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Unread 03-09-2013, 08:35 AM   #1
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Trig Scary Depressive Episode

Its hard for me to admit that I have depression, though I have been diagnosed as having mild depression, but being good at masking my symptoms. My mother has severe depression and has often been not the best mother to me due to it. She even went as far to attempt suicide as I was visiting over Christmas and blamed me for it. I hate to think I would have anything in common with her that would make me act like that.

I've been in a bit of a funk this week due to losing one of my jobs, not being able to get funding for academic trips, and being friendzoned by a romantic interest. Its also hard because I feel unable to bond with or like most people. Last night was just awful.

I finally gathered enough courage to read some heavy poetry at a reading last night. Almost no one was there, though. I had a hard time reading because I was so nervous and shaking my papers. I bought a beer for my crush and he forgot that we joked that I would surprise him with one when we had dinner a couple of weeks ago. Its hard watching him bond with others with I want to bond with him and there's no one else.

My friends and I were walking to a party afterwards and I started crying. They cared enough to ask what was up, but no one could be bothered to suggest going home and talking. It hurts, because I always stay with them when they are sad, even if there are other things happening. At the party, I was so disinterested in everyone and so over the stupid party scene. I knew that no one knew would talk to me because when you're sad, you give an unapproachable vibe.

I went home and bawled for hours. Fortunately, I have a wonderful, understanding friend who talked me through it via text. I cried and cried and drank by myself. I can't say that this is an unusual occurrence. I even smoked in my room because I couldn't be bothered to leave it. When I ran out of booze, I laid in bed until I finally fell asleep. I could hear my roommates come home, laugh, and have sex. I cried because I was sad that I'm not able to do the same.

After a night of vivid dreams, I'm up. I have a friend visiting from GR and a huge paper to write. I have no motivation for either. I hate that I'm so lonely here. I've never been so lonely in my life. I feel like my university and my future are friends that betrayed me.

I don't know how to make friends. I don't know how to get better. I don't know what to do. I can't help but wonder if there is a more severe mental illness going on in my head. Help =[
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Unread 03-09-2013, 08:40 AM   #2
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Default Re: Scary Depressive Episode

I suppose that I should mention that I feel numb and half alive right now. When I think of certain things, something in me "shifts" and I feel completely empty.
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Unread 03-09-2013, 12:19 PM   #3
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Default Re: Scary Depressive Episode

Hello. I'm sorry you feel this way. I can relate to a lot of what you've written. First of all, don't worry yourself further by wondering if there is some unknown mental illness going on in your head. That will only make you feel worse. You are depressed. You have been diagnosed as depressed. Leave it at that for now. If a doctor diagnoses you with something else some day, so be it, but do not start driving yourself further crazy by wondering what else is "wrong" with you.

Speaking from my own experience, and I am not saying that this is definitely what is going on with you, but I think that much of my sadness and loneliness comes from a feeling of not really liking myself. When I am not comfortable with myself, I can't expect others to be comfortable with me. It's like you said when you went to the party you know that nobody wants to talk with a sad person. It's good that you had a friend who encouraged you through your sadness via text. I think that you got sad about bonding with your crush because he was not focusing solely on you. This is another problem that I have had in the past. It is very draining on relationships. You want the sole attention of that person. I know how that feels. In my case, I was so insecure that if I was not getting my boyfriend's full attention I would imagine that he didn't love me, that I wasn't worth his attention, that nobody liked me, etc., etc., until the thoughts spiraled out of control. Then it would leave me depressed.

I can also relate to the feelings of worrying of ending up like your parent. It is scary when you see similar traits in yourself as you have seen in them. To cope with this I've been trying to remind myself of my parents good traits, what I do like about them, and what is good about them. And I try to see these things in myself rather than the bad things. And also remember that no matter what, you are your own person. You are not doomed to being exactly like them, or failing in the same ways they have.

Obviously your mother should not have blamed you for her troubles. And you are not to blame. It is hard enough coping with your own feelings, but then to be made to feel responsible for another's is only more difficult. Don't blame yourself. You can only be responsible for your own feelings.

Good luck.
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Unread 03-09-2013, 03:01 PM   #4
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Default Re: Scary Depressive Episode

Although depression seems to run in families, it doesn't mean that you are doomed to suffer the same fate. There are different types of emotional illness, and many of them have a depressive component to them. Going to a therapist might help you sort your feelings out.

That is pretty bold and also inappropriate for your roomate to be engaged in sexual intercourse with you in the room. Eventually, you will find someone who is right for you.

You are one up on me! I wouldn't have the guts to read anthing on stage in front of people I don't know, or even people I knew somewhat. You may have felt flustered and embarrassed, but you were able to push past that and read to others despite your discomfort.

Its great that you have friends. An awful lot of people just don't know what to do when they are confronted by depression. Your friends may have been at a loss as to what they should say or do. Our society is still uncomfortable dealing with another person who is depressed. I liken that to someone in a wheel chair or on oxygen that they have to carry around. Obviously people notice, but no one wants to ask what is wrong or talk about it. We are taught as children not to stare or ask people why they are in the wheel chair. Instead, we feel that acknowledging the disability is rude and we don't want to make the person uncomfortable by asking. We are also taught to stay away from people who are acting "funny". While that may be good advice for a child for safety reasons, as adults reaching out to a friend who is in emotional pain is what we should do.

As you do have friends, they might be receptive to your asking if they would come home with you and just sit with you and talk. That opens the door for them, tells them what you need and doesn't make them feel like they are infringing on your privacy.

If you are not already in therapy, it would be a good idea. If nothing else, it might make you feel better to talk about things that are bothering you, sort through those things and help you come up with a plan to deal with them.

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Unread 03-10-2013, 02:53 AM   #5
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Default Re: Scary Depressive Episode

Thank you both so much for your responses! I feel that I like myself for the most part, but after accidently missing the scholarship deadlines and losing my job, I'm having a lot of trouble forgiving myself. I feel like such a failure and an idiot and do not look forward to telling my father when I call him tomorrow. Granted, I was going through a ton and was incredibly busy.

I wasn't so nervous about reading, but I had been nervous in general all night. I felt very uncomfortable there. I felt incredibly embarrassed and stupid for making a flirtatious gesture that probably came off as desperate in front of an audience. I could barely hold back crying as me and my roommates were leaving. I encourage you to read, Sam2, its really freeing after the first time.

I do really REALLY appreciate the handful of close friends that I have here, but am constantly so sad that everyone has more. Its so hard for me to make friends in this town. I am supposed to have a handful of guy acquaintances (which is awesome because I rarely am able to make friends with women) over this Thursday for drinks and writing. I hope that they come and that maybe I can actually bond with some people.

I am seeing a therapist weekly. I'm growing a lot, but I am disappointed in myself for not being able to accomplish her current challenge for me: not talking to my crush. Its hard because I never have crushes and we work together and he always acts so happy to see me.

I want to quit feeling so melodramatic, but I'm hurting.
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Unread 03-10-2013, 02:58 PM   #6
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Sorry you're hurting henrydavid. I hope things improve
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