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Unread 05-19-2010, 05:39 AM   #11
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Default Re: Always on the verge of tears...

I have appointments for May 28 & 31. After my brother died I was doing well on the meds and when I started feeling panicky or anxious I had Xanax to get me through. I was off meds for a few months when I lost my medical insurance and then I found a new job but had to wait for the probationary period to end before I got medical benefits. The doctor I'm seeing now wanted to see how I'd do without the Xanax but on higher doses of my lamictal and welbutrin. The higher dosages doesn't seem to be helping and he said that if the increase didn't stabilize me we might have to consider adding something else.

I spent the better part of today crying. I spoke to my oldest niece (she's 33 years old) and told her some of what I was feeling and she told me that I had to be strong, that I couldn't fall apart because my daughter needed me and they (my other nieces and nephews) needed me too. Not once did she suggest that I get help or talk to someone. What she doesn't realize is that I've been falling apart for years and my daughter is the only thing holding the fragments that are left together. I think that is why God blessed me with a child after years of being told that I couldn't have any...he knew I was going to need her.

I am afraid to seek help or tell anyone the extent of my misery. I don't want to be hospitalized because I have an overwhelming and debilitating fear that I will lose my baby. That someone will decide that I'm an unfit mother and they'll take her away and I would really just lay down and die.
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Unread 05-19-2010, 05:56 AM   #12
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Default Re: Always on the verge of tears...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Changeling412 View Post
I have appointments for May 28 & 31. After my brother died I was doing well on the meds and when I started feeling panicky or anxious I had Xanax to get me through. I was off meds for a few months when I lost my medical insurance and then I found a new job but had to wait for the probationary period to end before I got medical benefits. The doctor I'm seeing now wanted to see how I'd do without the Xanax but on higher doses of my lamictal and welbutrin. The higher dosages doesn't seem to be helping and he said that if the increase didn't stabilize me we might have to consider adding something else.

I spent the better part of today crying. I spoke to my oldest niece (she's 33 years old) and told her some of what I was feeling and she told me that I had to be strong, that I couldn't fall apart because my daughter needed me and they (my other nieces and nephews) needed me too. Not once did she suggest that I get help or talk to someone. What she doesn't realize is that I've been falling apart for years and my daughter is the only thing holding the fragments that are left together. I think that is why God blessed me with a child after years of being told that I couldn't have any...he knew I was going to need her.

I am afraid to seek help or tell anyone the extent of my misery. I don't want to be hospitalized because I have an overwhelming and debilitating fear that I will lose my baby. That someone will decide that I'm an unfit mother and they'll take her away and I would really just lay down and die.

The help you need to seek, will help you be the best mother you can possible be. You might not even have to be hospitilized, maybe you just needs your meds tweaked...

I too am a mom, and understand how you feel regarding your daughter, and the fact that she is the "glue holding your pieces together", but you have to be healthy and HAPPY, you deserve it, and so does your daughter.

Please reconsider your decision to fight this battle on your own, you need all the ammunition you can get.Try to find solace in the fact that here at PC, there are people who really understand and care, and that we'll all be cheering you on and holding your hand when you need.


Best of Luck, I will be keeping you and your daughter in my prayers
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Dxd BP2 on the 04.06.2010
Dxd BPD and OCPD in 2011
Been unmedicated since 14.10.2011.


Being med-free doesn't make me irresponsible,or unstable.
It just makes me med-free
...
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Unread 05-19-2010, 06:17 AM   #13
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Default Re: Always on the verge of tears...

Changeling, it sounds like you need to phone your pdoc and get him to fit you in ASAP. If you do not have the strength to function and look after yourself, you cannot expect to be able to look after your child too. I'm very sorry your family does not understand and on top of everything even make you feel guilty for feeling down. If for no other reason than your daughter, please call the doctor.
Hospitalisation is only one of the last resorts, and even then you should not ever be ashamed. Your doc will be able to tweak your meds and help you feel better.
I have recently had my mood stabiliser increased; I'd phoned my p-doc the day before as I was so down and on the verge of being suicidal. She made a plan to see me the next day after I made it clear how bad it was, we doubled my dose.
I also have Xanax, but only use it very rarely at the moment.
Please don't consider your decision as selfish that you seek help. You really sound like you could do with the break, the understanding and the help

((((HUGS))))
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Unread 07-14-2012, 02:41 PM   #14
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Ribbon Re: Always on the verge of tears...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Changeling412 View Post
Even when I've had a good day I always feel like i'm on the verge of tears. Any little thing will make my eyes well up and start leaking. I just had a great weekend with my family but most of the time, I felt like crying and I don't understand it. I was able to function most of the time even with so many people around me (I usually get very agitated and irritable when too many people are around) I laughed, I ate and I genuinely had a good time but off and on throughout the 2 days I would find myself ready to cry over some trivial detail. We had a cookout and I didn't have any BBQ sauce...most people think, ok that's a quick trip to the store, right? I was totally stressed for like 10 mins. I'm taking my meds every day like i'm supposed to and most of the time I don't feel any different. I have appointments with doc and therapist...hopefully they can come up with something that will help.

It's been 5 years and I still feel the same way as you state in your post. I've been dealing with it on and off for over 20 years (I'm 36 now). I've recently had a child, lost my cat of 16 short years to cancer (still grieving over the loss of my dog of 6 short years to terrible people who took her life), moved to a new house (twice in the past year and a half), had a fire and lost everything I owned, been robbed THREE TIMES, had my brother try to destroy my life over jealousy and sibling rivalry, take care of my sick mother, been married, moved to the other side of the country, and been beaten black and blue by strangers while pregnant.... These are all the "reasons" I've fallen back into what I call "my pit o' despair" lol (I say it in humor as I do all other things but it is really a terrible place to be). I love my family which is the reason why I "deal" with these things with a smile on my face but really am completely torn up inside. I can cry at the drop of a dime (before the dime even hits the ground in some cases). I have no one to talk to, friend or family, and medications hasn't worked at all, yet.

I hope for your sake, you find something that helps you through these feelings. I know all too well of what you speak.
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Unread 07-15-2012, 10:56 PM   #15
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Default Re: Always on the verge of tears...

changeling- im sorry for what your going through, sometimes it takes year and years to get med regiments straightend out, it took me 8yrs and i still have to do some adjustments once in a while , i wish you all the best, good luck!
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Unread 07-15-2012, 11:02 PM   #16
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Default Re: Always on the verge of tears...

Im sorry your going through such a hard time right now. It would have been nice if your relative thought about being there for you. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out for you.
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