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Unread 01-19-2014, 11:00 PM   #1
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Default Rage is a monster that destroys relationships

Recovering from horrendous fight with partner, almost ending in my moving out -- was already packing, had told parents and everyone at work I was moving back. I was on the way out.
Partner and I had disagreement about a fundamental issue we don't agree about.

Still bad vibes from those couple of days, though he still wants me to stay. Culminated in violence a few days ago when I, in a rage, swept everything off of his desk, smashing his monitor, throwing my phone against the wall which broke it, knocked over the lamp, knocked stuff all over the place. It was bad.

He helped me get my phone replaced. It's been a couple days and things are calmer, but not back to normal. The damage between us was done.

I scheduled an appointment with a therapist to address the anger control issues. I know it's the bipolar, but there's a split second before the point of no return where one can make a choice to just scream and walk away, or destroy anything in one's path.

I can't believe how this can come out of me. Why anyone would stay, I don't know. Who could live with that? This is a good man, and I just hope that I don't let this monster destroy what he and I could create with each other.
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Unread 01-20-2014, 01:27 AM   #2
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Default Re: Rage is a monster that destroys relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by couldntkelpit View Post
Recovering from horrendous fight with partner, almost ending in my moving out -- was already packing, had told parents and everyone at work I was moving back. I was on the way out.
Partner and I had disagreement about a fundamental issue we don't agree about.

Still bad vibes from those couple of days, though he still wants me to stay. Culminated in violence a few days ago when I, in a rage, swept everything off of his desk, smashing his monitor, throwing my phone against the wall which broke it, knocked over the lamp, knocked stuff all over the place. It was bad.

He helped me get my phone replaced. It's been a couple days and things are calmer, but not back to normal. The damage between us was done.

I scheduled an appointment with a therapist to address the anger control issues. I know it's the bipolar, but there's a split second before the point of no return where one can make a choice to just scream and walk away, or destroy anything in one's path.


I can't believe how this can come out of me. Why anyone would stay, I don't know. Who could live with that? This is a good man, and I just hope that I don't let this monster destroy what he and I could create with each other.
I do the same thing. Getting worse. My therapist recommends I get another placebo I can remove myself periodically to get some down time. Anyone do this?
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Unread 01-20-2014, 06:26 AM   #3
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Default Re: Rage is a monster that destroys relationships

sorry this happened.

yes, i know, rage can be so devistating. i hope you figure something out
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Unread 01-20-2014, 11:03 AM   #4
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Default Re: Rage is a monster that destroys relationships

There's a 5 to 1 rule I've heard about, applied to romantic relationships. The rule is that for every one negative interaction, there should be at least five positive ones. I wonder how many negatives one of these bipolar monster smashing rage episodes counts for? It can't count as little as a disagreement about which brand of bread to buy.

How many negatives do you think one of these rages counts as? 5?
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Unread 01-20-2014, 11:23 AM   #5
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Default Re: Rage is a monster that destroys relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by couldntkelpit View Post
Recovering from horrendous fight with partner, almost ending in my moving out -- was already packing, had told parents and everyone at work I was moving back. I was on the way out.
Partner and I had disagreement about a fundamental issue we don't agree about.

Still bad vibes from those couple of days, though he still wants me to stay. Culminated in violence a few days ago when I, in a rage, swept everything off of his desk, smashing his monitor, throwing my phone against the wall which broke it, knocked over the lamp, knocked stuff all over the place. It was bad.
I'm not necessarily saying you should end the relationship, but you two at least need to take a break. What is the fundamental issue you two can't agree on?
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Unread 01-20-2014, 11:59 AM   #6
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Default Re: Rage is a monster that destroys relationships

I think the anger is one of the worst things about this struggle. It is when i am angry that I cause the most hurt and feel the guiltiest. I've screamed at my husband, thrown things at him, even hit him a few times in the past year. The last time I hit him he threatened to leave me. He's right, though - I'm committing domestic violence, even though I can't hurt him very badly due to my size. The intent to hurt him is there, and that's wrong. It is very hard for me to control my anger, especially when in an irritable state, as part of depression or hypo/mania. The farther I am into an episode the worse my impulse control is. But I do try to take deep breaths when I get angry, before I say something I can't take back or do something I will regret. It's extremely difficult and I would say I only manage to avert disaster 25% of the time but still that's better than zero.

