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Unread 03-01-2013, 05:33 PM   #1
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Default Why do I do this and how can I stop?

Whenever things are hard for me, I think about sui. I'm a coward; I've never attempted and I probably never will. But I think about it a lot.

Tonight, I think that I should kill myself because:

-My friends don't really care
-I'm pathetic, lazy, and never will change
-I keep thinking about it but never act; if I was really a sincere person, I'd act on my thoughts

None of that makes any sense, does it? Why am I like this? Instead of thinking about how to fix the problems in my life, I automatically think about sui.

Tonight has not been very good for me, and I don't even know why. My thoughts just sort of turned really dark, and I don't feel like they make much sense.
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Unread 03-01-2013, 05:42 PM   #2
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Default Re: Why do I do this and how can I stop?

Maybe its a habit that you automatically believe suit is the answer if something goes wrong? All you can do is identify and correct the thought.

Ill type a proper response when I get on a laptop.
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Unread 03-01-2013, 05:44 PM   #3
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Default Re: Why do I do this and how can I stop?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Secretum View Post

Tonight, I think that I should kill myself because:


-I'm pathetic, lazy, and never will change
If everybody who is pathetic and lazy commits suicide, the species will soon be extinct. Think about the preservation of the species!
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Unread 03-01-2013, 05:46 PM   #4
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Default Re: Why do I do this and how can I stop?

Haha, Hamster, even in this dark place, you got me to laugh.
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Unread 03-01-2013, 05:53 PM   #5
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Default Re: Why do I do this and how can I stop?

That is good. Laughter, the best medicine. But take the preservation of the species seriously, nothing funny about that obligation!
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Unread 03-01-2013, 05:53 PM   #6
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Default Re: Why do I do this and how can I stop?

Hi secretum

It could b a habit but its definitely an indicator that something is wrong. When u have the thought let it trip right on through ur head and keep on going. Try not to focus on the sui thought and don't nourish it. My pdoc told me it could b how the mania is manifesting itself. Ur r not a coward for not committing suicide. Quite the opposite. I think u r a strong person for not believing the thoughts!! Best of luck!!
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Unread 03-01-2013, 06:19 PM   #7
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Default Re: Why do I do this and how can I stop?

"I guess I realize that I don’t want to die. I don’t want to live either, but—there really isn’t anything in-between. Depression is about as close as you get to somewhere between dead and alive, and it’s the worst. But since the tendency toward inertia means that it’s easier for me to stay alive than die, I guess that’s how it’s going to be, so I guess I should try to be happy."
–ditto

"I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won’t.

Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark—why not kill myself? Missed the bus—better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I liked that movie—maybe I shouldn’t kill myself.

Actually, it was only part of myself I wanted to kill: the part that wanted to kill herself, that dragged me into the suicide debate and made every window, kitchen implement, and subway station a rehearsal for tragedy."
–ditto
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Unread 03-01-2013, 06:29 PM   #8
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Default Re: Why do I do this and how can I stop?

I do it too S, has to be part of the bp, hypersensitivity, catastrophic thinking. Can you challenge the thoughts and consider you just want things to be different? You don't have to find all the solutions at once, but try to break it down as to what you want to be different in your life? You want friends who show they care, you want more energy to get things done so you don't have to feel lazy and mad at yourself about it.
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Unread 03-01-2013, 06:33 PM   #9
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Trig Re: Why do I do this and how can I stop?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Secretum View Post
Whenever things are hard for me, I think about sui. I'm a coward; I've never attempted and I probably never will. But I think about it a lot.

Tonight, I think that I should kill myself because:

-My friends don't really care
-I'm pathetic, lazy, and never will change
-I keep thinking about it but never act; if I was really a sincere person, I'd act on my thoughts

None of that makes any sense, does it? Why am I like this? Instead of thinking about how to fix the problems in my life, I automatically think about sui.

Tonight has not been very good for me, and I don't even know why. My thoughts just sort of turned really dark, and I don't feel like they make much sense.
I marked this as triggering just in case.

This is my own personal opinion on this. It's only based on observations I have lived through myself.

I struggled with the suicidal thoughts issues for longer than I can remember. I do have three attempts, two as a teenager and one as a young adult. None were successful.

These thoughts, in my opinion, are part of the mis-wiring of the brain for MI. Not everyone has it, but I think it's pretty common. I know that for me, as soon as something would go bad, triggering me into depression, the suicidal thoughts would just flood in unannounced. Usually, they were just fleeting thoughts and go away. Sometimes stronger. For my 3 attempts, I had no plan, they were all sudden and rash, the first time I was not alone but the other two times I was alone, so it wasn't "attention" seeking like some people claim. But, I've also had plans before, very specific and detailed ones.

I have come up with two analogies for suicide.

The first is that suicidal thoughts are litle a little demon whispering in your ear. It's always there, waiting for you to let your guard down. It's waiting to tell you lies and make you feel worse. You constantly have to be on the lookout, because it can overwhelm you if you let it seduce you with the dark lies.

Second is that bipolar (or depression or whatever) is like a storm. Suicidal thoughts are the lightning in the storm. Sometimes they are just far away flashes. Other times, they are right over your head, crashing down around you. They are brief, temporary, and deadly... just like lightning.

You can overcome these thoughts with vigilance, but it's not easy. I have mostly gotten rid of them. I feel I have succeeded. In my bigger episodes, it might flash through my mind. But no more plans. And they don't come as often as they used to. So, I feel that I am successful in this. I also believe even though now I'm at this place mentally, I need to be careful. They could come back later if something goes wrong. So, I stay vigilent.

Remember: suicidal thoughts are a symptom of the illness, and not the illness itself.
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Unread 03-01-2013, 07:30 PM   #10
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Default Re: Why do I do this and how can I stop?

Secretum,

You are having a crush on a professor. That means that you are alive and well. It takes life force to develop a crush. You have life force in you.
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