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Unread 08-30-2009, 07:07 AM   #1
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Default Good Bye letter to alcohol

Sept. 11 is my last day in rehab, and on our last day we have to read a letter that we've written to our addiction, kind of saying where we are in our own heads with it. For once I'm not leaving stuff to the last minute, and have already written mine. Thought I'd share it here.

--splitimage

Quote:
Dear Johnny Walker and all your innumerable cousins that Iíve also dated.

Itís been fun. Itís been a nightmare. Itís been the most rewarding and the most destructive relationship in my life.

It started innocently enough Ė drinking at parties at university to help me socialize and fit in Ė funny I found the heavy drinking crowd easily enough. Then you got me through my MBA and my CMA helping me unwind after long nights of studying. And you were always there for the inevitable work socializing helping me to bury my anxieties. You helped dress up a meal. Most importantly you were there when I felt lonely sad, inadequate, and un-loveable. You made the bad feelings go away. I loved you for the numbness, for the mini taste of death you gave me.

But then things got bad as they do in all dysfunctional love affairs. I needed you in the morning. I needed you at five in the afternoon when my hands were shaking so badly I could barely drive home. I needed you despite the shaking, the vomiting, the seizures, the lack of self respect and the sheer desperation I felt. And still I hung on to you.

And then you turned on me in a big way. I let you cost me my job, my licence, my self respect, and almost my life. You almost killed me. That was in 06. Christmas day 06 I was alone in the ER hooked up to multiple machines that were all beeping constantly because none of my vital signs were normal. The AA Preamble came to mind ďelse most of us will die aloneĒ. I thought Iíd die alone, just another statistic. Youíd think that would be enough for me to get it. But no it took a few more drunks and detoxes before I got sober in 07.

When I got sober life got better. I made real friends. I felt and looked better. I started to get my self esteem back, I felt pride at having left you. I started to like myself.

But then things got bad in my life again, and you were waiting like a bad lover. It was my social anxiety that let you back in coupled with my fears and inability to cope.. I thought this time it would be different Ė that Iíd be able to handle you. And once you were back in, I couldnít let go. I needed and wanted the numbness too much.

Soon I started skipping work so I could drink again. I started to get the shakes again. I started to think that 5 am was an acceptable time for a drink. But this time I was more scared of you then I loved you. So I asked for help and got it. Iím sober again. Today is my last day of my third time in rehab, and I hope Iíll never see you again.

But I know youíll always be out there waiting for me, and that at least for now part of me still wants you. But I know that want is deadly and I canít risk one last dance with you. I canít count on a fourth chance to come back safely.

Iím afraid. And I hope to stay that way, so that I wonít be tricked by overconfidence into thinking I can handle you Ė I canít. My only choice is to stay away.

So with deep regret and a lot of fear, I say good bye to you, my love, my beautiful, nightmarish stalker.
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"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favorite hymn.

Please visit my recovery blog: http://www.backfromthesidelines.com
You can now subscribe to my blog and get automatic updates whenever I write a new post - approximately once a week. Just go to the site, and enter your email address, in the box on the bottom right hand side of the main page.
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Unread 08-30-2009, 07:35 AM   #2
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Default Re: Good Bye letter to alcohol

Split Image,

There are no words I can add to what you wrote. You are spot on with everything you said.

I have printed your letter. I put one copy on my bulletin board of treasured words and the other copy in my Big Book. With your permission, I think I will use it in 1st steps with others.

I'm glad you've come this far. You have worked hard and deserve the freedom from alcohol that you desire. Know that you've helped keep me sober today.

Always here for you...
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Unread 08-30-2009, 07:48 AM   #3
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Default Re: Good Bye letter to alcohol

Wow. That was profound.

I know the devastation of alcohol. I saw a loved one dying from it. Alcohol is an evil drug.

Stay strong. I support you fully.
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Unread 08-30-2009, 08:30 AM   #4
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Default Re: Good Bye letter to alcohol

wow that was great! good job and congrats on getting sober.
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Unread 08-30-2009, 12:43 PM   #5
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Default Re: Good Bye letter to alcohol

Thanks everybody,

And Notz - feel free to share with anyone you'd like - you've given me so much support in my very winding path to recovery.

splitimage
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"I danced in the morning when the world was begun. I danced in the moon and the stars and the sun". From my favorite hymn.

Please visit my recovery blog: http://www.backfromthesidelines.com
You can now subscribe to my blog and get automatic updates whenever I write a new post - approximately once a week. Just go to the site, and enter your email address, in the box on the bottom right hand side of the main page.
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