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Unread 11-26-2012, 05:24 AM   #1
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Unhappy Daughter blames me for Everything...

My daughter and my son in law have been living with me since February when I got sick with Bronchitis. I'm also a heart patient so I cant afford to stay sick like I was. They have been paying a minimal amount of rent, less than anyone I've ever heard of, and I am on disability. They run their heater all the time, TV all the time, etc. Yesterday, when I asked her to start contributing to to the bills they have doubled, she got extremely angry, and started screaming at me. Did I mention she's an untreated bipolar with a lot of other issues? She told me the only reason I even kept my kids was because of my mother helping me out. I worked 60-70 hours a week waiting tables, and yes, my mother did help me out, because I worked, I was trying. She yelled at me about my alcoholism when I was younger (I have been sober for 12 years now), and told me if she'd had a better childhood she wouldn't have turned out the way she did. She is 23 now. I feel that at her age she should be more responsible, she can't even wake herself up at 6 am when she's supposed to get her husband up for work, I wake them up. And there are a lot of young adults who came from less than wonderful circumstances that made something of themselves. I don't feel like I should keep taking the blame for her actions. If I wanted to, I guess I could blame my father, who was told I was manic-depressive when I was about 17 or 18 and should have been medicated then, or all those things would come to pass, my drinking, drug abuse, bad relationships, etc. But what good does that do? I'm a grown woman. I made my choices. Granted, on medication, I might have made better ones, but I know I have bills to pay and there are no free rides in life, even for someone on disability. I charged her 325$ rent. My rent is $600, plus all utilities. My light bill has doubled. I really didn't think asking them to help pay what they ran up was so much to ask. And everyone I knew agreed with me and said I was letting her walk all over me. And it was true. Now she hates me, and I don't even understand it.
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Unread 11-26-2012, 06:46 AM   #2
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Default Re: Daughter blames me for Everything...

Hi Deb,
It sounds like it may be time for some "tough love". You have probably always allowed this type of behavior from your daughter, so it will be hard to stay firm. If you do allow her to stay, then it would only be fair that you pay 1/3 of the bills and they pay the other 2/3s. Be strong, and don't let her bully you anymore. Blame is not going to help any of you now; however, you are allowing her to use your emotions to get an almost free ride.
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Unread 11-26-2012, 10:33 AM   #3
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Default Re: Daughter blames me for Everything...

My honest advice? Tell her to grow up, accept responsibility for her lousy decisions and that you absolutely will not take the blame for her inability to act like a responsible adult. If she wants to throw tantrums do what I do to my kids who are five and eight. Tell her nobody forced her to make those choices and people have to pay the price for their decisions. Then tell her you will talk to her when she can talk to you in a calm and respectful manner. My other piece of advice is throw her out. She's taking advantage of you and it needs to stop. At times you have to show tough love and let them take a hard fall on to their face. The only person responsible for her decisions is HER.
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Unread 11-26-2012, 11:54 AM   #4
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YES! That ^^^^ exactly that ^^^^ which Lady Librarian so eloquently posted. I second it completely!
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Unread 11-26-2012, 02:05 PM   #5
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Default Re: Daughter blames me for Everything...

Hi Deb,
I have an 18 yr old daughter who has bp issues like me. Since her near sui at age 14, I have tiptoed around her. She is actually really sweet most of the time these days. But she is 18 now, and I keep asking her about her plans for getting a drivers license and enrolling in school or getting a job. It's getting to the point where I think she should just apply for disability or something, take some kind of responsibility for her life.

A couple years ago, I was driving her to therapy, she ripped into me yelling about every possible thing from the past. And this girl is bright, she doesn't miss a thing. She was running circles around me with her words and shredding me to pieces. Nothing I could say helped or was right. So when we got to the therapist, I asked her how am I supposed to handle all this from the past that my daughter kept bringing up. She said I should ask my daughter, "What can I do to help you right now?" So I tried that the next time the shredding began, and my daughter went quiet and said, "I don't know".

More recently, my daughter expressed to me, not harshly how hard it is for her to do things on her own, she sees all her friends had 2 parents growing up and they got more help with schoolwork, learning to drive, given cars, put into college (like you, I was working all the time and battling depression). I felt like ***** about this like horrible how can I ever fix any of this. I went to my therapist with it, and she told me to tell my daughter straight forward not judging, "You also made some choices that did not make it easy."

Can you ask them to have a house meeting with you? Say something like, "hey guys, I love you both and it's fine for you to rent the room here (unless you don't want them there). I'm realizing now looking at bills that we need to be splitting them, here I'll show you them. (electricity, phone, whatever other bills). Here is my idea of what would be fair of how to split... What do you two think?"
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Unread 11-26-2012, 03:32 PM   #6
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Default Re: Daughter blames me for Everything...

Hi Deb
You have been given some really good advice here. Grown up children are sometimes a lot harder to deal with than the young ones. You are all equal adults in the house, and should all share the bills like equal adults. Good luck.
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Unread 11-26-2012, 04:35 PM   #7
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Default Re: Daughter blames me for Everything...

Debi

Wow.... So sorry you are dealing with all this. Of course I agree with the others, Your daughter and her husband should certainly be paying to live there. She is living in YOUR home.

I don't give a rats *** what you have done in the past. She needs to grow up and get the hell over it and be responsible for her life!!

You are her Mother and you deserve respect no matter what. I seriously doubt her and her husband could find anywhere cheaper to live.

I really hope you are able to get this situation under control. You deserve to have a peaceful home. Probably time for some tough love.


Good Luck
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Unread 11-26-2012, 04:50 PM   #8
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Default Re: Daughter blames me for Everything...

I am in pretty much the exact same situation except with my 50 year old mother-in-law. The thing is, she used to be extremely responsible and worked and all of that. She has her good moments and her bad. Sometimes she is perfectly fine, then suddenly she will go off on these temper tantrums. She still has not paid her rent for November. She accuses us of "taking all of her money." Other than rent, any money she puts into the house is her decision, despite the rising cost of our bills. She wants to live with us for free and use her money for her and whatever she wants, but my dad (who owns the house,) requires we pay rent. Her rent is very reasonable and less that 30% of her income (which is what disability housing would charge.)

The issue is, she has done this multiple times and has been homeless multiple times due to trying to rely on people who don't want to take care of her, (which is why she is now living with us, and it's not easy to deal with when she has these explosions.) She wants/needs someone who can take care of her and take care of all her financial needs. She doesn't want to pay rent. Somewhere along the line she reached this mindset and like I said, sometimes she is fine and others she is like this.

My advice is if you throw her out, expect her to be homeless. Expect it. Because if she can't even deal with paying you rent and bills then she will be on the street.
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Unread 11-26-2012, 08:20 PM   #9
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Default Re: Daughter blames me for Everything...

I've had 2 grown children live with me on and off for 10 yrs. I acquired them so they had a chance to graduate high school. I had to stop bailing 1 out because she seemed to be reverting to a more and more ungrateful younger child. What happened: She had an enormously hard time, got a job she loves, a home and is thriving.

You have to let her fail and struggle. She'll start understanding where your coming from. I forgave my parents a long time ago for their behaviors. I finally understood how hard it was for them only in the past year. best of luck.
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