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Unread 08-21-2009, 12:00 PM   #1
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Unhappy Executive Function deficiency

Hi,
This is my first post, and it's the first time I have had the guts to actually discuss this since my diagnosis 6 years ago. I was diagnosed with ADHD and deficient Executive Functions.
I underwent a psychoanalysis at the request of my director to see why I was not being promoted like everyone else, and she has a daughter with ADHD, and surmised that I too may have some difficulty in that area.

Let me just say that I hate it. It drives me crazy that I can score over the 98th percentile on every test given except the one that allows for executive task functions. At first, I was angry that no one (not even me) had ever considered this before. I was upset that I spent 37 years of my life always being told "You have selective memory." "You conveniently forgot" and "You have the potential, but you just don't apply yourself."

Now, I'm more miserable than ever, because when I forget something, I know it's because of the ADHD; but I haven't been able to get a handle on it. I can't stop forgetting. I don't know how many times I have sat in a chair, totally blanked out while someone was trying to get my attention. Sometimes I would totally tune out at meetings, and be repremanded for it. I don't sleep, I'm just not there. Many times I would come up with absolutely super ideas about what the meeting was about, but I couldn't really speak up because I had just been scolded in public. I feel like I live in a fishbowl under a strobe light. Everyone is watching me, and they have normal lighting on me, but I can only see flashes of what's going on.

Other times, I can be so into something, I will suddenly 'Come To' and realize that I have been working for 8 to 10 hours without a break. It drives me bananas that I will sometimes only come to about an hour before I am supposed to wake up and go to work.

It's also driving my wife crazy having to schedule and remind me and our two young boys. She's getting tired of making me lists of stuff to do, or constantly reminding me that I have to do something. It kills me when she is upset and asks me "Why don't you look around and see what needs to be done? Can't you do anything without a list?"

Here's part of my problem. I was perscribed Wellbutin but it didn't work too well because I kept forgetting to take the pills. I was perscribed Ritalin SR, but again, I kept forgetting to take the pills. I tried talking to a psychiatrist, but I despised the way he was talking down to me like I was stupid, especially since I was significantly more intelligent than he was; and when I told him I thought he was talking down to him, he got angry at me. I have never gone back, it was horrible for me. I was so frustrated with him as the only thing I could figure out about that session was that the psychiatrist would make a whole lot of money, and I would get a whole lot of nothing out of it.

I am exhausted. I am very unhappy. I think I am reaching the end of my rope. I hate my job. I hate not remembering. I hate being told I'm lazy. I hate being told that if I really cared, I would have remembered.

I think I'm depressed. I know I'm not crazy. I just want it to stop. I don't want to berate myself anymore. I want to be happy again, like I was when I was a kid. Is there hope out there?

I'm sorry this is a long post, but I kind of started to hyperfocus on this. I have so much more that I feel and think, but I'll stop here.
Wil
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Unread 09-10-2009, 04:38 AM   #2
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Default Re: Executive Function deficiency

Have you tried cognitive remediation therapy? Recent research shows that it helps people with schizophrenia and ADHD to at least partially overcome those cognitive deficits associated with the illness and improve psychosocial outcomes.
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Unread 09-10-2009, 11:42 AM   #3
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Default Re: Executive Function deficiency

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wil-I-Am View Post
Hi,
This is my first post, and it's the first time I have had the guts to actually discuss this since my diagnosis 6 years ago. I was diagnosed with ADHD and deficient Executive Functions.
I underwent a psychoanalysis at the request of my director to see why I was not being promoted like everyone else, and she has a daughter with ADHD, and surmised that I too may have some difficulty in that area.

Let me just say that I hate it. It drives me crazy that I can score over the 98th percentile on every test given except the one that allows for executive task functions. At first, I was angry that no one (not even me) had ever considered this before. I was upset that I spent 37 years of my life always being told "You have selective memory." "You conveniently forgot" and "You have the potential, but you just don't apply yourself."

Now, I'm more miserable than ever, because when I forget something, I know it's because of the ADHD; but I haven't been able to get a handle on it. I can't stop forgetting. I don't know how many times I have sat in a chair, totally blanked out while someone was trying to get my attention. Sometimes I would totally tune out at meetings, and be repremanded for it. I don't sleep, I'm just not there. Many times I would come up with absolutely super ideas about what the meeting was about, but I couldn't really speak up because I had just been scolded in public. I feel like I live in a fishbowl under a strobe light. Everyone is watching me, and they have normal lighting on me, but I can only see flashes of what's going on.

Other times, I can be so into something, I will suddenly 'Come To' and realize that I have been working for 8 to 10 hours without a break. It drives me bananas that I will sometimes only come to about an hour before I am supposed to wake up and go to work.

