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Unread 03-24-2013, 03:17 AM   #1
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Default i feel like the air is crushing me

I feel like I am literally being crushed by the air I am trying to breathe. I can barely scrape up enough energy to get out of bed but I do because my son depends on me. I get to work and I am barely able to do anything. I had the students watch a documentary this whole week because I did not feel able to teach. I made some excuse like we would discuss it but we will mot. I will have them do written questions. At least I got my lesson plans done this week. I wish I were a better teacher.

I want to cry all day but no tears come. I bought my first pack of cigarettes in five years. A ssmall vice at this point. My husband snapped at me again today. He loves me and he tries to be supportive but he can't understand where his wife went. He can't understand why j am so nasty to him all the time. And he is sick of it. He says I need to stop this crap now. K said it's not that easy. He says you did it before. I say that was before. What's different? What is hitting me like this?

He must be right. I must be choosing this for myself. I did before. I thought I had to be crazy and sick because I didn't know what else I could be. I thought I would dissolve into nothing without my illness as my identity. But he showed me another way. I recovered with hisbjelp and the help of the women's trauma program. I know I don't have to be sick to be loved. So why can't I stop this. Why won't it go away. I don't know how much moreI can deal with

I would never kill myself now, ever. I could not do that to my son. I could not let him know I abandoned him. I promised him what happened to me would NOT happen to him. Mommy will always be there. But what good am I like this? It's horrible having a mentally ill.mother. I know. I know what it does to you.

If I did it it would be a car accident so it would not seem intentional. I wouldn't do it though.

I can't take the images. The images of hurting myself that follow me throughout my day. I acted opposite today - I wanted to lay on the couch but I went out with my family instead. When we came back I cleaned everything and did laundry. But I couldn't continue in the evening. I got too tired. I went to sleep at eight. Now I am up at four. I tried so hard to stop my head through activity but that only helps if you can keep it going.

I have a psych appt but not for a month. I don't see the therapist again until Apr 3. I want to.live until then. I don't know if I can. I think I am going to see my regular doctor and hope she will prescribe me something. Anything to make this stop.

Spring break is soon and I fear for so much time alone. Sucks I don't have any other teacher friends. Everyone else has to work.
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Unread 03-24-2013, 03:36 AM   #2
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Default Re: i feel like the air is crushing me

Hello Wildflower, I'm so sorry to hear that you are feeling so down . I'm reading this and I got a fright because I thought it was me that wrote it. I have 3 kids 13,and 6 and they are great. I also have a great husband but like you he said to me the other day that he was sick of my s**t. He later said he was sorry but I couldnt blame him. Most days I'm on the couch to tired to get up. It's a daunting task that we put up with. You have to think of the positives in your life. You have a good husband and a child and it must be very difficult seeing you like that. I know my husband says its tearing him up inside looking at me like this. I think of suicide a lot but the pdoc said to me when you feel like that just distract yourself. If your boy is in bed look at him and think what it would do to him if you hurt yourself. He would probably blame himself and you dont want him in therapy the rest of his life. We have so much in common me and you. Another good idea is when you see your pdoc next after your session ask pdoc to talk to your husband about your illness, it made such a difference to my husband. I dont mean to depress you, thats not what Im about. You can pm me any time you like. Theres somebody listening to you. Best wishes.
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Unread 03-24-2013, 03:44 AM   #3
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Default Re: i feel like the air is crushing me

Sorry you are not feeling well, wildflowerchild. Might you have a cold coming on? or asthma? Just wondering. When the humidity is too dry or too wet I often feel more emotional and like I can't breathe. Feels like an elephant sitting on my chest. its exhausting and depressing when that happens. maybe get that checked?
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Unread 03-24-2013, 06:41 AM   #4
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Default Re: i feel like the air is crushing me

Thank you pierro. As i said i would never ever kill myself now. All i do is think of my funeral and how upset my son (only 2) would be when he saw me in the open casket but i didn't come home with him. I know it would crush him and he would have they same problems I did as a child and i want anything but that for him.

I'm just becoming unable to control it anymore, is the problem. I absolutely don't want to die or hurt myself but my impulse control is becoming weaker. That is why I am concerned.

As for the illness i think i am definitely going to my physician and have her rule out anything physical.
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Unread 03-24-2013, 07:42 AM   #5
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Default Re: i feel like the air is crushing me

I remembered when I was my most depressed. It lasted forever, until I could talk the doc into giving me a new med.

I was physically wiped out. It hurt my back lying in bed so I got up and sat on a chair. Then I sat there all day until bedtime. For about three years. It hurt almost to breathe because I was so tired. I couldn't stand up to cook because that hurt because I was so tired. I had no big responsibilities but even if I had had, I could not push myself any harder. I pushed as hard as I could. The days that just passed were the best even if I never did anything. The others was just mental agony. I wondered why I did this day after day after day.

My therapist told me I WANTED TO FEEL LIKE THIS. And that I had chosen it.

What would the other choice really be? To smile and run around and really whip myself mentally (and punish myself physically) if I had no energy to do it all? I guess that could be a choice. But what hellish choice IS that???????

The choice between being deeply, deeply depressed and dancing and joyful and doing everything with ease DOES NOT EXIST.

I came back to life because of my supportive, NON JUDGMENTAL friend, and meds. I was sick. I could not have thought myself happy. Some days I dared not go out because I didn't remember how to get home anymore, but exercise is good for you you know....... When I tried 5 minutes of painful walking every day (tired so tired so tired) my therapist said that was ridiculous and I should start at 30 min a day and that is just a start..... But when you can't remember where you live and you cannot pay bills because you don't understand time and numbers anymore, how the heck can you think yourself better?

One thing I learned was.... my friend offered good support... my therapist tried to kill me.

NO ONE wants to be deeply depressed. That is just something they trick us to believe.
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In my naivety I ran I fell and lost my way
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I was unwanted in a world that with my hands I helped build where once was honesty and pride
I now stand broken and alone
Just a shadow of what I was meant to be
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