but i do need money so maybe if iam still here i will take this job ,this job its like my always a dream job , being a teacher at kindergarten , work with kids and special needs kids and i dont know why iam not excited, all the people on this school being nothing but soooo nice to me

lately i think about my life again, and i think i dont get it as bad as some people, i got a job again and will be on my own again and i should at least feel fine but i dont know why iam still feel depressed and i still want to die, lately i think about ending my life a lot (i wont do it now dont worry) and i feel like its okay to do so coz theres nothing that keep me here, i meant my friends might miss me but they would understand why and my sister too i think she would understand why,me and my sister talk about death a lot and she do know that i want to die, she even once asked me where i want to be burried when i die? she might still young but she seems understand a lot what iam going through even when i never tell her the whole story ... she wrote a script for school plays and i feel like it was about me , and there was a time she telling me that sometimes she felt like its her fault that i get hurts ,she said maybe it was her karma and i got that karma because of her , i told her there was no such thing and it wasnt her fault

Iam sorry for the way iam , iam sorry for not getting any better , iam sorry for still here iam so sorry for every pain that i cause to all people around me iam sorry my life is sad ...iam so sorry
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Unread 05-04-2013, 11:08 AM   #2
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Default Re: Iam sorry

hi puffyprue, there is no reason for you to apologize for anything. You know that becoming depressed and hopeless can happen to virtually anyone. Don't be angry at yourself for not feeling excited about the job opportunity. You probably have your doubts if you can handle it..anyone would. It is especially difficult to feel any excitement and see the positive aspects of things when you are depressed. If you can do it, try the job and in case it becomes too much to handle, you have given it a try. You never know how things might develop for you. You might inspire the kids at work, meet a new friend at work, find hope in what you do..who knows what you will feel once you start the job. No matter how you decide, obtaining the job is definitely something to be proud of. I'm hoping step by step things will get better for you.
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Unread 05-04-2013, 11:12 AM   #3
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You are a wonderful person, Puffyprue. I wish goodness would protect a person from bad and sorrow, but it doesn't. Your sharing is always welcome.

((((((( Puffyprue! )))))))
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Unread 05-04-2013, 11:56 AM   #4
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Thank you for have a hope on me Chocmouse, i was reading my diary , messages and emails from an old times and i realized how bitter i become, i was so hopeful well maybe after years and years dealing with some shits and its never get any better i just dont believe theres any hope for me but maybe just maybe ...thanks anyway

I was all sad and cant seems to stop crying since last night and my head hurts and i thought maybe write it would help me Rohag,i wasnt expecting any sympathy or anything i just want to stop crying and hoping all this sadness will ease a little maybe ..thats all
as crazy as it might sounds i now even feel sorry for posting here coz i might take people times to read this and ect ....now i realized when you are depressed its so cloudy that your brain even start to became irrational
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Unread 05-04-2013, 12:39 PM   #5
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Default Re: Iam sorry

This might be another long post by me. Im sorry for that Puffy.

First, its ok if its about you once in awhile, or as often as you need it to be.

Im sorry, its sad your friend became bitter but I congrulate you for not wanting to become that way yourself. You've fought a good fight. Bitterness invades the depressed because there is so much disappointment connected to our view of our lives. We can feel we've been given a rotten deal and its really difficult seeing through the haze.

I think what maybe happens when we turn more mature in age is that we become aware of what things are winding down to. Someone who isolates and functions fine for all their working years is suddenly alone when they get past 60 or 70 and it can awaken someone to find they have no friends around. I think this awareness happens in stages if we pay attention. You're saying that you're aware of time passing and you're thinking about preparing for your future and you're questioning your current place.



i dont know why iam still feel depressed and i still want to die, lately i think about ending my life a lot (i wont do it now dont worry) and i feel like its okay to do so coz theres nothing that keep me here, i meant my friends might miss me but they would understand why and my sister too i think she would understand why,me and my sister talk about death a lot and she do know that i want to die, she even once asked me where i want to be burried when i die? she might still young but she seems understand a lot what iam going through even when i never tell her the whole story

You love your sister right? She loves you also, doesnt she? To write a play that includes some of what you share together is cool and tells what a good heart she has and how much you matter to her. Bu she is young and missing enough information to discourage you wanting to give up if she hasnt.

I am your friend and I can understand you are having a difficult time with several things but I strongly discourage you from wishing to end your life or feel empty about it all.

I know you're load isnt easy and you make the point that many have it harder which is true. You still matter.

Depression clouds our thinking Puffy. Do you think you should give more time before you start work? Or do you think working will help you clear your mind? Being busy, filling needs for others might make you feel purpose in your life. Do you think that will fulfill you completely? I bet there will still be other things you need to find fulfillment over. Would working resolve at least one of them so you can have a chance to work out the others?
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Unread 05-04-2013, 12:59 PM   #6
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Unread 05-04-2013, 01:05 PM   #7
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Default Re: Iam sorry

No need to be sorry, iam grateful you spent time to wrote your replis i really do .

right now i really doesnt know the answer to all of your question, this is not my first time dealing with depression, i know ive been here before manytimes in and out and its feel like no end struggles, i had a job that i like before and yet i was still depressed, maybe i drowned my self to my job to escape from my depression but then i feel worn out and fell more down ...

I do love my sister , maybe she and my doodgy its all what matter in my life, she wrote a script about a girl who killed herself because she no longer cant cope with her disability ...so it wasnt about a good thing , it feel like she is saying that if someday i kill myself she would understand why and she will be okay
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Unread 05-04-2013, 04:22 PM   #8
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((Puffy))))) Im sorry to say imo there's is no beauty in killing oneself. It wouldnt be ok if you did
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Unread 05-04-2013, 05:16 PM   #9
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Default Re: Iam sorry

hi puffy, i am so sorry you are feeling so depressed. you have been such a sweet, caring friend to me and i hate to see you so unhappy. i know you feel bitter right now but hopefully one day some much-deserved happiness and peace will fill that space.

congratulations on getting your dream job! it must be scary though to face such a new situation. perhaps that is the reason why you are not more excited? when i first got my job i was dreading having to face other people, having to hide how i was truly feeling but it's been six months now and i must say i feel much better. when i was stuck at home all my energies were spent on beating myself up and being miserable. with my new responsibilities, it has pulled me somewhat, if not totally, out of my old pit of despair. my sister had told me that that would happen and i did not believe her but i was wrong. i hope something positive like that will also happen for you. just give it a try and see how things go. if you love children so much i think being around them will help heal your heart a bit. you will be sharing the compassionate soul that you are with little ones who need someone like that so much. it sounds like a wonderful match! i am not sure if there is another reason that is holding you back but if not, i hope you will sign those papers!!
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Unread 05-05-2013, 08:39 AM   #10
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Hi terry been wanting to tell you about the job but i thought i'll tell u when its official

I dont know if i can overcome my bitterness..feel like its not gonna happen or maybe this depression talking not sure..but i feel like nothing gonna ever change in my life, not sure why iam not all excited about the job maybe its because my walking has been getting significantly worse or its because my depression either way it is depressing …the more i think about the job the more it making me sick.....like really sick and i feel like iam about to running away and never show up

i feel like if people destined to live at least they should have desire to live, i feel like nothing but a letdown to everyone
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