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Unread 10-05-2004, 08:57 PM   #1
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Default excessive apologizing - am I crazy?

When I get anxious, I start to either spout off or drive people nuts apologizing to them or both! I have apologized to people when I didn't do anything wrong. I guess I'm so afraid of their anger. When people are angry with me or anything, I think automatically it's my fault. I cry and beg their forgiveness. I've also prayed in this way, begging God to forgive me for my sins (praying through the night). Am I crazy? I can't seem to help it sometimes.
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Unread 10-05-2004, 09:12 PM   #2
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Default Re: excessive apologizing - am I crazy?

I guess nobody can relate, huh?
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Unread 10-05-2004, 10:08 PM   #3
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Default Re: excessive apologizing - am I crazy?

I can relate to automatically thinking it's my fault if people are angry with me ... but I am working on it
Excessive apologiziing... probably not, well .. maybe sometimes

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Unread 10-05-2004, 11:11 PM   #4
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Default Re: excessive apologizing - am I crazy?

cms:
I can relate. I drive my husband crazy.

If he's in a bad mood or hurting (he suffers from chronic pain) and clams up I automatically think he's angry and just I'm sorry him to death. He'll finally say if you say sorry one more time...I'm gonna jump out of this car. LOL. He's not serious but it makes me see how silly I'm being.

With most people I am not like that. With him I am. We have been married for 10 years, together for 13. We have three kids together and I guess it all stems from being abandoned by my mother as a child and emotionally abandoned by my father. I'm always afraid of losing the ones I love the most. Sorry I'm rambling.


So, no I don't think it makes you crazy! I think it makes you oversensitive to other people's emotions, just like me,and just like alot of people I know.

Take Care you.
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Unread 10-06-2004, 11:31 AM   #5
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Default Re: excessive apologizing - am I crazy?

cms -- I relate very well to what you posted. I've apologized to people -- had grueling anxiety, say, over a weekend about what I said to a coworker on a Friday -- and we I start, she doesn't even know what I'm talking about. She's moved on, I haven't

I recognize how this developed in me:

My parents drank and fought a lot. My mother was also fairly capricious with her anger -- I never knew if I'd come home from school and get yelled at for something, my mother storing up her irritation all day. So I learned early about apologizing to keep the peace.

I've even apologized to friends and coworkers who were angry -- when I didn't think they deserved an apology -- to keep the peace.

Alcoholics and co-deps call it people pleasing.
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Unread 10-06-2004, 11:49 AM   #6
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Default Re: excessive apologizing - am I crazy?

I start doing it at work. I've had some bad experiences at jobs. I lost my job 8 years ago because I was "harrassing" another woman there by apologizing to her. I just wanted her to stop being mad at me. She was mean too. I've been real good for a long time, but since trying to lower my Xanax, things got a little iffy at work.

Where it comes from? I'd say having OCD has a role, but also an abusive family member had his part.
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Unread 10-08-2004, 06:11 AM   #7
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Default Re: excessive apologizing - am I crazy?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Where it comes from? I'd say having OCD has a role, but also an abusive family member had his part.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

You bet. Excessive apologising is not crazy, it's a learned behaviour pattern. In my case it was to try to placate a parent who could never be placated because they wanted to hurt me. It's a no win situation, and unfortunately the effects carry on long after the parent is dead and gone.

These days I think it's like Buddhist Karma left by the cruel person, or as one psychologist said, the cruel person dies but they leave a bad smell behind them.

It would be funny if it wasn't so sad. How could we believe that we could make a cruel person less cruel by apologising too them? It's laughable.
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Unread 10-10-2004, 10:22 PM   #8
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Default Re: excessive apologizing - am I crazy?

Actually, I wouldn't put ALL the blame on this parent (for me). In my case, I was in several abusive situations at work, which is where my issues are.
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Unread 10-17-2004, 03:14 PM   #9
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Default Re: excessive apologizing - am I crazy?

cms... welcome and I noticed that you didn't even allow an hour between your first two posts! LOL it does take us a bit of time to reply... if you want a faster response, you can also try sitting in the chat room... well maybe that will be faster...

anyway. .. I have had a similar problem in the past. My T had to break me of it, and I have done a good job of removing the "need" to apologize when it isn't warranted.

It stemmed from a type of insecurity, I think. I always meant well, but was never quite sure of how someone "took" what I said. I would also say I was sorry after I raised my voice, or interrupted someone... all times when everyone was doing the same thing... like at a brain-storming...

It was also often the first thing that would come out of my mouth if I was going to say something I was unsure of how it would be accepted. duh me!

It wasn't an obsession with me though, not in that sense, not forced into every conversation or such.

Why would you want to reduce your medication when it obviously helps you with this???
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Unread 10-18-2004, 04:43 PM   #10
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Default Re: excessive apologizing - am I crazy?

I have the same problem. I apologize to everyone whether or not it is my fault or theirs. My T is working with me on it - I told him about one time I apoligized to someone and he could not believe it - he said it was their place to apologize to me - I did nothing wrong and they were rude to me. I know I have a self-image and self-esteem problem - goes with the territory of anxiety and depression and abuse, I guess. Maybe someday I can stop apologizing but right now, it is still ingrained in me that anything that goes wrong - regardless of who does it - is my fault.
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