It's also driving my wife crazy having to schedule and remind me and our two young boys. She's getting tired of making me lists of stuff to do, or constantly reminding me that I have to do something. It kills me when she is upset and asks me "Why don't you look around and see what needs to be done? Can't you do anything without a list?"

Here's part of my problem. I was perscribed Wellbutin but it didn't work too well because I kept forgetting to take the pills. I was perscribed Ritalin SR, but again, I kept forgetting to take the pills. I tried talking to a psychiatrist, but I despised the way he was talking down to me like I was stupid, especially since I was significantly more intelligent than he was; and when I told him I thought he was talking down to him, he got angry at me. I have never gone back, it was horrible for me. I was so frustrated with him as the only thing I could figure out about that session was that the psychiatrist would make a whole lot of money, and I would get a whole lot of nothing out of it.

I am exhausted. I am very unhappy. I think I am reaching the end of my rope. I hate my job. I hate not remembering. I hate being told I'm lazy. I hate being told that if I really cared, I would have remembered.

I think I'm depressed. I know I'm not crazy. I just want it to stop. I don't want to berate myself anymore. I want to be happy again, like I was when I was a kid. Is there hope out there?

I'm sorry this is a long post, but I kind of started to hyperfocus on this. I have so much more that I feel and think, but I'll stop here.
Wil

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Unread 09-13-2009, 02:51 PM   #4
Anonymous289133
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Default Re: Executive Function deficiency

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wil-I-Am View Post
At first, I was angry that no one (not even me) had ever considered this before. I was upset that I spent 37 years of my life always being told "You have selective memory." "You conveniently forgot" and "You have the potential, but you just don't apply yourself."

Now, I'm more miserable than ever, because when I forget something, I know it's because of the ADHD; but I haven't been able to get a handle on it. I can't stop forgetting. I don't know how many times I have sat in a chair, totally blanked out while someone was trying to get my attention. Sometimes I would totally tune out at meetings, and be repremanded for it. I don't sleep, I'm just not there. Many times I would come up with absolutely super ideas about what the meeting was about, but I couldn't really speak up because I had just been scolded in public. I feel like I live in a fishbowl under a strobe light. Everyone is watching me, and they have normal lighting on me, but I can only see flashes of what's going on.

Other times, I can be so into something, I will suddenly 'Come To' and realize that I have been working for 8 to 10 hours without a break. It drives me bananas that I will sometimes only come to about an hour before I am supposed to wake up and go to work.

It's also driving my wife crazy having to schedule and remind me and our two young boys. She's getting tired of making me lists of stuff to do, or constantly reminding me that I have to do something. It kills me when she is upset and asks me "Why don't you look around and see what needs to be done? Can't you do anything without a list?"

Here's part of my problem. I was perscribed Wellbutin but it didn't work too well because I kept forgetting to take the pills. I was perscribed Ritalin SR, but again, I kept forgetting to take the pills. I tried talking to a psychiatrist, but I despised the way he was talking down to me like I was stupid, especially since I was significantly more intelligent than he was; and when I told him I thought he was talking down to him, he got angry at me. I have never gone back, it was horrible for me. I was so frustrated with him as the only thing I could figure out about that session was that the psychiatrist would make a whole lot of money, and I would get a whole lot of nothing out of it.
Hi Will,
I know what you mean by not taking meds on time. I'm usually trying to find the bottle . Im supposed to be taking penicillin because I have a tooth that is going bad . I got into hyperfocus with work yesterday six hours flew by . I took only one pill of four and last night I took a percocet I had in my bedside drawer, GREAT!!!!! I promptly put it else where. The pill container was the same size and the pills the same color and I couldn't find my reading glasses .

I hate this to. I have no gotten an official diagnosis yet but Im going ahead and diagnosising myself.

looking back on the years of it all getting missed is a grieving process.

I can see where its effecting the ego /self esteem .

I see two things that may help.

find a way to take your meds on time . Place a few in your glove compartment or in your drawer at work . As a back up for your reguar bottle in case you lose it or mispalce it. I also forget if I have taken a pill or not.
This is realy difficult . Its not fun and I see its going to take ALOT of work .Im sorry I can't come up with a better pil taking tip . let me know what you come up with. Some people have a watch that can chime at a certin time to remind them.

Can you find a new psychiatrist to work with? That you have the diagnosis and can get medication is very hopeful .

Your not dumb or lazey because you suffer from ADHD. Its just difficult to harness the intelligence when its needed.

Take a mimi vacation and treat your self well .
Patricia
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