I don't know about the negatives vs. positives rule. it doesn't sound like something i'd put stock in :-p

Do try to go to therapy. A therapist can help you figure out the best ways for you to control your anger. The best for me is to take a deep breath, then try to remove myself from the situation (not always possible for my husband is an agitator at times). When I am calm I can go back and talk about it. Good luck!
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Unread 01-20-2014, 03:01 PM   #7
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Default Re: Rage is a monster that destroys relationships

My wife and I both struggle with rage. Of course there are triggers in our relationship, but I attribute mine mainly to bipolar, ADHD, past trauma, etc... She basically attributes here just to being with me, and while I have given her LOTS to be upset about due to the bipolar, especially during the time when I was undiagnosed, I think that is a bit short sighted of her. Nevertheless, I have a very difficult time controlling my tone at all times. I am irritable in the best of times. When I feel exasperated by something she is saying about me or something, I can fly off the handle. At it's worst I fly into what I refer to as black manias where I become self destructive and destructive to things around me though not to her. I have been working with diet and I have eliminated caffeine and alcohol which has taken the top and bottom end off of my symptoms actually. So that is something you might try. Do you drink? smoke? drink a lot of caffeine? Those things for me were huge. When I eliminated them, I felt like a totally different person.

Anyhow, I feel you, and I share that sentiment, 'why would anyone stay with me'? But so far my wife is still here, and for the time being, I am not giving up...
Hope you guys strength too...
Warm wishes!
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Unread 01-20-2014, 11:05 PM   #8
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Default Re: Rage is a monster that destroys relationships

I don't have any solutions. I just want to let you know I am the same way. I get so angry I truly believe I hate my husband. I have said/done some terrible things. I feel like he is not doing everything he can to support me though. He's a good guy, with some demons of his own. He is selfish. I am selfish. Right now I need him to be strong because I am so up and down, back and forth...I can't stand myself.
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Unread 01-21-2014, 08:36 PM   #9
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Default Re: Rage is a monster that destroys relationships

I have lots of anger issues. My husband has learned to deal with it in that he calls me out on it. When I'm on my meds (now versus before) I can at least see what he's talking about and I can shut my mouth even if my inner monster is still raging at him over something that wasn't even his fault. Most of the time. Not all of the time. Meds have at least given me a fighting chance.

It's probably the one thing that bothers me most. That and the paranoia I get. Both have caused some pretty ugly moments in my marriage. Luckily, my husband is supportive and understanding and takes most of what I say when angry with a grain of salt. I know it still hurts him and I too say "why is he still with me??" but I think he's learned to filter it out so to speak.
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Unread 01-21-2014, 09:03 PM   #10
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Default Re: Rage is a monster that destroys relationships

Saw my psychiatrist today. He put me back on Latuda, which I will hope mellow me out.

Blow up was about getting married. Deal was when I moved in was that I wasn't taking it lightly and wanted to eventually get married, not just stayed shacked up indefinitely. He said we would get married in a couple of years. My 41st b-day rolls along and we've been living together a year. I figure by now, he would know if he wants to get married. It's not like we're young -- I'm 41, he's 53. His reply was that he feels pressured and that we will someday, but he has to think some more about it, etc.

I was exasperated because I was just dang tired of waiting. At this point, you either know or you don't.

So anyway, some days went by, I looked at some dating sites and saw some guys that were looking for someone to get married to. Blech. I realized it wouldn't be difficult to find someone to marry, but would be very difficult to find someone like my partner. So I gave up the marriage idea, and am just happy that I have found someone.
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